“Good. You?”

“Yeah. Good.”

“Liar.”

He looked down, shooting a small smile.

“Break for me, Levy. I want to hug away your pain.”

That’s what we did for the next half hour. I just held him while he sobbed. I asked him to understand that even after I was gone, I still loved him, fiercely. Begged him not to feel the betrayal that can accompany the loss of a parent, to know that no part of me wanted to leave him and his brother and father behind. That I’d lived, breathed, and thrived because they were with me. That I’d fought for every day, until I couldn’t anymore, because they were worth the struggle.

When Lev ran out of tears, and I ran out of strength, I let him nap on my chest peacefully, ignoring the dull pain and how badly it hurt when I was hooked up to so many machines, my lungs collapsing by the nanosecond.

When he stirred some time later, looked up and saw that I’d been watching him the whole time, he smiled. It was as though he needed this reassurance that I truly loved him. That I genuinely cared.

“Who do you want to see next?”

“Your brother, please.” I smiled.

Lev nodded.

When Knight entered the room and closed the door behind him, I motioned to him with my finger.

“Your breath. Let me smell it.”

“Mom.” He rolled his eyes.

He was so tall. So gorgeous. Such a heartbreaker. Yet his heart was so loyal. The rest of him, too. I was in awe of how good he was. How pure. The only thing I worried about was how he dealt with pain. I didn’t want him to run to alcohol and drugs. I saw what it had done to Dean when we were younger. Knight’s soul was much too precious, his heart too tender to deal with heartbreak. Just like his dad.

“Come on. You know as well as I do you will never deprive your dying mother of anything.”

With a harsh exhale, he walked over to me, put his mouth to my nose. He smelled of mint gum, and underneath it, iced coffee. I immediately knew he was sober.

“Thank you.” I grinned.

Instead of pulling away, he put his lips to the tip of my nose, awarding me a kiss.

“How are you, Mom?”

“Better than I look.”

“You look perfect.”

“You’re just being nice.”

He pulled back, giving me a really? look. “Being nice is not even in my dictionary.”

“Probably because you used the page to roll yourself a joint. How’s your girlfriend?” I tried to elbow him good-naturedly in the ribs as he sat down beside me.

By the dark cloud passing over his expression, I could see something was going on.

“She dumped me.”

“She did?” I asked cheerfully, not missing a beat.

Luna, Luna. Thank you, Luna.

He nodded, giving me a quizzical look before shaking his head. “It’s stupid. This is not what we should be talking about right now.”

“What should we be talking about right now?” I arched a playful eyebrow. I didn’t want this to be heavy and sad.

He looked out the window, shaking his head. “I don’t know. About you?”

“We know everything there is to know about me. I’m the least interesting subject in this household, and the most depressing one, too.”

“How can you be so calm about this?” He scratched at his jaw, the fine whiskers growing over it light brown dustings.

“First of all, this is not without hard work, trust me.” I winked. “And second of all, I have faith in my plans for the three of you. I just need you to promise me one little thing.”

“Okay.” He sat up straight, eyeing me curiously.

I put my hand on his. “You stopped drinking.”

“I did.”

“You stopped with the pills, too.”

“That’s right.”

“And you’re going to the counselor Dad found for you?”

“Like clockwork,” he gritted out.

“She will never be yours if you go back to the way it was.”

“I know.” His voice broke. “I know that, Mom. I know.”

“Promise me, then.”

“I promise. No more binging. No more benders. No more alcohol and pills. I won’t even take a Tylenol next time I’m sick.”

Silence. I had to tread carefully around this one. I didn’t want him suspecting anything, didn’t want this part of the conversation to tarnish everything else we’d said. I knew he’d forgive me in time, down the line. But not now. And I couldn’t burden him with more anger and disappointment for a second as long as I had my breath in me.

“Can I give you one other piece of advice?”

“Of course, Mom.”

“The grudges you hold against people? Drop them. They’re not worth your anger. They keep you anchored to a place you shouldn’t be.”

“Can you be more specific?”

“No, I can’t. But I can tell you one last thing.”

“Okay.”

I took his hand. Put the back of it against my lips. Smiled through my tears. “Parents are not supposed to have favorites,” I started.

I knew my confession wasn’t going to leave the walls of this room. Knight loved Lev with everything he had in him. He was a wonderful brother who’d volunteered to teach Levy’s entire football team. He’d covered for Lev dozens of times when he’d sneaked into Bailey’s house, and vice versa.