The Undomestic Goddess

“Yes, I do. That’s a … lovely painting,” I add. “So vivid!”

“We were rather pleased with it.” Trish looks complacent.

“And you have a full-time job there?” I’m sure Eddie’s only asking to be polite—but for a few moments I can’t bring myself to answer. Do I have a job?

“I did,” I say at last. “To be honest … I don’t know what my situation is at the moment.”

“What sort of hours did you work?” Trish seems suddenly interested in the conversation.

“All hours.” I shrug. “I’m used to working all day and into the night. Through the night, sometimes.”

The Geigers look absolutely stunned at this revelation. People just have no idea what the life of a lawyer is like.

“You used to work through the night?” Trish seems stupefied. “On your own?

“Me and the other staff. Whoever was needed.”

“So you come from … a big setup?”

“One of the biggest in London.”

Trish and Eddie are darting glances at each other. They really are the oddest people.

“Well, we’re far more relaxed, you’ll be glad to hear!” Trish pushes open a door. “This is the master bedroom … the second bedroom …”

As we walk down the corridor she opens and closes doors and shows me four-poster beds and swishy curtains and matching upholstered ottomans, until my head swims. I don’t know if it’s too much floral wallpaper or whatever was in those migraine pills—but I’m feeling more lightheaded by the minute.

“The green bedroom … As you will know, we don’t have children or pets.… Are you a smoker?” Trish suddenly demands.

“Um … no. Thanks.”

“Not that we mind either way.”

We descend a small flight of stairs and I grab on to the wall to keep myself steady.

“Are you all right?” Eddie catches my arm.

“I think those tablets were a bit strong …” I mumble.

“They can be.” Trish gives me a considering look. “You haven’t drunk any alcohol today, have you?”

“Er … well, yes …”

“Aaah.” She pulls a face. “Well, maybe you should have a little rest before you leave. What a good thing we’ve come to the staff accommodation!” She opens the last door with a flourish.

All the rooms in this house are huge. This one is about the size of my flat, with pale walls and stone mullioned windows overlooking the garden. It has the plainest bed I’ve seen yet in this house, vast and square and made up with crisp white bed linen.

I fight a sudden, almost overwhelming urge to lie down on it and sink into oblivion.

“Lovely,” I say politely. “It’s … a gorgeous room.”

“Good!” Eddie smacks his hands together. “Well, Samantha. I’d say you’ve got the job!”

I look at him dumbly.

Job?

“Eddie!” snaps Trish. “You can’t just offer her the job! We haven’t finished the interview!”

Interview?

“We haven’t even given her a full job description!” Trish is still laying into Eddie. “We haven’t been through any of the details!”

“Well, go through the details, then!” retorts Eddie. Trish shoots him a look of fury and clears her throat.

“So, Samantha,” she says in formal tones. “Your role as full-time housekeeper will comprise—”

“I’m sorry?”

Trish clicks her tongue in exasperation. “Your role as full-time housekeeper,” she says, more slowly, “will comprise all cleaning, laundry, and cooking. You will wear a uniform and maintain a courteous and respectful …”

My role as—

These people think I’m applying to be their housekeeper?

I’m too dumbfounded to speak.

“ … full board and lodging,” Trish is saying, “and four weeks holiday a year.”

“What’s the salary?” says Eddie with interest. “Are we paying her more than the last girl?”

I think Trish might murder him, there and then.

“I’m so sorry, Samantha!” Before I can even open my mouth she’s dragged Eddie out of the room and banged the door, whereupon a furious, muted argument breaks out.

I look around the room, trying to gather my wits.

They think I’m a housekeeper. A housekeeper! This is ridiculous. I have to put them right. I have to explain the misunderstanding.

Another wave of wooziness engulfs me and I sit down on the bed. Then, before I can stop myself, I lie back on the cool white cover and close my eyes. It’s like sinking into a cloud. It’s been a long day. A long, exhausting, painful nightmare of a day. I just want it to be over.