Size 14 Is Not Fat Either

Page 63

Dad nods. “I’ll say he was at an impromptu bachelor party,” he tells us. “And came here to sleep so as not to disturb her.”

I just stare—mostly because I’ve forgotten my dad has a first name, and that Cooper had just used it. But also at the preposterousness of what Dad’s just said.

“Jordan doesn’t have any friends,” I say. “Who’s going to throw him a bachelor party? And he’d never be that considerate, not to disturb her.”

“I do so have friends,” Jordan insists from the couch, where Lucy has progressed to licking his face. “You two are my friends. Or six. Or however many you are.”

“I don’t need anyone to walk me back,” Gavin declares, as Cooper reaches for his coat.

“Maybe not,” Cooper says grimly. “But I need some fresh air. Come on.”

The two of them go out, leaving me alone with Jordan and my father—two men who both abandoned me when I needed them most, and then both came crawling back when I didn’t need—or want—them at all.

“You owe me,” I say to Jordan, after I’ve stalked back into the living room with a blanket—and a salad bowl to throw up in—for him. Even though I’m fairly positive he won’t remember any of this in the morning, I add, “And I’m still not coming to your wedding.” To my dad, I say, “Don’t tell Tania I was with him when you call her.”

“I may have been in prison for the past two decades, Heather,” Dad says, with wounded dignity. “But I still have some idea how these things work.”

“Well, good for you,” I say. Then, calling for Lucy, I hurry up the stairs to my own apartment, hoping if I lock the door and get in bed fast enough, I’ll miss Cooper’s return. I know Sarah would accuse me of practicing avoidance techniques.

But hey, when it comes to Cooper sometimes avoidance is the only way to go.

23

’Cause when she’s his wife

And not you

She’s not the only one

Who’s playin’ the fool.

“Marriage Song”
Written by Heather Wells

I sneak away the next morning to avoid Cooper. I do this by rising at the ungodly hour of eight, and manage to get bathed and dressed and out the door by eight-thirty. This is so unlike my usual schedule—of not appearing downstairs before eight fifty-five—that I avoid everyone in the house, including my dad, who is still tootling his Indian flute “tribute to the morning” song when I creep by his room, Timberlands in hand so as not to cause the floorboards to creak.

There’s no sign of Cooper—a peek through his partly open bedroom door reveals a neatly made bed—or, more ominously, Jordan. The blankets beneath which Jordan had slept are folded at the end of the couch, and the salad bowl sits on top of them, mercifully empty. It seems clear to me what’s happened: Cooper roused his brother and is currently transporting him in his own vehicle uptown. There’s no way Jordan would have woken so early on his own the morning after a tear like last night’s. I’ve known Jordan to sleep until four in the afternoon the night after a carouse. Our mutual dislike of morning was one of the only traits we had in common—besides an affection for Girl Scout cookies (him: Thin Mints. Me: Do-Si-Does).

Feeling as if I’ve just won the lottery, I let Lucy out to do her business, grab a chocolate-chip protein bar (for energy during the walk to work), let her back in, and take off—only to find a note taped to the front door.

Heather, it reads, in Cooper’s neat, infinitesimally tiny handwriting, which I have been forced to learn to read in my capacity as his bookkeeper, we’ve got to talk.

Heather, we’ve got to talk? Heather, we’ve got to talk? Could there be four more ominous words in the English language than we’ve got to talk? I mean, seriously, who wants to see a note that says THAT taped to their front door?

No one, that’s who.

Which is why I pull it off and crumple it into my pocket on my way out the door.

What could Cooper want to talk to me about? The fact that I dragged his brother home last night, dead drunk, to sleep it off on his couch, when Cooper’s made it more than clear he wants nothing to do with his immediate family? The fact that I snuck out to investigate Lindsay Combs’s murder, without telling anyone where I was going and after I’d sworn that this time I would leave the detecting up to the professionals? Or possibly the fact that I endangered the life of one of my residents while doing so?

Or maybe it didn’t even have anything to do with what happened last night. Maybe Cooper’s decided he’s sick of putting up with the Wellses and all of their quirks—Dad’s Indian flute and my tendency to drag home drunk pop stars and twenty-one-year-old baggy-panted wannabe gangstas. Maybe he’s going to toss us all out on our ears. Some of us would certainly deserve that kind of treatment.

And I’m not talking about Lucy or my dad.

My walk to work is reflective and sad. Even the protein bar tastes a lot more like cardboard and a lot less like a Kit Kat bar than usual. I don’t want to get kicked out of Cooper’s house. It’s the only home I’ve ever known, really, not counting the apartment Jordan and I lived in together, now forever tainted by the memory of seeing him with Tania Trace’s lips locked around his—

“Heather!” Reggie, back on his usual corner, seems surprised to see me out and about so early. I’m surprised to see him back at work. Though the snow has stopped and the plows have made some headway, the streets are still mere narrow strips between vast mountains of piled-up snow.

“Morning, Reggie,” I say, coming out from behind a six-foot drift covering some unfortunate person’s car. “That was some storm, huh?”

“I wasn’t too happy about it,” Reggie says. He’s bundled up against the cold in a gold Tommy Hilfiger parka. A paper cup of coffee steams in his gloved hands. “Sometimes I think it might be better to return to the islands.”

“But what would you do there?” I ask, genuinely interested.

“My parents have a banana plantation,” Reggie says. “I could help manage it. They have wanted me to come home to do so for a long time. But I make more money here.”

I can’t help but mentally contrast the Winer boys and their family situation with Reggie’s. Doug and Steve Winer’s dad wants them to make their own fortunes, and so the boys have turned to selling drugs. Reggie’s parents want him to take over the family business, but he makes more money selling drugs. The whole thing is just…stupid.

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