Twilight Phantasies

Two in the morning. She lay staring up at the white underside of her canopy, wishing to God she could close her eyes. Eric had insisted on bringing her home after she'd blurted that she loved him. He had seemed shocked speechless for a few moments. Then he was awkward, as if he didn't quite know what to say to her. She was confused. What did he want from her, a physical relationship without emotions? But there already had been emotions between them, deep, soul-stirring emotions she was only beginning to understand. And she'd thought he loved her. He'd implied it. He'd said he had love for her. Was that the same thing?



She turned restlessly onto her side and punched her pillow. Again she glanced at the cognac on the bedside stand. He'd insisted she take it with her, since she'd remarked on how wonderful it was. No wonder, she thought now. The stuff was bottled in 1910. It was probably worth a fortune. And here she was swilling another glassful in hopes of using it as a sleep aid. If she didn't get some sleep soon she was going to collapse at work, in front of everyone, and then what would Daniel do? Probably check her into a rest home.



She wandered into the bathroom, still wide awake a half hour later. What was she going to do about Eric? Daniel would die if he knew the truth. She loved the old coot. She would hate to hurt him. God, her mind was spinning with too much tonight. She opened the medicine cabinet and rummaged until she found the brown plastic prescription bottle. She'd tried the damned sleeping pills before. Single doses, double doses, even once a triple dose. She hadn't even worked up a good yawn. She twisted the cap and poured four tiny white capsule-shaped pills into the palm of her hand. She popped them into her mouth with a cynical glance at her reflection. Who was she kidding? She wouldn't close her eyes until dawn.



A glass of water rinsed the caplets down. She wandered back to bed, realized she still held the worthless bottle of tranquilizers in her fist and dropped it carelessly on the stand.



* * * * *



"Kill him for this."



Daniel? Was that Daniel's voice tickling the fringes of her consciousness? He sounded angry, and strained. "I tried to tell you." Curt's voice was louder, more level. "She should have been under constant surveillance. If we'd followed her, we'd have had the bastard."



"If your tranquilizer works. It hasn't been tested, Curtis. You can't be certain it will immobilize him."



"And how the hell do you suggest we test it? Send out a notice asking for volunteers? Look, I've done everything I can think of. All signs are, it will work. There's nothing left to do but try it."



Try what? On whom? And why were they both so angry?



"He raped her, Curtis." Daniel's voice warbled on the words. "It wasn't enough to take her blood, he had to have her body, as well. The son of a bitch raped her. . . left bruises on her skin. My God, no wonder she couldn't bear to face us in the morning."



"I never thought Tammy would be the kind to try this way out. Pills and brandy!" Cult's voice sounded harsh on her ears. "Why the hell didn't she tell us and let us handle it?"



Raped? Tamara remembered the pig on the highway ramp. . . his hands on her, his filthy breath on her face. But he hadn't raped her. Eric came and-Eric-my God, they thought Eric had put these bruises on her body. She struggled to open her eyes. Her lips moved but no sound came from them. She had to tell them!



"She's coming around." Daniel's presence lingered closer. She forced her heavy lids to open. Nothing focused and the attempt left her dizzy, with a sharp pain in her head. She felt his hands on her forehead, but it seemed her forehead was not attached to her. Everything seemed distorted.



"Tamara? It's all right, sweetheart. Curtis and I are with you now. Marquand can't hurt you now."



Frantically she tossed her head back and forth on the pillows. Pillows that were too plump and stiff, with cases too starched and white. Not her own pillows. "No. . . Eric. . . not. . . him. . . ." Damn, why couldn't she make her mouth form a coherent sentence?



"Eric," Curtis mocked. "I told you she remembered. It's all been an act. I wouldn't be surprised if she went to him willingly, Daniel. We always knew he'd come for her, didn't we? And I always said she'd never be one of us. You brought her right inside DPI. For Christ's sake, I wonder how many secrets she's passed already?"



"She wouldn't betray us to him. Curt," Daniel said, but his voice was laced with doubt.



"Then why did she mix those pills with the booze? It's guilt, I'm telling you! She sold us out and couldn't face it."



"What could she possibly have told him? She doesn't know anything about the research!"



"That we know of," Curtis added, his words meaningful. "He would like nothing better than to murder the both of us, Daniel. We're the leaders in vampire research. He gets rid of us, he sets the entire field back twenty years or more."



"You think I don't know that?"



She struggled against the darkness she felt reaching out to her, but it was a worthless fight. She whispered his name once more before she sank into the warm abyss. The voices of the men she loved grew dimmer.



"He'll come to her ... just like before."



"We'll be ready. Get the tranquilizer and meet me back here."



* * * * *



Eric paced the room yet again, pushing a hand through his hair, adding to its disarray. "Where is she? I attune my mind to hers, and yet I feel nothing!"



"She's probably managed to get some sleep. Do not disturb her."



Eric shook his head. "No. No, something is wrong. I feel it."



Roland's brows creased with worry, despite his feigned sigh of exasperation. "This ingenue of yours is becoming a bit of a bother. What trouble do you suppose she's got herself into this time?"



"Wish to God I knew." He turned, paced away toward the fireplace, spun on his heel and came back. He stopped and met Roland's gaze. " I shouldn't have let it happen. She was already in a fragile state of mind. When she realized what she'd done in the cold light of day she likely felt soiled, infected by my touch, made-"



"Shut up, unless you can say something reasonably intelligent, Eric. If she didn't mind it last eve, she won't mind it now. You think the girl doesn't know her own mind? My interpretation of events is this: your blood, given her so many years ago, altered her to some degree. It sealed the bond between you, and made her feel a natural aversion to sunlight, an abounding exuberance by night. It is a logical guess, then, that she would not be as repulsed by the taking of a few drops in a moment of passion, as a normal human might."



Eric sighed long and loud. "She thinks herself in love with me. Did I tell you that?"



"Only a hundred or so times since we rose a mere hour ago, Eric. . . not that I'm keeping count. What's so surprising in that? You fancy yourself in love with her, do you not?"



"I don't fancy myself anything. I do love her. With everything in me."



"Who's to say she doesn't feel the same?"



Eric closed his eyes slowly, and left them that way. "I hope to God she doesn't. It is enough that I will have to bear the pain of our eventual separation. I wouldn't wish such agony on her." He opened his eyes and met Roland's frown. "It is inevitable."



"It is anything but that. She could be-"



"Do not even think to suggest it." Eric turned away from his friend, his gaze jumping around the room, settling nowhere. "This existence has been my curse. I wouldn't wish it to be hers, as well."



Roland's voice came low, more gruff. "If it is the loneliness of which you speak, Eric, no one understands better than I."



"Your solitude is self-imposed. It's as you want it. Mine is an unending sentence of solitary confinement. I don't interact because I cannot trust in anyone-not with DPI always seeking a way to destroy me."



"My solitude-" Roland cut himself off, and simultaneously closed his mind to Eric's curiosity. When he began his voice was steadier. "Is not the matter we were discussing. Your existence would not be lonely if you had someone with whom to share it."



Eric closed his eyes and shook his head. "I have already considered this question, Roland. I've made my decision."



"The decision, my friend, is not yours to make."



Anger flared within Eric. His head came up, and he slowly turned to tell Roland exactly what he thought of that remark, when the scent slowly twisted around his mind. He gripped it the way a drowning man would grip a lifeline, and he concentrated, focusing his entire being on that one sensation coming to him from Tamara. The scent. . . . he frowned harder. . . . clean. . . . sterile. Sickeningly familiar.



His eyes wide, he faced Roland. "My God, she's hospitalized!"



Eric lunged for the door, but Roland leapt into his path. "A moment, Eric. You tend to lose all sense of caution where Tamara is concerned." He reached for his satin cloak and flung it about his shoulders with a long-practiced twist of his arms. "I dare not imagine what sort of mess you'll end in without me along."



"Fine." Eric paused as he reached for the door. "Roland, you can't wear that to a hospital. You look as if you've stepped out of the pages of that Stoker fellow's book."



"I have no intention of going inside. Can't bear the places, myself."



True to his word, Roland lurked in the shadows outside while Eric followed his sharpening sense of Tamara to the proper floor. He took the stairs, and he sent the probing fingers of his mind out ahead of him, ever on the alert for St Claire or Rogers. Before long he caught a hint of their presence, very near Tamara's, though he felt it nowhere near as strongly as he felt hers.



He glanced up and down the fourth-floor corridor and quickly spotted the room. He'd have known it without help, but the burly man in the dark gray suit posted outside her door made it obvious. Eric didn't recognize him, but knew at once he was DPI. If he was going to see Tamara he'd need to find another way. Already he felt reassured. Her stamina reached from her mind to his, though he sensed she might still be groggy. She was well. He felt it.



His relief was so great he very nearly didn't notice the hinged metal folder on the counter where nurses milled. A strip of white tape across the front bore the words in black ink. Dey, Tamara. Eric stiffened. He had to see that folder. Only then would he know the extent of her injuries, and exactly what had transpired to land her here. He closed his eyes.



Roland? Are you still out there?



Where else would I be? came the bored reply.



I could use a distraction, Eric told him.



Done.



Eric waited for about thirty seconds, uncomfortably watching both directions, half expecting St Claire to appear at any second. Then a bloodcurdling scream came from a room in another corridor and every nurse stampeded. A male voice echoed through the halls. "It was grinning at me-right through my window! I swear! And it, it had fangs-and its eyes-"



Eric grinned slightly, against his will. He hurried to the desk and nipped open Tamara's folder. He didn't need to scan it long. According to the physician who'd examined her, Tamara had been rushed in early this morning, unconscious and with vital signs that were barely discernible. She'd ingested a large amount of tranquilizers, combined with alcohol. According to the doctor's examination, she had recently had sexual intercourse. He further noted the bruises on her torso, and concluded that she'd been raped sometime the previous night. The pills and alcohol had been, in his opinion, a suicide attempt.



The sheet swam before his eyes. His stomach churned. Had he been alone he'd have roared like a wounded lion. As it was, he had to hold his anguish in check. It wasn't rape that had driven her over the edge, he alone knew that. It was something far more damaging to the soul. She'd made passionate love to a monster. Hadn't he known it would be more than she could face when the fire died down? Nearly blind with pain, he closed the folder and headed back the way he'd come.



Roland had just leapt down from the ledge. "Did you hear that fool bellow?" He laughed hard. "I haven't had such fun in years." He halted his chuckles and cleared his throat. "So, how did you find our girl? Did you see her? Eric-my God, you look like hell. What is it?"



Eric swallowed hard and forced the words to come. It wasn't easy. His throat was so tight he could barely inhale, and when he did it burned. "I . . . couldn't see her. A guard is posted outside her room. DPI." He spotted a bench nearby and went to it. He needed to sit. It was as if he'd been hit by a train. "She tried to take her own life, Roland."



"What!" Instantly Roland sat beside him, his arm at Eric's back. Eric barely felt it.



"I told you she'd regret what we-what I did to her, when she could think clearly. But I had no idea it would repulse her so that she couldn't go on living!"



"You are wrong!"



The violence in Roland's voice didn't penetrate the wall of pain around Eric. "Sleeping pills mixed with alcohol. It's all on her charts."



Roland gripped both of Eric's shoulders and forced him to look him in the eye. "No. She wouldn't do it."



Eric shook his head. "You barely knew her."



"True, but I know the despondency it takes to drive one to that extreme! Eric, I've been witness to such, firsthand. I've seen all the signs." His voice softened. "I only wish I had known them in time." He shook himself then. "Eric, do not accept less than her own words to confirm this theory. I know it to be wrong. See her. Talk to her."



Eric shook his head for the hundredth time. "I am the last person she would wish to see."



"If so, she will tell you so and you will have your answer. If not, you'd do her a grave injustice to leave her in that room with a DPI guard preventing her leaving."



Eric's shoulders stiffened where before they'd been slumping. "I suppose I could go in through the window. But I fear St Claire and Rogers might be in the room with her."



"Give me a moment," Roland said, dropping his brutal grip from Eric's shoulders and rising to pace away. "I'll think of something."



* * * * *



She blinked the haziness away slowly, and realized Daniel sat close to her, holding her hand. She wondered why she seemed to be in a hospital room, and bits of the conversation she'd heard earlier began surfacing in her mind.



"You're awake." Daniel leaned nearer. "They said you'd be coming around soon. You shouldn't have been out as long as you were, but we all figured the rest would do you good, so we let you be."



It had done her good, she thought as her mind cleared more and more. She felt the energy surge and longed to toss the covers back and go outside. She licked her parched lips. "It's night, isn't it? My God, how long have I slept?"



"I found you in your bed this morning." He swallowed. "I thought you were asleep at first, but then I saw the pills, and the brandy." He repeatedly pushed one cool palm up over her forehead. "Baby, you should have just told me. I wouldn't have blamed you. It wasn't your fault."



She sat up in bed so fast his hand fell away. Fully now, she recalled the words she'd only dimly been aware of at the time. They all thought she'd tried to kill herself. Moreover, they thought she'd been beaten and raped, by Eric, no less. They'd seen the marks his unbridled passion had left on her throat.



"Daniel, I have to tell you what happened last night."



"Don't torture yourself, sweetheart. I already know. I-" A sob rose in his throat, but he fought it down. "I'll kill him for what he did to you, Tam. I swear to God, I will."



"No!" She came to her feet all at once. "Daniel, you have to listen to me. Just. . ." A wave of dizziness swamped her, and if Daniel hadn't been there to steady her she'd have sunk to the floor. "Just listen to me, please."



"All right. All right, honey, I'll listen if you feel you need to talk it out. Just get back into the bed first, okay?" She nodded, clinging to his soft shoulders and easing herself back down. When she was once again settled back against the pillows, she focused on staying calm.



"Where is Curtis?"



"Outside. He walks the perimeter once very hour. We're not going to let Marquand get near you again, honey. Don't worry on that score."



She rolled her eyes. "Curt should hear this, too, but it can't wait. You'll tell him everything I tell you. Promise?"



He nodded. She cleared her throat and tried to summon courage enough to be honest with him. She should have been from the start. "I've seen Eric Marquand several times since that night at the rink," she blurted at last. Daniel opened his mouth but she held up two hands. "Please, let me get through this before you say anything." She licked her lips. "He's taken me on a sleigh ride, and fed me hot cocoa and fine cognac-in fact, the cognac I had last night was a gift from him. I've been to his house, too. We sat before a fire and talked for hours. He's not a monster, Daniel. He's a wonderful, caring man."



"My God. . ."



"Last night after I left Hilary I had a flat tire. I had to pull off an exit and was going to walk to a service station. I was-" she closed her eyes at the memory "-attacked. I fought him, but it was no use. He was very strong. I think he would've killed me when he'd finished. But Eric came just in time." Her eyes opened now that she'd gotten past the most horrid memory of last night. "He pulled the man off me, and beat him unconscious. He carried me to the car. He covered me with his own coat, and then he drove. He would have brought me directly home, but I asked him not to. I needed time to calm myself." She reached for his hand. "Daniel, Eric saved my life last night."



Daniel stared at her for a long moment. "But, how could. . . I don't-"



"He's not the monster you keep telling me he is," she told him. "He's more human than a lot of men I know."



For a moment Daniel appeared uncertain, but then his eyes narrowed. "You can't deny the marks he left on your throat. That's proof of what he is."



She lowered her eyes. "I won't deny them, but I won't lie about them, either. I'm not going to tell you things that are none of your business, Daniel. But you have to know that everything that happened between Eric and me last night happened because I wanted it to happen. I wanted it, even knowing what he is: He didn't hurt me, and he never will."



"Tamara, what are you saying? You admit he's a vampire and still you defend him?"



She met his gaze without flinching. She would not be ashamed of her feelings for Eric. But she thought she'd given her guardian enough shocks for one evening. "I'm saying that you don't need to worry about me. No harm will ever come to me with Eric around." She put a hand on his arm and squeezed. "I want you to think about something, Daniel. For a long time you've assumed that because his kind is different, they are inherently evil. You've been wrong. You need to sit down and realize how bigoted that mind-set is."



He shook his head and got to his feet. His eyes on her seemed to hold an unvoiced accusation. "Haven't Curtis and I warned you about the mind control he might exercise over you? Haven't I begged you to tell me if he tried to see you again? Tamara, you cannot believe his lies! He would kill me if he had an opportunity, and you are just the one to give it to him! He's using you to get to me, Tamara. You'd have to be blind not to see that!"



She drew in a sharp breath at the fury in his voice, and in his face. It was as if she'd betrayed him. She'd never seen him so angry. "Daniel, you're wrong-"



She was interrupted by a mechanical beep coming from Daniel's belt. He pushed a button and it stopped instantly. "I have to go. Curtis-" He bit his lip.



"Curtis what?" Tamara felt a chill go up her spine. It had something to do with Eric, she was certain of it. Daniel had said Curtis was out searching the grounds, or something like that. Had he spotted Eric? What would they do to him if they caught him? Daniel didn't answer, but moved quickly through the heavy wooden door. As he did, she saw the guard posted outside it, and her heart raced all the faster. She couldn't get out to try to warn Eric that they were out for blood. My God, what if they got to him?



The door closed and she paced the room, battling the dizziness that tried to return sporadically. She shut her eyes and tried to call out to Eric as she'd done before, with her mind. Eric, if you 're out there, be careful! Daniel and Curt-



Her thoughts came to a halt as a chill breeze rushed over her body, and a familiar voice spoke softly. "Are presently being led a merry chase by Roland, all in order to clear them out of here." As her eyes flew open, he swung his legs over the windowsill, landing gracefully on the floor. He stood still for a moment, as if waiting for her permission to come any closer.



Tamara raced toward him and threw herself into his arms. "Eric!" His arms around her seemed hesitant, and then he pushed her from him and eased her back into the bed. His face, she now noted, was a study in misery. Lines were etched deep between his brows and on both sides of his mouth. His eyes were moist and searching. He dropped to one knee beside the bed, and his voice thickened with every word he uttered. "Sweet Tamara, I never meant. . . My God, I never meant to bring you to this. I swear it to you. If I'd known-but I should have known, shouldn't I? I should never have done what I did." He choked on the words and a single tear slipped slowly down his face.



Her heart wrenched as she reached out to touch it, absorbing it into her fingertips. "Don't think what you're thinking, Eric. Not even for a minute. This was an accident, nothing more." His gaze met hers, and she saw the doubt there. "Look into my mind, since you're so talented at that sort of thing. Better yet, look into my heart. How could you think I'd want to leave you?" She felt him doing just what she'd suggested, and as he probed her mind she explained what she'd done. "I knew I wouldn't close my eyes all night, and I had to go to work, or else Daniel would know something was wrong. I sipped the cognac, but it didn't help. A bit later I tried the sleeping pills that have been sitting in my cabinet for over a month. I'd taken them before without any ill effects at all. The problem was that I wasn't thinking clearly, and didn't stop to consider the consequences of mixing them with alcohol. That's all, Eric. I promise, that's all."



He gathered her into his arms and she felt the shuddering breath he released as it bathed her neck. "I thought you'd awakened to regret having given yourself to me. If ever you do, Tamara, you must tell me. I will not be the cause of your despair. I will leave you now, if you tell me to do so."



Her arms clenched tighter and she whispered, "No. Don't leave me, Eric. Don't. . ." Frowning with a sense of deja vu so strong it made her light-headed she pulled away from him. " My God, I've said that to you before. In a hospital bed just like this one. I begged you not to leave me. . . but you did."



He nodded, his eyes studying her carefully. "I honestly thought it best for you. I was wrong. I won't make that mistake again. If you ordered me to stay away from you, I'd never go so far as I did then. You'd have my protection. I'd watch over you, as I should have done before. St. Claire never would have got his hands on you if I'd been wiser then."



"Then it was when I had the accident. That was when I knew you? All these memories and familiarity stem from the time I was six years old?"



"Yes. It is coming back to you now. Soon the rest will, as well, and you will understand better."



She nodded, wishing she understood now. She wouldn't press him on it, though. He shouldn't be here. It wasn't safe. "Eric, I had to tell Daniel it wasn't you who attacked and bruised me, but I couldn't very well hide the marks on my throat." His eyes moved to that spot and she felt their heat. An answering warmth spread within her, but she forced herself to ignore it. "I told him that I went to you willingly, that you forced nothing on me. He still insists you have me under some kind of spell, though. Eric, he's furious. It isn't a good idea for you to be here."



His lips thinned, and he studied her for a long moment. "You love this man, and I've tried to restrain myself from speaking against him, for your sake, Tamara. Tonight I cannot. It is better to risk your anger than to allow you to continue in your blind trust of him. It is no more safe for you to remain than it is for me. Especially now that he knows of our intimacy."



She stroked his face lovingly. "Old habits die hard. He's so used to thinking the worst of you, he can't do otherwise, and I think you have the same problem. Daniel loves me, Eric."



He covered her hand with his own, closed his eyes and turned his face to press his lips to her palm. "It kills me to hurt you, Tamara. The traits I explained to you, the ones that make you different from other humans-"



"The Belladonna antigen and the common ancestor?"



He nodded. "St. Claire knew of them even then." She frowned at him, blinking. "He did? But why hasn't he ever told me?"



Eric held her hand in his own. "Tamara, there is a good possibility that he only took you in because he knew you were one of the Chosen. He knew of your connection to us, and he knew that as long as he had you, one of us might come near enough to be captured."



"Captured?" She searched his face, his mind, as he spoke, but she saw no sign that he was lying to her. "For. . . what?"



His lips parted, but closed again. He shook his head. "I am afraid for you," he told her. "Believe me that is my only motive for telling you these things."



She shook her head, blinking as hot tears pooled in her eyes. "I know you mean it, you believe all of this... but it's wrong. You're wrong. Daniel loves me like his own daughter." She lowered her gaze and shook her head. "He has to. He's the only family I've had for all these years. If all of that was a lie-no. You're wrong."



Eric sighed, but nodded. "I will not press the matter. But Tamara, he is not the only family you have any longer. You have me. No matter what else might happen, you always will. Do you believe me?"



She nodded in return, but her eyes didn't focus. She was searching her mind, realizing that Daniel must've known Eric had visited her in the hospital all those years ago. It was the only explanation for his overprotective behavior now.



Something niggled at her mind, and she squinted hard, trying to remember. "Eric, when I came around earlier, they were saying something about a. . . a tranquilizer. . . ." She heard their voices replay in her mind, and had the confirmation she'd dreaded. He'll come to her, just like before. And then Daniel. We'll be ready. Get the tranquilizer and meet me back here. Her stomach clenched.



"No tranquilizer known has any effect on vampires, Tamara."



She shook her head hard. "I got the feeling this was something new, something Curt's been working on." She met his gaze then, her fear for him overcoming her own lingering doubts. "I know I'm safe with them, Eric, but as things stand, you aren't. Please leave before they come back."



"I won't cower in fear of them-"



"But Roland might not be safe, either. If there is some kind of drug, and he lets them get too close. . ."



He frowned then, and nodded.



"I'll go, then-this time." Once again he pulled her upper body to him, and kissed her neck, then the hollow just below her ear, then the ear itself. "I find it unbearable to leave you, though."



She closed her eyes and let her head fall back to give his mouth better access. The sensations he sent through her body would overwhelm her common sense in a few seconds. Her fingers tangled in his hair, and her breath caught in her throat. His lips kissed a path to hers, and then he feasted on her mouth and her tongue as if it were to be his last meal. When he lifted himself from her she clung. She pressed wet lips to his ear. "I wish you could stay. I want you so much it hurts." She felt him tremble in response to her words and her touch.



"It is too soon-you've been through so much." Gently he pushed her until she lay amid the pillows. "I will leave you, but not to go far. If anyone tries to harm you, call to me. You know I will hear you."



"I know."



He left the way he'd come, and Tamara thought it felt as if he'd taken a pan of her with him.