And if I tell on them—like if I tell my dad, and he goes to Principal Gupta about it, and she figures out who is doing it, and expels them, or whatever (because Albert Einstein High School has an online harassment policy that is supposed to protect its students from bullying like this), what good will it do?

They’re—whoever they are…and let’s face it, I have a pretty good idea who “they” are—just going to hate me more.

Right.

And so my boyfriend dumped me, and I’m still in love with him—so much so, it hurts? Big deal. Millions of girls have gotten dumped by their boyfriends over the years. I’m not special. My own best friend got dumped just like this a couple of weeks ago.

And now the guy who dumped her says he loves me.

Go figure.

That’s not why I’m crying, either. I guess. I don’t know….

And poor J.P.! I can’t believe I just left him hanging like that. I mean, I didn’t give him an answer either way. I just sort of…ignored him.

But I have to say something or it’s going to be weird.

It’s going to be weird either way, of course.

But he took a risk, putting himself out there like that. The least I can do is pay him the common courtesy of responding.

It’s just…I don’t know what to say.

I don’t! I mean, I know I don’t love him back—obviously.

But that doesn’t mean, like Tina said, that I couldn’t learn to. If I let myself.

In fact, if I let myself, I have an idea I could love J.P. a lot.

Just, you know. In a different way than I loved Michael.

But maybe I shouldn’t be making decisions like this after midnight on a day when I nearly got blown up and two weeks after I got dumped and one week into cowboy therapy and two nights before I’m supposed to make a speech about drainage in front of two thousand sophisticated New York businesswomen and an hour after I discovered ihatemiathermopolis.com is being written by someone who goes to my school and maybe, possibly my ex-best friend. (But it couldn’t be her, right? That would be too mean, even for Lilly.)

Maybe I should sleep on it. Maybe I should just go to bed and—

Okay. That is never going to work. I am never going to get to sleep unless I—

FTLOUIE: Dear J.P.,

Hi. So…today was weird, huh?

And it’s probably only going to be weirder tomorrow, what with all these newspapers and stuff saying how Kenny is a psychopathic madman, and you and I are going out and all. Not that I mind—if I’m going to be falsely romantically linked with anybody, I’m glad it’s you. Ha ha.

It’s just…I don’t know if I’m ready yet to be NOT falsely romantically linked with anybody. Do you know what I mean? Even though it was almost a couple of weeks ago now, it still seems like it was just yesterday that Michael and I broke up. And I’m not sure I’m ready to get back in the saddle and date again—

Oh my God. Dr. Knutz isn’t even here, and I’m using horse allegories. That is just so wrong.

Okay, delete, delete, delete.

Even though it was almost a couple of weeks ago now, it still seems like it was just yesterday that Michael and I broke up. I think I need more time to figure out who I am without him before I hook up with anybody—

Hook up!!! NO NO NO NO!!!! DELETE!!!

I think I need more time to figure out who I am without him before I start going out with somebody else.

Okay. Better.

I really do count you as one of my best friends, J.P. And if I WERE going to date anyone this soon, it would be you.

Oh, God. Is that even true? I mean, I do like him…. He’s no Michael. But who is? Except Michael, of course.

But what about Lilly? It’s true she’s mad at me right now (but she can’t be behind ihatemiathermopolis.com…where would she even find the time, between student council and Lilly Tells It Like It Is and dating Kenny and all?)—and I’m not even really sure why.

But what if by some miracle she decides to forgive me for whatever it is that I did to her? And then she finds out I’m going out with her ex?

On the other hand…she’s going out with my ex.

And, okay, I spent most of the time I was dating Kenny trying to figure out how to break up with him. But still. She can’t be mad at me for doing exactly what she’s doing…can she?

Oh, God. I don’t know.

I don’t know anything anymore.

Which leads me to:

But I need to get my head straightened out before I can let anybody else into it. Does that make sense?

Please don’t hate me.

Love,

Mia

Okay. Hitting SEND before I can change my mind…

Thursday, September 23, 7 a.m., the loft

Inbox: 2!

The first one was from Michael. My heart started beating super fast when I saw it.

But I must be getting a little better, because my palms didn’t get sweaty this time.

Could therapy be working? Or am I just completely dehydrated from all that crying last night?

I couldn’t help wondering, like always, if maybe he’d finally changed his mind, and decided he wanted to get back together after all….

If he did, would I go for it? Would I really stoop that low and take him back, after everything I’d been through in the past few weeks?

Yeah. I would.

But I was crushed (again) to see it was just a link to the New York Post’s story covering the AEHS explosion yesterday, with a note that said:

So I guess Kenny finally figured out how to get the attention he’s always felt he deserved….