The Lonely

I start to panic. My head fills with a million different bad things. "What if they don’t like me? What if I'm not the way they imagined?" Shell pulls a paper bag from her purse and holds it out.



"You're not in the orphanage tardo. These people gave birth to you. They're yours, your parents. They'll love you no matter. Mine love me through all the bullshit."



My hands shake when I take the paper bag. I'm shaking so hard I can't get the edges open. She takes it and opens it, "Calm. Deep breaths." I grip the bag, tearing it. I start to cry.



She pulls a second bag out, it makes me laugh, but it's a sobbing laugh. She holds the bag up to my face. I dig my hand into my pocket and grip the gingerbread hand sani. My body is clenching and aching. I'm huffing the bag but I can't get calm.



Stuart pulls up to a red awning outside a beautiful building. My hands are shaking. The SUV door opens. His hand is there. I'm instantly grateful for him. I close my eyes and take it. He pulls me into him and instantly everything is better. His touch takes away all the sharp edges and makes them soft and safe.



"Eli! Leave her alone!" Shell is shouting and scrambling after us but I'm gripping to him.



"Don’t be strong and brave for them. Be you. They expect nothing." He whispers into my ear, wrapping his body around mine. No amount of hate or disgust I harbor for him, can steal the fact he is my savior. Always was.



He brings me to a fancy white door. I see the woman's washroom sign as we walk through and he locks it. He sits me on the counter and brushes my hair away. His icy-blue eyes are hard and focused.



"They don’t have any expectations. They never even had hope until I confirmed who you were. Be you. You're sweet. We both know that." He isn’t soothing. He's an asshole. But I believe him.



I nod and sniffle, "I'm scared."



He leans in and kisses my forehead, "I am too. But you have me, even if you don’t want me. I'm here. I'll always be here." He pulls a handkerchief from his pocket and puts it up to my face. I shy away, horrified, "Is that clean?"



He laughs, "Yes. Fresh from the laundry. Just let me wipe your eyes." He wipes my eyes softly, "When this is over, you and I need to have a very serious conversation. I don’t want to take away from the specialness of what you're about to do, so we'll just put that on the back burner. Just focus on this moment now. It's hard. I know that. You're amazing and they are lovely people. Trust me."



I flinch when he says it, but I nod. "I do." And I do. There is no one I trust like I do him. Sister or no, I trust him with my safety. Sometimes I still think it's Stockholm.



He puts a hand out. I take it and let him lead me. I'm gripping my sani and him. It's more than I have ever needed.



Shell is in the reception area of the hotel. Stuart is close to her.



She looks at Eli but speaks to me, "You okay, Sarah?"



I nod and squeeze him. He bends into me and whispers, "You ready to do this?"



I grip him and my sani tight. "Yup."



Shell smiles sweetly, "They're going to love you. Like we do."



Tears threaten my eyes again, "You're already more than any orphan could ask for." My words tremble out of me. Eli holds me and pulls me closer to him. I numb myself to him and all of it. I take a breath and nod, "Let's go." He leads me to the elevators. I blush when we step inside. I stand too close and need too much. I can't stop it.



The elevator stops with silence. No ding. No bell. Eli clenches my hand as Shell leans in and kisses me.



We step off and walk down short hall where Eli knocks on a fancy white door. I feel like I might throw up.



I don’t want to be a freak. I want them to see me as a normal girl. I hold my breath and wait. My eye sight starts to narrow. My tunnel vision gets bad when I get stressed. I take a deep breath. The door opens, making me gag a bit. I hold it back. A tall man with grey hair and a grey mustache and sparkly blue eyes answers. His hand comes up to his mouth. I see his face tremble. A woman comes and stands beside him. She has blonde hair like me and blue eyes that instantly are filled with tears. I notice when she brings her hands to her face they are incredibly clean.



She leans into the man and starts to sob. I see movement behind them. She reaches forward and grabs me. Eli holds my hand, but the woman trembles and grips me with shaking strength. The hall and room are completely silent. None of us makes a sound. Everything is quiet. The man wraps around me. I'm sobbing. I can't see anything but as long as I can feel his hand I'm okay. I don’t know what to say.



"You look just like my mother." She whispers into my hair.



The space around me becomes dark. I grip his hand for the life of me. I can't see. I can smell them and deep inside I know it. I know the smell. It's gingerbread cookies and warm hugs and a black and white cat.



Eli speaks softly, "Let's just step inside."



The man heaves slightly and when he steps back I can see light again. There are others. Boys. My age, or close to it. They're huge. Tall and strong looking. One has dark hair like Eli and the other has blond hair, like me. I can see it immediately. I belong with them. We match.



The man tries to talk but he can't. I can't either. One of the boys is crying. He points, "Dad, Mom, Jake, Lyle." He points to himself. He's Lyle. I look into his eyes and watch it happen. He remembers me. I see it.



They drag me into the hotel room. I drag Eli with me. The mom grabs Eli and attacks him with hugs and savage kisses. They look painful.



"Thank you, thank you, thank you. You dear boy. Thank you." Her voice is broken. He looks stoic throughout the assault.



I look back at Shell. She's crying into Stuart, who has red eyes and a quivering jaw.



The Dad grabs me, forcefully. I flinch. He stops his assault and moves slowly, "Sorry, Sarah. I just…well…we….never imagined. We hoped."



I can see it in his eyes. He's normal. They're normal. He's wearing a sweater and a polo and she's got on a blouse. The people who wore sweaters and blouses were the ones you wanted at the orphanage. I always wanted a sweater and a blouse. But they all knew who I was. No one wants that kid. God knows what's already been done to that kid or what they’ll do to the kids already in your house.



But I didn’t have to worry about that anymore. This sweater and blouse were mine.



I let go of Eli's hand and let my Dad wrap his arms around me. He folds around me, like he's making up for lost time. My mom stops mauling Eli and joins our embrace. Her hug is the gingerbread where his is the cat that I remember.



"Sarah, do you remember us?"



My lips feel dry and chapped and too thick to speak, but I manage. "I remember gingerbread cookies and skating on a pond and hot cocoa and a black and white cat."



Apparently it is enough. They cry and nod their heads, "The pond is at my mother's farmhouse. Your grandma."



"I don’t have anything else to give. I wish I did." I say softly.



They hug harder. Jake and Lyle join in again. They eat me up and I don’t know what to do with it all.



I turn my head and lean into my father's chest. I open my eyes to see Eli watching me. He smiles. It's almost sweet.



My brothers leave my embrace and grab at him. They pull him in and pat him.



"Come and sit, Sarah. We have so much to talk about." My mother points to the huge sitting area. I look at Shell and Stuart and hold a hand out. Shell rushes and grabs me.



"This is Michelle. She has been my family since I was eight."



My mom grabs her and holds her close. They cry together.



"Thank you Michelle. Thank you."



Michelle shakes her head in quick jerks.



"This is Stuart. He helped me remember everything that happened. And he keeps me safe." My mother's arm shoots out. She drags him in.



We cry for some time before I actually manage to sit in a chair. Eli sits beside me, holding my hand.



"I'm Helen, if you don’t want to call me mom just yet. Your Dad's name is Roger." She fumbles with a book beside her, "This is yours." She passes it to me. It's thick and heavy and soft pink. I put it in my lap and lean into Eli. He opens to the first page for me. Instantly the tears are there again. A wisp of white blonde hair is taped to the edge of the book.



"You had almost none, so chubby and bald compared to your brothers. But we managed to get a bit for the baby book." She sounds lost suddenly, like the book has transported her back.



I lightly brush my fingers over the fine hair. I turn the page and see the announcement in the paper. The piece of paper looks old and tarnished.



"Happy birthday Baby." Helen says softly. My brother, Lyle reaches over and puts a hand on her shoulder. She lifts her hand to his.



"You were the baby. Lyle is twenty-three and Jake is twenty-five. They were five and seven when you were taken." Her words break inside of her mouth and fall out in jumbled pieces. I get what she means though.



As I turn the pages, I notice how worn they are. I can almost feel the grease of fingers that lingered too long and tears that fell too often from eyes, lost staring at the pages. Each page is another stage, a baby sitting up or crawling or walking. Golden locks and big blue eyes. Eli is so tight to me, I'm certain he is the only thing stopping it from feeling like a dream.



"We searched…for so long. About five years ago we had that built." She points. I turn the page and see it. It's them. And me. My tomb. My headstone and monument. They buried me. I drag my fingers along the photo.



"We just thought, well we gave up. For that we are so sorry."



I shake my head, "I gave up too."



She is crying into her hands. I wonder if it's guilt or relief. I hate that they feel badly. But I can see it in their eyes.



"We would like for you to come home with us." My skin crawls. He senses me tensing and puts a huge hand on my thigh. It looks massive there.



I nod and mentally slap myself, "I can come."