The Lonely

He vibrates, "Get out." He growls through his teeth.



I arch an eyebrow at him, "You mad?"



He licks his lips, "Yup." He gives me my usual answer.



I laugh and take a step back, "Good."



He walks to me scooping me up in his arms. I wrap my legs around him. His mouth slams into my lips. His tongue is searching for mine. My hands rake through his hair. He slams me into the elevator door and pushes the button. His teeth scrape against my lip.



I cry out and grab a fist full of his hair and pull his head back. He laughs. It's dark and menacing. He crushes me harder into the door. I squeeze tighter with my legs. My dress is pulled up to my chest. His erection is popping out the top of his pants, pressing between my legs and onto my bare stomach. He thrusts, rubbing himself against me. His hands cup my ass, kneading and squeezing to the point I'm certain my cheeks are bright red.



The door dings.



He steps in with me. He presses the button inside and rams my back into the steel wall inside of the elevator.



I groan.



It's exhilarating to have him pressing me so hard into the wall. I squeeze tighter with my legs, he cries out in my mouth.



His hands are searching the back of my underwear. He's tugging them hard. They cut into my leg on the other side of where he pulls. I wince. He grabs them with his other hand and rips them. My eyes widen.



The door dings. I glance at the foyer. We are on the wrong side for the elevator for the front desk douche to see us. Eli's left hand slips back and cups my ass, holding me up. I feel his right hand fumbling in the front of his pants. I hear the zipper of his pants as he sucks and kisses my neck. I moan and press the ten again. The doors close. He's licking up and down my throat.



He growls in my ear. His heavy breathing is making me hot and sweaty. I'm sitting on the handle on the wall, loosening my grip on him so he can get his fumbling fingers between my legs. I'm wet, soaked. His fingers slip inside of me with ease. My wind is lost in the pressure of his fingers inside of me. I can only get out tiny spurts of air as he thrusts rapidly, but only for a moment. Just long enough to make me delirious. His hand is between my legs again, not inside of me. He rubs the head of his erection in my opening and pushes in with one rough thrust.



I cry out, partially in pain and partially in ecstasy. Somehow they have become the same thing to me. The pain makes the pleasure more.



The zipper from his pants rubs against the bottom of my thigh as he pumps into me wildly. His face is lost in my hair and neck. He's kissing and moaning. The back of my head being thumped into the steel wall of the elevator repeatedly. The pain of it makes me come alive suddenly, like it's freeing me.



My legs are losing their grip, but his thrusts are pinning me to the wall. I lose a boot and cry out simultaneously. I'm putty. I'm feeble and losing all the control I've held for so long. Memories of him blindfolding me and paddling my feet flash in my mind. I cry out harder. The images of the paddle make me wetter. My hands are clawing at his shirt. I'm gripping his neck as I grip his erection and convulse. The paddle and the pain are making me come. They make me free of the things I've used to confine myself. It feels as if I've grown wings.



My body spasms.



He grunts and moans, "God damned, Sarah." His words are almost blended in one long gasp.



He pumps with uneven jerks. I feel his grip loosen. I open my eyes and watch his face. His mouth opens as he cries out. I bite his lower lip and pull. He moans loudly.



I want to bite harder but I don’t.



I want more of him. I want to hurt him the way he hurts me.



I don’t feel better.



I'm still a bit pissed.



He steps back and pulls himself out of me. I slide down his body. He blushes and tucks himself back in his pants.



The door dings. I glance out and realize we are at the foyer again. A lady is standing there looking at us. She's holding a small shivering dog and they both look horrified. I follow her gaze to my shredded panties lying on the floor of the elevator.



The doors close again as I pull my dress down and pick up my boot. I press the ten again.



I fight the grin that wants so badly to take over my face. I'm still out of breath and horribly shocked. I pick up my coat and pull it on. The doors open. He doesn’t walk inside. I look at his apartment and then the floor again. He stands with his back to me, he's heaving still too.



He seems so large standing in front of the doors as they close. The elevator moves again. He bends and picks my underwear up and puts them in the pocket of his pants. I scowl and feel weird about him taking them. He doesn’t talk.



The door dings. The lady is still standing there but now she looks disgustedly at me as I step off the elevator. I'm half way across the foyer with flaming red cheeks, both sets, when he grabs me. He drags me outside of the building. He pulls me alongside to an alley. We are standing in the snow. My thighs are slippery and feel cold.



He trembles but I don’t think it's from the cold.



He looks like he wants to say things. The air is frozen and making steam out of his breath. His blue eyes are sweet again. His dark hair is getting coated in flakes. I look down and wait for it, the rejection I know is coming. He doesn’t say anything. I'm cold and I don’t want to talk about it.



I stand on my tiptoes and press my mouth to his. It’s soft and sweet. I whisper into his lips, "It was nice seeing you Eli." I step back and walk away. He doesn’t say anything. I cross the street and try to not have a panic attack about the fact that I have semen between my thighs, running down them, in a cotton dress. In the snow.



"I hate winter." I mutter and knock on the steamy windows of the car.



Stuart leaps out quickly. He blushes and looks at me. His mouth breaks into a grin. I roll my eyes and climb in.



"Was he mean to you?" Shell asks still looking pissed.



I laugh. I don’t know how to answer the question without actually saying, I asked for it. So I don’t look at her. She'll know and start squealing or kill him. Either way I don’t want to deal with it.



Chapter Sixteen



I pace her office, Looking out the window, "Does the winter ever end here?"



She chuckles and sips her water, "It does, in the spring. We have four full seasons here. It's lovely."



I look back at her and sigh, "If you say so."



"Sarah, I want to talk about them. I want to know what you're wiling to give into."



I bite my lip and cross my arms, wrapping them around me. I swallow and nod, "My birthday. I turn twenty. I think I can do it."



She nods, "I agree. I think you can too. I just need you to hear you say it all aloud. What's holding you back?"



My nostrils flare, "What if they have an idea of what I should be and I'm not?" She doesn’t know about the darkness. She doesn’t know how much I liked being tortured by Eli or my desires that are attached to his spankings and fingers.



"You were their child. They gave birth to you and raised you for nearly three years. You were their baby. They will love you no matter what has happened to you and no matter the outcomes of those situations."



I hear her words. I honestly do. But I cannot force myself to believe.



"How do I let them in?" I whisper.



"Slowly. The first time you meet them cut it short after a couple hours, or even an hour. Then the next time a few more hours and slowly get there. If this were an adoption you would have dates where you meet and then get used to each other. But it isn’t. These are your people. They already love you. You just need to remember.



I glance back out the window and wish for the nerves and expectations I've placed on myself to go away.



"Have you seen Mr. Adams?"



I try to hear in her tone whether she thinks I have seen him or not.



I narrow my eyes but don’t turn around, "No." I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to talk about the fact I'm dying to see him and let him hurt me and do dirty things to me. I don’t need that sentence to be released in a room with this much light and judgment in it.



"Is he texting you?"



I glance back and nod, "Of course. You know what he's like." He is texting me. Nonstop. He's driving me insane with it.



Her stare is uncomfortable but I hold it. She is searching me for something. I hate being evaluated.



I cross the room, "Thanks doc."



In the elevator I can't help but pray he's standing at the bottom like last time.



I'm disappointed he isn’t when I get to the main floor and go out to the car.



When I get back to my room I sit and stare at the phone. I don’t know what to say to him. I imagine he feels the same. Shell doesn’t seem to suspect. I'm glad I never told her. I don’t know how to say that I needed him. I needed something. He made the touching and feeling, a good thing. It was dirty in a way I allowed. Like I controlled the filth that was all over me.



"So, are you phoning Sebastian or am I?" She leans in the doorway.



I glance up and smile, "He's picking me up in an hour." Something I am actually dreading. It's my way of forcing myself to move on and be the girl I want to be.



"Birthday plans?" She closes the door and pulls off her coat.



My phone vibrates. I glance at it and blush, 'Hi.'



I shake my head and look back at her, "I have something I need to talk to you about my birthday actually." I take a deep breath, "I want to meet them on my birthday and I want you to come with me. I need you."



I glance up at her mouth-agape stare. I nod.



She sits on the end of the bed, "You want to meet them? You only found out your birthday was coming up like a few weeks ago and you already want to meet them?"



I nod again.



"How? Go to Chicago?"



I shake my head, "Eli will take care of it."



She reaches forward, "I'm so excited and proud of you. That's awesome."



I blush, "Thanks. I'm scared, like shit my pants scared, but I need this. I need the New Leaf to include them. I just want it to all be real and done. I have a family."