Crush

And then I heard a name. That was all I needed to kick through the darkness.

“We’ve got to call Jude,” a familiar male voice said.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. I’ll get my phone.”

This was the final push I needed to open my eyes.

“No,” I said, my voice breaking. “Don’t call him. I’m all right.” I was laid out on the couch, and my head was propped up by a couple of pillows.

Holly and Thomas hovered above me, looking down at me like you’d imagine someone would look at a corpse.

“When did you get here, Thomas?” I tried sitting up, but my body wasn’t having any of it.

“Just a couple of minutes ago. I was planning on walking Holly to work,” he said, kneeling in front of me. “But it’s a good thing I was early and I’m used to carrying you around, or else you’d be waking up on the cold bathroom floor right about now.” A small smile formed, but it didn’t touch his eyes.

“Do you know?” I whispered. I couldn’t say the word. I wouldn’t even let myself think it, but I could feel the word winding its way through my mind. That was all I saw when I thought about my future.

“Yeah, Lucy,” he said, grabbing my hand. “I know. Holly didn’t say anything, but it was kind of hard to ignore the positive pregnancy test on the sink.”

I bit my lip, hard, hoping it would keep the tears contained. My tried-and-true method was failing me.

Holly knelt next to Thomas. Her eyes were as red as I guessed mine were. She held her phone up. Jude’s number was on the screen, along with his picture. “You need to call Jude. He needs to know what’s going on so he can be here with you.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Not right now.”

“Yes. Yes, right now,” Holly said, holding the phone out to me. “Listen, Lucy, I know you’re scared as shit and confused as all hell, but Jude will help you get through this. You need him to help you get through this. And I know from personal experience that Jude is a good person to lean on in this kind of a situation.”

“What kind of a situation is this?” I said, twisting onto my side so I could look at her straight on. “The unplanned-pregnancy situation? Or the I’m-only-twenty-one situation? Maybe the I’m-not-married situation? And let’s not forget the my-future-is-ruined situation.” I’d been at a loss for words pre–passing out, but now I couldn’t seem to say enough.

“Mom?” LJ stuck his head out of the bedroom. “Can I come out yet?”

“No!” Thomas and Holly answered at the same time.

“I’ll go hang with the little man,” Thomas said, giving my hand a squeeze before pressing a quick kiss to Holly’s lips. “You girls don’t need me here to offer my nonwisdom anyways.”

“Aunt Luce? Are you all right?” LJ’s sweet little face was creased with concern.

The answer to that was one I couldn’t give a three-year-old, so I lied. “Yeah, LJ. I’m fine, buddy.”

“Oh. Lucy?” Thomas stopped abruptly and snapped his fingers. “For what it’s worth, I think you’d be one hell of a mom.” That same small smile appeared again, but this time it reflected in his eyes as well. Before I could reply, he was ducking inside the bedroom to occupy LJ while Holly and I discussed whatever she was planning on discussing.

The thing was, I wasn’t in a talking mood. I needed to process. I needed to think. And then maybe we could discuss.

“What’s going on up there, Lucy Larson?” Holly asked, tapping my head.

“A whole lotta everything and a whole lotta nothing,” I said, wondering whether, if I fell back to sleep, I could wake up and discover this was all one huge nightmare.

Holly sighed and plopped down on the floor next to the couch. “What are you going to do?”

I couldn’t think about that right now. I didn’t want to think about it ever. But I knew I’d have to not only face that question, but answer it.

“I don’t know.”

“And when are you going to tell Jude?” She started stroking the top of my head in a way that my mom used to when I was little and scared of the monsters I was convinced were lurking beneath my bed.

“I don’t know.”

Holly exhaled. “How do you feel?”

“I don’t know.” I was seeing a trend developing. I knew a whole lot of nothing. All I knew was that I felt confused and scared and lost.

“I know this is coming at you fast, Lucy, and I can see how terrified you are right now, but you’re strong. You’re stronger than I am, and I know this probably won’t comfort you, and maybe I’m all kinds of stupid for even saying it, but if I can raise a child, I know you can, too. You’ve got Jude, and your family and friends, and—”

“And no future,” I interrupted, seeing all those chapters I’d yet to experience in life go up in flames. How could I dance when I had a big round belly? How could I dance and travel the world with a baby on my hip? What had I worked my ass off for if, one year before I was set to graduate from a prestigious dance school, I wound up knocked up?

“How can you say you’ve got no future?” Holly said, looking insulted. “You’ve got the kind of future most people dream of.”

“A future most people used to dream about.”

“Wait. Are you saying that because you’re going to have a baby, your entire life is ruined?”