A Great and Terrible Beauty

Blossoms rain down, melt into our hair like fat snowflakes. They make our hair shine. We sparkle.



Felicity twirls round and round, overcome by happiness. "It's real! It's all real!" She stops. "Do you smell that?"



"Yes," I say inhaling that comforting blend of childhood smells.



"Hot cross buns. We had them every Sunday. And sea air. I used to smell it on my fathers uniforms when he returned from a voyage. When he used to come home." Her eyes glisten with tears.



Pippa's puzzled. "No, you're wrong. It's lilac. Like the sprigs I kept in my room from our garden." The scent of rose water is strong in the air.



"What is it?" Pippa asks.



I catch a bit of song. One of my mother's lullabies. It's coming from a valley down below. I can just make out a silver arch and a path leading into a lush garden.



"Wait a minute, where are you going?" Pippa calls after me.



"I'll be right back," I say, picking up speed till I'm running toward Mother's voice. I'm through the arch and inside tall hedges broken by trees that remind me of open umbrellas. She's there in the center of it all in her blue dress, still and smiling. Waiting for me.



My voice breaks. "Mother?"



She holds out her arms, and I'm afraid I'll end up chasing after a dream again. But it really is her arms around me this time. I can smell the rose water on her skin.



Everything goes blurry with my tears. "Oh, Mother, it's you. It's really you."



"Yes, darling."



"Why did you run from me for so long?"



"I've been here all the time. You've been the one running."



I don't understand what she means, but it doesn't matter. There's so much I want to say. So much I want to ask. "Mother, I'm so sorry."



"Shhh," she says, smoothing my hair. "That's all past. Come. Take a walk with me."



She walks me down into a grotto, past a circle of tall crystals, delicate as glass. A deer scampers through. It stops to sniff at the berries cupped in my mother's palm. The deer nibbles them, turns its sloe brown eyes to me. Unimpressed, it threads slowly through high, plush grass and lies under a tree with a wide, gnarled base. I have so many questions fighting for attention inside me that I don't know what to ask first.



"What are the realms, exactly?" I ask. The grass feels so inviting that I lie on my side in it, cupping my head in my palm.



"A world between worlds. A place where all things are possible." Mother takes a seat. She blows a dandelion. A blizzard of white fluff spreads out on the breeze. "It's where the Order came to reflect, to hone their magic and themselves, to come through the fire and be made new. Everyone comes here from time to timein dreams, when ideas are born." She pauses. "In death."



My heart sinks. "But you're not" Dead. I can't bring myself to say it. "You're here."



"For now." "How do you know all of this?"



Mother turns away from me. She pets the deer's nose with long, steady strokes. "I didn't know anything at first. When you were five, a woman came to me. One of the Order. She told me everything. That you were specialthe promised girl who could restore the magic of these realms and bring the Order back to power." She stops.



"What is it?"



"She also told me that Circe would never stop looking for you, so that the power might be hers alone. I was afraid, Gemma. I wanted to protect you."



"Is that why you wouldn't bring me to London?"



"Yes."



Magic. The Order. Me, the promised girl. My head can't hold it all.



I swallow hard. "Mother, what happened that day, in the shop? What was that thing?"



"One of Circe's spies. Her tracker. Her assassin."



I can't look at her. I'm bending a blade of grass into an accordion of squares. "But why did you"



"Kill myself?" I look up to see her giving me that penetrating gaze. "To keep it from claiming me. If it had taken me alive, I would be lost, a dark thing too."



"What about Amar?"



Mother's mouth goes tight. "He was my guardian. He gave his life for me. There was nothing I could do to save him."



I shudder, thinking of what could have become of Kartik's brother.



"Let's not worry about that now, shall we?" Mother says, sweeping stray strands of hair from my face. "I'll tell you what I can. As for the rest, you'll have to seek out the others to rebuild the Order."