Truly. He said that. He didn’t say, Gosh, Mia, how can you say you’re not worthy of Michael? Of course you’re worthy! You’re a fabulous human being, so giving and full of life.
Which is basically what everyone else has been saying to me whenever I have brought up this subject.
No, he was like, Yeah, you’re right. You do kind of suck. Now what are you going to do about it?
I was so shocked I stopped crying and just sat there staring at him with my mouth hanging open.
“Aren’t you…aren’t you supposed to say that I’m great just the way I am?” I demanded.
He shrugged. “What would be the point? You wouldn’t believe it, anyway.”
“Well, aren’t you at least supposed to say I should want to improve my worth for myself? As opposed to for some boy?”
“I assumed that was a given,” Dr. K said.
“Well,” I said. I was still kind of trying to get over my shock. “I mean, it’s true. I do have to do something to prove I’m more than just a princess. Only…what? What can I do?”
Dr. Knutz shrugged. “How should I know? I still have to watch the movies of your life in order to get to know you as well as you claim they’ll make me. But I’ll tell you one thing I do know: You’re not going to find out by lying around in bed, not going to school…or by continuing to hold grudges against people simply because they’ve said some unpleasant things to you in the past.”
Unpleasant? Wait till he gets a load of ihatemiathermopolis.com. Not that I’ve told him the URL. Or that Lana’s behind it.
But still. He doesn’t know from unpleasant.
So. My assignment?
Go shopping with Lana.Figure out what I was put on this planet for (besides being a princess).Come back and see Dr. Knutz next Friday after school.
I think I can handle the last one. The first two, though? Might actually kill me.
Friday, September 17, 7 p.m., the loft
Inbox: 0
Not that I actually expected to hear from either Michael OR Lilly. Especially not after I deleted Michael’s e-mail without even replying to it, and seeing the way Lilly ignored me in G and T.
Still. I had kind of hoped…I mean, this is the longest she’s not spoken to me. Ever.
I just can’t believe it’s basically over between us.
And because of a BOY.
Tina just IMed me, though. At least I still have Tina.
ILUVROMANCE: Mia! How ARE you? I barely got to talk to you at school today. Are you feeling better?
FTLOUIE: Yes, thanks!
Whatever. I lie all the time anyway.
ILUVROMANCE: I’m so glad! You looked so sad at school.
FTLOUIE: Well. Yeah. I guess that’s kind of to be expected, considering I’ve lost the love of my life and all.
ILUVROMANCE: I know. I’m so, so sorry. Hey, I know what might cheer you up! Some retail therapy! I mean, you did grow an inch and gained a whole size! You need new clothes! Do you want to go shopping tomorrow? My mom’ll take us. You know how she loves to shop!!!
Which is so totally what I get for ever having agreed to go shopping with Lana. Because Tina’s mom is practically a shopping GENIUS, being a former model and all. And she knows all the designers.
FTLOUIE: Oh, I’d love to! But I have to do something with my grandmother.
The lies just keep mounting and mounting. But whatever. I can’t tell TINA I’m doing something with LANA WEINBERGER. She’d never understand it. Even if I explained about the do-one-thing-every-day-that-scares-you thing. And the thing about Domina Rei.
ILUVROMANCE: Oh. Okay. Well, what are you doing tomorrow night, then? Want to come over? My parents are going out and I have to babysit, but we can watch some DVDs or something.
For some reason—well, okay, I guess because I’m depressed—this invitation almost made me cry. I mean, Tina is just so sweet.
Also, it sounded like something I could handle, emotionally. As opposed to going out with the guy I’d recently been accused of being in love with by the media. When the truth is, I’ve only ever loved one guy, and he is currently in Japan, sending me random e-mails about how hard it is to find egg sandwiches there.
Yeah. Nice.
FTLOUIE: I can’t think of anything I’d rather do.
Except lie in my own bed and watch TV.
But my TV got taken away. So I can’t even do that.
ILUVROMANCE: Yay! I was thinking we should re-examine the Drew Barrymore oeuvre. Her less recent works, like Ever After and The Wedding Singer.
FTLOUIE: That sounds PERFECT. I’ll bring the popcorn.
I really don’t feel guilty about not telling Tina about Michael’s e-mail…or about the fact that I’m in therapy. Because I’m just not ready to talk about those things with anybody yet.
Maybe someday I will be.
But first? I’m going to take a really long nap.
Because I’m exhausted.
Saturday, September 18, 10 a.m., Henri Bendel luxury department store
What am I doing here?
I don’t belong in a store like this. Stores like this are for FANCY people.
And okay, I’m a princess. Which is admittedly pretty fancy.
But I am currently wearing a pair of my MOM’s jeans, because none of my own fit me.
People who are wearing MOM jeans do not belong in stores like these, which are all golden and sparkly and filled with attractive model types carrying bottles of perfume who come up to you and go, “Trish McEvoy?”
And when you go, “No, my name is Mia—” they spritz you with something that smells like Febreze, only fruitier.