“I haven’t been with anyone but you, dammit. You.”

“Neither have I!” I yelled, my nails digging into my palms. “I only want you. Did you really think I could sleep with Hartford after us?”

His eyes softened like a morning mist. “Remi . . .”

“This isn’t easy for me,” I whispered, weakening at the sound of his voice. “It’s nearly impossible to walk away from you even when you aren’t really mine. I’d much rather wait around for you to figure things out, but it’s hurting me—it’s breaking me inside. My heart is destroyed. I—I can’t put myself through freshman year again. I can’t watch you party and drink and screw around—when I—I’m in love with you. I always have been—and you know it.” I whimpered. Tears pooled and I battled them back.

His eyes closed.

“Goodbye, Dax.” I touched his arm, and he flinched, eyes flying open.

He studied me, his eyes lingering on every part of my face. “I’m not saying goodbye. I can’t.”

We drove away in silence. I clenched my fist to my mouth to keep from screaming.

A few tense moments passed and Malcolm grabbed my hand. His big eyes took me in. “I’m sorry things got screwed up.”

“It’s okay,” I said, barely keeping it together.

He gave me a sad look. “Dax’s a little intense, but it’s because he doesn’t know how to tell you he loves you. He’s never loved a girl, I think. His head’s all messed up. He reminds me of those skinny dogs at the shelter, the ones that are scared of their own shadow, but they want you to pet them really bad—” he paused, thinking. “I don’t mean he’s a dog, dog. I’m using a metaphor here, and a damn good one I think. Not bad for an autistic guy.”

I sent him a watery smile and hugged him. “You’re amazing.” My voice was shit.

“Will you be okay?” Lulu asked.

“I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right leaving him,” I whispered. “Not at all.” I rubbed my chest. I felt empty. Lost. As in really lost. Like I might never know which direction to go in.

I clutched my pillow that someone had thrown in the cab and buried my face in it.

How was I going to live without him?

SHE DROVE AWAY, and I let her.

In a grief-induced haze, I went in the house to shower and get the gym sweat off me. In between classes and studying, I’d been working out with Declan, and it gave me focus. At nights, I’d been crashing in a recliner at the Tau house, trying to get a hold on myself. There’d been no parties. No girls. All I wanted was her.

I stood in the shower with my back against the wall to hold me up.

I felt like I was dying.

After my shower, I put on jeans, a Tau shirt, and Converse. Nothing too nice since tonight was the bonfire at Myer’s Farm about five miles outside the city. The farm was owned by one of our alumni; it was an annual party with a bonfire, tug-of-war by moonlight, and lots of beer. Thank God.

I hadn’t planned on going.

But no way was I missing it to sit here and cry like a baby.

An hour later, I drove down the gravel road that led to the clearing out in the middle of a huge field. The biggest weeping willow trees I’d ever seen lined it on one side near a stream, and pine and oak trees dotted the rest of the perimeter.

I sighed. This would be good. I needed people tonight. Friends.

Axel, Alexandria, and Bettina were standing near the kegs, and I made my way over to them. I grabbed a glass and filled it up.

Here’s to many more, I told myself.

Someone cranked up the music and the dancing started, reminding me of Remi at the Masquerade.

I got another beer. And another.

As it grew late, we lit up lanterns around the part of the party where the fire didn’t illuminate. Sitting in pop-up chairs in a circle of people, we played drinking games. Alexandria planted herself next to me, her hands resting on my thighs, her fingers inching closer to my inner thigh the braver she got.

I didn’t fight her off. I didn’t encourage her either.

I was empty, nothing without Remi.

Remi.

She was all that played through my head.

Fucking hell. I stood up. I had to get out of here. People weren’t helping. Alcohol wasn’t. I needed her. She was it. Everything. My life.

I clutched my head. God, I was going to find her tonight and tell her, no, beg her to come back—

Bright lights swung into the clearing as another car parked in the designated area near the tree line. There had to be about a hundred people here, and before the night was through there’d be more.

Two girls walked into our circle. My eyes flared at one of them.

I stumbled and thankfully managed to fall back in my chair.

Wearing that short-as-fuck dress from Masquerade and heels—what was she thinking—Remi walked into our circle. The cream-colored dress showcased her Dax tattoo and was almost see-through with the lanterns behind her. Her hair was like fire, her pearls draped around her neck.

No bra. No panties.

Someone whistled.

My beer fell out of my hand and spilled on the ground.

Everyone hushed in the middle of a game of Never Have I Ever. I don’t know if it was because they saw my livid face or if they were gawking at her body.

I was a statue, couldn’t even twitch as I watched her sashay over to me, teetering a little when she stepped on a rock.

She stopped in front of Alexandria. “You. Whatever your name is. Up.”