The Lonely

"Did you sleep well?" My Dad asks. I smile and nod, "I did."



My mom squeezes my hand again, "I slept like I haven’t slept in a hundred years." She laughs and I know the sound. It's distant but I remember it. Like wind chimes I once heard but will remember every time I hear them.



I laugh and nod, "I know that feeling." I remember her voice. I like that.



We eat breakfast and laugh and hug. She pours my coffee and he smiles when he passes me the butter. My brothers bicker and make fun of me with Shell. I feel like I'm at Shell's but these are mine. I belong.



Hours later, sitting in the car with Stuart driving, I'm lost in what to do. I refused to go back with Eli and he wasn't bold enough to drag me to his car in front of my Dad and brothers. I have a Dad and brothers. Protection of my own.



"They are so awesome." Shell smiles at me.



I glance up and nod, "Awesome."



Stuart looks at me in the rearview, "I love them dude. So amazing. Your mom is demanding we all come for Easter. Is that cool?"



I nod, "It is. I want you guys there too."



Shell narrows her eyes, "What did Eli do? You looked ready to murder him."



I shake my head, "The usual shit. You know Eli."



Stuart nods but Shell shakes her head, "I don't actually."



I laugh, "Well you're not missing much."



Stuart laughs, "Oh you're missing a lot. It's just whether you want to see what all you're missing.



I look behind us and see him. He's so close I can see the cold anger in his eyes. It makes me nervous.



Stuart looks at me, "He says I have to take you to his place."



I look back and give him the finger. I send a message to Sebastian quickly.



'Meet me at front entrance of the Mandarin Oriental building in ten-minutes please.'



'Okay. You alright?' He texts me back too quickly. Like he was waiting for my message. It hurts but I need him.



'Yup.'



I hate what I'm about to do. I'm selfish sometimes.



We pull up in front of the building. I dash from the SUV and run across the road to the white Porsche parked out front. I jump in and point, "Just drive, please."



My phone rings. I glance at it and sigh.



"What's going on? Are you alright?" Sebastian looks confused.



I shake my head, "No. I needed to talk to you." I look at him as the engine revs. "Can you take me to the dorms?"



He looks angry and I don’t blame him. He sighs and turns up a road. "Are you breaking up with me?" He glances at me.



I nod, "It's not that I'm breaking up with you. I'm freeing you from the insanity that is me." I turn and face him, "You told me you didn’t want some other guy's girl."



He licks his lips and nods. I hate what I about to do to him.



I clear my throat and speak softly, "Fourteen years ago a boy held his hand out for me. He rescued me from my prison. I have never gotten past it. No matter what I do, or where I go, all I see is his hand. His fucked up, bizarre, damaged hand." I stop and listen to myself. I shake my head, "I realize I'm not even making sense. But let me just say this, no matter what happens in this world, I will always be that guy's girl. I've made him so big in my mind that I can't even move around in there. It's not that I can even be with him. I just won't ever be without him. I'll never be whole without him."



He frowns, "This is insanity. You're going on the emotions of your family and the feelings that are overwhelming you. You need to distance yourself and find your true feelings."



"From both of you." I whisper.



He looks at me with the greenest hazel eyes ever and the most broken look on his face. I force myself to look at him and see every ounce of pain.



He stops the car and looks down, "Yesterday was amazing. I don’t even know what to say about it all. But I think I'm out of patience, Sarah. I won't be back or waiting around. I think I've gone as far as I can, waiting for you to get better."



"I know." I want to tell him I'll never be better. This is better. But I don’t want to prolong the conversation. I just want out of the car.



He looks at me and smiles bitterly, "I'm leaving Boston. I'm going to Los Angeles for work and I don’t know when I will be back."



"Okay."



He leans over and kisses my cheek so softly it barely touches, "Take care of yourself."



"I will. You too."



He looks back at the steering wheel. I climb out, hating myself.



My brain hurts.



I storm up the steps to my building and to my room. I open the door and collapse on the bed. I grab the remote and switch on the TV. I don’t think I'll ever be able to watch Amelie again. I turn on a vampire movie and hang with my people, the stupid girls who always pick the monster.



The next day I'm walking across the path to my dorm when my phone vibrates.



I pull it out of my pocket and answer it with anger worthy of the annoyance of him calling every five-minutes. "WHAT!" I snap.



His voice is desperate. All the anger is gone. "You have to see this isn’t about you. She wants you and I under her thumb. I haven’t had a session with her since it happened. She isn’t my therapist. It isn’t even a big deal. You slept with that Sebastian fellow on your birthday and I never brought it up. I haven’t been with anyone since I found you. I swear to god. I haven’t slept with anyone since I found you."



"YOU LET ME GO THERE! YOU LET HER TREAT ME! YOU TWO FUCKING TORTURED ME IN A CELL! YOU FUCKED A WOMAN YOU LET TORTURE ME!" I forget I'm in the middle of the path on campus.



"SHE IS THE BEST, SARAH. FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" He screams and swears. He's mad. I hang up, slightly panicking. He is never that mad.



I run to my dorm and pack my bag. I'm opening the door when Shell walks in. She frowns, "What's happened?"



"I need to go box. I just need it." She sees my face and texts Stuart and grabs her bag too. She loops her arm through mine and walks with me down the stairs.



"Tell Shell Shell what's wrong."



I shake my head, "I just need time."



"Did you and Eli hash things out?" She asks.



I look at her like she is crazy, "Hash out what? He slept with our therapist and let her treat me. She loves him or is obsessed with him and lied about his feelings for me. She told me he liked me because he'd mentally made me his sister."



She holds my arm tight and walks me across the campus to the SUV. She stops just shy of it and looks at me, "You know I'm the biggest Sebastian fan ever. I have long wished you would beat this thing you have with Eli and marry Sebastian. I was thinking senior year, in Chicago. Let your mom and my mom plan everything so we can listen to them bicker about how you're actually Italian from my side of the family."



I laugh weakly.



She shakes her head, "I don’t think that anymore. I have never been team Eli, but after watching him with you, I am all team Eli. I am one hundred percent Eli. He is so in love with you. He took care of you and forced you out of survival orphan mode. He has spent his entire life either looking for you or figuring out the way to help you. He has no one, Sarah. No one. His parents are ridiculous and his therapist is a tart. He hasn’t had girlfriends or anything. I have grilled Stuart like a mutha. That boy has literally spent his life devoted to you. All you. Not his sister. Not replacing you with her. Just you. He had the tombstone made for Emalyn. He was the one who started the Emalyn Adams Foundation for victims of child abuse. Stuart said he did that to get closure. There is a whole other Eli we don’t know."



I slump, "Well shit."



She sighs, "I know right. All that badass and tattoos and he's a fucking score. It's so not fair." She grins. I nudge her and walk to the car.



I smirk at Stuart, "Thanks for coming."



He nods at Shell, "I was already here."



I laugh and climb in. We drive over to the gym.



I look out the window processing everything she said. It sounds true. In my heart, which is blind to his faults, it feels right. He loves me. I know he does. God I hope he does. I hate the control he has, but at the same time I'm so grateful he has it. He has me and everything else taken care of. In a twisted way, loaded with codependency, I love that about him. I trust him.



We pull into the gym parking lot. I climb out on my own and point at Stuart, "Stop." He backs off and laughs.



I shoulder my bag and walk up to the doors. I don’t feel like boxing suddenly. I feel like closing up and refusing the entire world so I can sit and ponder the shit I don’t want to deal with.



My phone vibrates.



'Where are you?'



I look at it and rub my thumb over the screen where the snow is falling. I shake my head muttering, "God I hate Boston. I hate snow."



Shell laughs. "Oh my god, me too. I just want to go to Cuba for like two weeks and lay on a beach."



Stuart smirks, "Spring break?"



She grins, "For real?"



He nods and pulls her into his embrace. My heart hurts. I walk inside, leaving them making out in the goddamned snow.



I tape up my hands and walk slowly out to the rings.



He's there.



I shake my head, "Do you have a GPS tracker on me?" I ask.



He laughs but it doesn’t reach his eyes, "I do."



I cross my arms, "What? What do you want to say?"



He turns and walks away. I follow. He's still got the control. He climbs into a ring. I look around and see the gym is empty of other people. I climb into the ring with him.



He brings over gloves and pulls them on to my hands, delicately. More so than he has ever been.



He speaks softly, still confidently though, "She is the best. She was the only one who believed that you could be rescued and I needed you." His eyes are wide and filled with tears. "I needed you." His vulnerability scares me. He walks slowly to get his gloves and slides his hands into them. "No one believed me about you - that I didn’t invent you. No one saw me as a hero. No one but you, and for that belief in me that you had, I let you down. I left you sleeping in that barn, thinking it would be better if you didn’t have to see the police. I was protecting you even then. You have never, nor will you ever, be my sister. I know I'm messed up and I am insane in so many different ways, but the fact you could believe me capable of such a horrific thing…" He looks at me as a single tear leaks from his icy-blue eye, "It kills me inside." His statement and his face break my heart. Somehow I'm the bad guy again.