The Crippled God
‘Fine, so my imagination’s failed. Sorry about that – I ain’t no spinner of decent tales, Hedge.’
‘I’ll say. What else should I know? We got to kiss that fucking heart awake once we get it? Put a hat on it? Dance in fucking circles round it? Gods, not more blood sacrifice – that stuff creeps me out.’
‘You’re babbling, Hedge. It’s what you always do before a fight – why?’
‘To distract you, of course. You keep chewing on yourself there’ll be nothing left but wet gristle and a few pubic hairs I really don’t want to see. Oh, and the teeth that did all the chewing.’
‘You know,’ Fiddler said with a sidelong glance, ‘if you wasn’t here, Hedge, I’d have to invent you.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Just saying thanks, that’s all.’
‘Fine. Now can I babble some more? ’Cause I’m terrified, y’see.’
‘This will work, Hedge. Get your kitten throwers spread out through my squads, and we’ll make a mess of whoever tries to take us down.’
‘Exactly. Good idea. Shoulda thought of it myself.’
The man moved off again, and Fiddler’s gaze tracked him until he reached his original position at the head of the Bridgeburners. Bless ya, Hedge . He swung round to face his troops. ‘That’s the place, soldiers. That hill. Let’s quick-time it now – only a bell or two before dusk and I want us digging and piling stones in a solid perimeter.’
‘Aye, Captain,’ barked out a heavy. ‘Could do with some fucking exercise.’
Another soldier answered. ‘Knew I should never have carried you, woman!’
‘If you’d been carrying me, Reliko, I’d be pregnant by now – any chance y’get, right, you rat-eating piece of elephant dung.’
‘Maybe if I closed my eyes. But then, can a man even breed with a warthog?’
‘If anybody’d know the answer to that—’
‘Save your breaths, damn you,’ growled Fiddler.
* * *
They trudged over the lesser rises, tackled the hillside. Bottle moved up past Corabb and made the climb alongside Sergeant Tarr. ‘Listen, Sergeant …’
‘Now what, Bottle? Pull out your shovel – we got work to do.’
Soldiers were throwing down their kits on all sides, muttering and complaining about sore backs and aching shoulders.
‘It’s this ground,’ Bottle said, drawing close. ‘I need to talk to the captain.’
Tarr scowled at him, and then nodded. ‘Go on, but don’t take too long. I don’t want you dying ’cause you dug your hole too shallow.’
Bottle stared at the man, and then looked round. ‘They that close?’
‘How should I know? Care to risk your life that they aren’t?’
Swearing under his breath, Bottle set out to where he’d last seen Fiddler – up near the crest of the hill. Hedge had gone up there as well.
Taking a narrow, twisted route between outcrops of bedrock, he heard boots behind him and turned. ‘Deadsmell. You following me for a reason or is it my cute backside?’
‘Your cute backside, but I need to talk to Fid, too. Two joys in one, what can I say?’
‘This hill—’
‘Barrow.’
‘Right, fine. Barrow. There’s something—’
‘Sunk deep all the way round it, aye. Widdershins damn near shit himself the moment he hit the slope.’
Bottle shrugged. ‘Us other squaddies call him Widdershits, on account of his loose bowels. What about it?’
‘Really? Widdershits? That’s great. Wait till Throatslitter hears that one. But listen, how come you’re keeping secrets from us like that? Names like that? We wouldn’t do it to you, you know.’
‘Stifflips and Crack? Scuttle and Corncob? Turd and Brittle?’
‘Oh, you heard them, huh?’
They reached the crest, stepped out on to level ground. Ahead, standing near a long sword thrust into the ground, Fiddler and Hedge. Both men turned as the soldiers approached, hearing the stones snapping underfoot.
‘Forgot how to dig holes, you two?’
‘No, Captain. It’s just that we got us company.’
‘Explain that, Bottle. And be succinct for a change.’
‘There’s a god here with us.’
Hedge seemed to choke on something and turned away, coughing, hacking and then spitting.
‘You idiot,’ said Fiddler. ‘That’s the whole fucking point.’