Besides, I heard that lately she’s been dating the Dalton basketball team.

She BETTER not want Michael, that’s all I can say. I mean, she can have my throne.

BUT NEVER MY BOYFRIEND.

Mia, what’s wrong?—T

Nothing’s wrong! What makes you think something’s wrong?

Because you look like you just swallowed a sock.

Do I? I don’t mean to. Nothing’s wrong. Nothing at all.

Oh. I thought something might have happened with Michael. Did you talk to him yet? About your not being a party girl, I mean?

Um. No.

Mia! You have to be firm with guys. It’s like Ms. Dynamite says in “Put Him Out”—I understand you love him and UR down/But that don’t mean you gotta be his clown.

I KNOW!

You guys. We have SO MANY submissions for the first issue. Ms. Martinez and I are meeting at lunch to decide what’s going in and what’s not. Volume I of Fat Louie’s Pink Butthole is going to ROCK.

PLEASE STOP CALLING IT THAT.

No, because that is its NAME. You’re the only one who doesn’t like it. Well, except Principal Gupta. But like HER opinion counts. Speaking of which, POG, what’s this Braid! thing your grandmother’s got going on?

How do you know it’s her????

Um, who else would hold auditions at the Plaza? Duh. So. What is it?

I don’t know. Just another of my crazy grandmother’s schemes to humiliate and annoy me.

God, who peed in YOUR cornflakes this morning?

NO ONE!!! I’m just sick of her always butting into my life!!!

Mia’s worried about Michael finding out she’s not a party girl.

TINA!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I’m sorry, Mia. But it’s so ridiculous. Don’t you think it’s ridiculous, Lilly?

What’s a party girl?

You know. Like Lana. Or Paris Hilton.

UGH!!!! Why would you want to be like Paris Hilton, anyway????

I don’t. That’s not what I’m worried about. I’m just—Paris Hilton is one of those women who is too pretty to live. Don’t you think, Tina?

Totally. She is NO ONE for you to be threatened by, Mia.

I am not threatened by her! I just—

Check it out:

WOMEN WHO ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL

TO LIVE AND SHOULD BE SENT AWAY

TO LIVE WITH ONE ANOTHER

ON A DESERTED ISLAND

SO THE REST OF US CAN STOP

FEELING SO INADEQUATE

by

Lilly Moscovitz

1) Paris Hilton. Wait—she’s pretty, can eat whatever she wants and never get fat, much less have to exercise, AND she’s an heiress? Is there no JUSTICE on this planet? And okay, she is kind to animals and gay people, and she is obviously smart enough to land herself a fiancé who is related to one of the richest families in the world. But did she ever think about using her mind to develop something other than a reality TV show? What about a cure for cancer, Paris? What about a way to atomize seawater to produce droplets to rise into the clouds and increase their reflectivity of sunlight, resulting in cooling temperatures adequate to compensate for global warming, thus saving the planet? Come on, Paris, we know you could do it if you applied yourself. With your money and brains, you could really make a difference! 2) Angelina Jolie. Just get rid of her! She’s way too beautiful, with those stupid pouty lips and all that hair and those sticky-outy hip bones. I don’t care about any of that stealing-Brad-from-Jennifer stuff, or the Ethiopian orphan she adopted, or whether or not she ever made out with her brother. Just get rid of her! She’s too pretty! 3) Keira Knightley. Oh my God, I HATE her! She’s WAY too beautiful to live! It’s bad enough she got to make out with Orlando in Pirates, but now she also plays Elizabeth Bennett in yet another Pride and Prejudice remake? I am sorry, but she’s no Lizzie Bennett. Lizzie Bennett is supposed to be SMART, not beautiful. That’s the whole point of the story—that Lizzie isn’t traditionally gorgeous the way Keira is. GOD! Just get rid of her! 4) Jessica Alba. She was bearable in the leading role in the postapocalyptic TV show Dark Angel. At least we never had to see her abs, because it was too rainy in Seattle, where the show took place, for halter tops. Then along came a little film about an aspiring hip-hop dancer called Honey, and then Sin City, and The Fantastic Four, and it was ALL ABS, ALL THE TIME for Miss Alba. Then her name started popping up in Eminem songs. Do we need this? Do we need the foremost poet of our time waxing eloquent on Jessica Alba? We do not. Get her out of here. 5) Halle Berry. Must I even go on? Oh, sure, she TRIED to look bad in Monster’s Ball. Too bad it didn’t work. Halle Berry could not look bad if her life depended on it. She seems to exist merely to make all the rest of us feel insecure. Buh-bye, Halle Berry. 6) Natalie Portman. I guess you WOULD need to cast someone really beautiful to play Princess Leia’s mother. Still. Did they HAVE to cast someone so impossibly beautiful that she even makes those horrible lines in Attack of the Clones—the part where Amidala and Anakin are rolling down that hill with the stupid cow things—sound smart? Sure, Natalie’s tried to redeem herself by playing indie roles that don’t require vinyl bodysuits. But it doesn’t matter how many colors you dye your hair, Ms. Portman. We still think you’re too pretty to live. 7) Shannyn Sossamon. I had my doubts in A Knight’s Tale. I was like, What’s someone that gorgeous doing living in the Middle Ages? But when I saw The Rules of Attraction, I KNEW: Shannyn Sossamon is way too beautiful to play a girl who guys are dumping and cheating on all over the place. It would NEVER HAPPEN. Get rid of her! 8) Thandie Newton. I could handle her in the Audrey Hepburn role in the remake of Charade, because Audrey Hepburn was also too beautiful to live, so it was only to be expected that an actress playing a role she made famous would have to be that beautiful, as well. And I could handle her in the sci-fi adventure The Chronicles of Riddick, because, basically, she played an alien. But when she showed up as Dr. Carter’s love interest on ER, I knew it was time: Time to get rid of her! What is Thandie Newton doing on TV? She is way too pretty to be on TV! She needs to stick to feature films! And no way would some doctor from Chicago go to the Congo and come back with THANDIE NEWTON. Okay??? Women who look like her DON’T GO TO THE CONGO. Please get her out of my sight! 9) Nicole Kidman. Okay, what is Nicole Kidman supposed to be? Is she supposed to be a human being? Because I think she might be one of those aliens that popped out of its human suit in the movie Cocoon. Remember, the super-shiny one? Because Nicole radiates beauty and light the same way that alien did. Hey, maybe she’s one of those aliens the Scientologists are waiting for, the ones who are supposedly going to come back to rescue us all (well, at least all their fellow Scientologists) before we destroy our planet by abusing its natural resources. Maybe that’s why Tom Cruise married her. Nicole Kidman, phone home! Tell the spaceship to hurry up already! 10) Penélope Cruz. Another alien! Although she isn’t as shiny as Nicole, Penelope is definitely too beautiful to be a human being. Maybe that’s why Tom Cruise went out with her for so long! He THOUGHT she might be an alien, like Nicole, but then it turned out Penelope had simply won the genetic lottery, and is just naturally gorgeous. What’s going to happen when Tom finds out Katie Holmes isn’t an alien, either? Is he going to dump her, too? HOW MANY MORE PRETERNATURALLY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN ARE LEFT FOR TOM TO MARRY/DATE? Why won’t the Scientology mothership hurry up and come to TAKE THEM ALL AWAY?????