That knot in my stomach doubles.

“After the shredding, it took just over two years for Caroline’s skin to fuse back together, even with the tedious help of her family stitching her up one shard of a piece at a time. Even I felt sorry for the poor girl at some point. There wasn’t a death possible that wasn’t tested on her.”

“And you’re afraid I’ll turn into Caroline because?” I ask, curious now what new mountainside I’m about to tumble down.

“I’m not afraid of it. As I’ve stated numerous times, Idun won’t be a problem. She just needs to know I’m extremely neutral with no favors this time,” he carries on like that’s supposed to make sense. “But until then, Idun is very crafty, manipulative, and dangerously intelligent. We need to find her. I need to find her.”

There’s obviously no use in arguing, so I sit back, going over that list of ingredients Vance talked about, and find myself wondering if there’s some way I can screw up that already volatile concoction enough to make it doubly potent.

“Just explain to me again why they can’t be raised if she’s already up, when I raised you so easily,” I say very softly.

“I was one plot under a much less secure seal, love. Strength, speed…that’s a vampire. Idun’s power radiates from her when she’s distressed, similar—and very different at the same time—from your monster. Two very different seals, and on a much grander scale.”

So…she’s stronger, which makes the seal stronger.

I nod again, deciding I need to triply fuck up the potion. I’ve never actually tried for a fuck-up before. I should probably try to do it exactly right, so it’s a more organic fuck-up.

He tilts my head up, eyes finding mine as he smooths his thumb over my chin.

“I swear to you that you have nothing to worry about once I find her,” he assures me like that’s the concern in my head.

The sentiment is still weirdly sweet, so I give him a tight smile, nodding like I appreciate it, since I think that’s what he’s waiting on.

He leans forward and kisses my forehead, and a sad thought crosses my mind. Idun’s been awake and hasn’t come for him—her loyal one. After all he sacrificed and surrendered to her…

“I need to make a call to my brother I’m sure you wouldn’t enjoy overhearing. I’ll be just outside, love, so shout if you need me,” he says, and…then he’s gone, the wind whirring in the room.

I glance over and see the window barely cracked open, and I quickly go to shut it. Hopefully, he’ll stay out of sight if he’s running around in a towel. I know they feel the cold, but lately it’s like they don’t even bother to care. Emit even ran around shirtless, just to prove a point, in ten degree weather.

I take the opportunity to flip off the vacant air in front of me. “You’re missing a lot, Anna,” I say on a quiet whisper. “And I could use you more than ever, because all hell’s likely to break loose at any given moment on any given day.”

I pause, rolling my eyes.

“Shit, maybe it’s already broken loose and I’m too far in to see it from the outside,” I rattle on. “The point is that today is one of those days where I do hope you’re forced to have to watch this and not get your input heard. You should have been here to finally save me, because you could have prevented this from happening. I just had three of your ghost friends cross a huge line.”

Huffing out a breath and keeping my voice at a whisper, I shrug a shoulder.

“I’m focusing on the monstar quad instead of the madness surrounding me, just to keep from tripping into the mayhem and doing something too stupid. Yes. I hope you hear that pet name and hate it as much as Vance does.”

I pause, listening to see if I can hear her eyes rolling. Unfortunately, I don’t, so I carry on.

“You’d tell me to be careful, and to really piss Idun off by being obnoxiously un-jealous. You’re sort of a badass like that. I, however, am not,” I admit with an inward sigh.

“Every second they spend making me feel special, protected, surrounded…it’s another second I feel the most un-alone I never dared to dream I’d feel. They almost sort of get me. I think. I know they like the root of me—and don’t turn that into a dirty joke,” I state, and…then determine I’m dangerously close to being certi-fucking-fiably crazy.

“I sincerely, truly hope my mother comes soon, because I don’t know if they have monster shrinks, and I need one before I crack like an egg. For a normal person, that’s catastrophic. For me? Yeah, I don’t want to think about it.”

I glance out the window, making sure a vampire in a towel isn’t pressing an ear to the glass. He’s nowhere to be seen, and the ground below is brightly lit up. I’m guessing he’s in the distant dark patch beyond the road.

“In truth, I’m not used to feeling so many intense things at all about so many people at once. Usually, I’m a little thicker than this, which means all four of them have slowly niggled in closer somehow, without me realizing just how close. That’s the only time it hurts, and I’ve never been around so many people at once to have to care about.”

I comb through the mostly dry strands of my hair with my fingers, staring idly at Arion’s jacket, and feeling the inner crazy girl in me wondering if Idun’s picture is in the pocket.

“I think it’s also possible that my mind is fracturing and I’m losing it a little.” I wipe a stray tear from my eye and take a fortifying breath. “The omegas have really gotten to me too, and would you believe Shera, of all people, has managed to worm her way in as well? We hated her.” I shrug a shoulder, smiling a little. “I guess I should have known, after all.”

I tap my chin as a thought crosses my mind.

“Maybe I’m not going crazy if I’m talking to you…on the off chance there’s a secret dimension I’m unaware of. Right now, I’m having a major identity crisis during a possible nuclear moment, and tackling the prospect of having four boyfriends. Perhaps I’m already batshit crazy and don’t even realize it.”

I think worrying about going crazy is certainly going to make me crazy.

“Anyway, Emit’s more of a friend type, so I’m not even sure what I’m thinking. Yes, I know he’s hot; I moved toward radioactive-hot for a while, but he just cools off too quick. And if you’re watching, you should see the list of baggage-claims that come with Arion without me bringing them up. Yes, now I’m pissed and forcing you to endure one-sided boy talk again, because I need to feel semi-normal for a second before the tornado I’m in starts twisting again.”

I glance out the window again, still seeing no sign of Arion, and watch as the pretty flakes of snow continue to fall.

“Just so you know, today is one of those days where I actually hate you for not being here,” I add in conclusion as I clear my throat. “So if there’s a third dimension where you’re listening to all this, hopefully it’ll give you the incentive you need to come back so I can hate you to your face. I could really use you right now, Anna.”

I stop whispering to her when I see something blur in front of the window, and Arion’s eyes collide with mine through the glass like he’s surprised to find me there.

It’s a brief exchange.

In the next instant, the window is open, and hands slide around my waist from behind. He really is incomprehensibly fast to go from outside and in front of me to directly behind me without me seeing the movement.

“Missing me, love?” he muses, lips pressing to the side of my head.

I don’t answer as he releases me, and I listen as he moves around the room.

“If you’re tired at all, now’s the time to grab some rest before they get here. We’ll be on task starting then, and there won’t be time for rest after that. Not for a few days,” he states conversationally, as if it’s a casual sort of thing to be vague about.

I don’t bother doing anything aside from flopping onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling, as the mountains of information flood through my mind, along with all the chaos I’ve endured most recently.

He returns with the bottle of scotch in one hand, and a half-full glass in the other, drinking it absently, as he studies the label.

“Some things have improved. Some haven’t,” he says idly, abandoning the glass and bottle on the nightstand, as he slides into bed next to me.

It’s weird how careful he is not to touch me when we’re in the bed, as opposed to when we’re…anywhere else. But in the bed, you could put a line of pillows between us.

“She wasn’t ready to truly be dead,” I tell him, feeling his confused look on me as I move closer to him.

“Who’s that, love?” he asks, staying still as I end up tucked against his side.

My head goes to his shoulder, and his arm tentatively slides around my waist, his hand barely resting on my hip.

“Anna,” I say softly, tracing a circle on his bare, very firm chest, idly wondering why he’s still in a towel. “She only died because she wanted to stay by my side, and then she went out of her way to avoid the worst of the decay.”

He doesn’t say anything, his arm remaining gingerly around me, as I move my head over more to be on his chest.

“But she wasn’t ready to be gone, or she would have moved on naturally to wherever it is ghosts go to find true peace. For all I know, she’s stuck in some hellish void somewhere, and I helped her kill herself.”

I feel his lips pressing against the top of my hair, as he gives me a gentle kiss to starkly contrast his less-than-gentle nature, to put it mildly.

“I honestly don’t know what limits life-and-death have. I stopped caring when I could no longer die,” he confesses. “But she was dead before she met you, love. Wherever she is, I find it hard to believe she’s blaming you for anything.”

I stay quiet after that, wondering if it’s even possible for me to try to sleep. No such luck.

I think about Idun and wonder if she’s as obsessed and fixated on chasing them as they believe, even though she’s been up for months and hasn’t bothered to even somewhat interrupt their lives.

I wonder about Anna and if she’s miserable.

Then my mind drifts back to Arion, as he continues to just hold me with one arm that has relaxed against me.

After an hour of being perfectly still, I’m positive Arion has drifted off.

My head is in too many places at once to sleep right now.

My eyes stay fixed on the towel that is starting to naturally loosen around his hips.

He doesn’t move or react in the least when I kiss a spot on his chest, which means I should let the man rest. But when I chance a glance up, I find him quietly staring down at me with a hooded look, like that’s what he’s been doing for the past hour.