A Place Without You

“I don’t want to go back there.” I finish getting Snare ready for the ride.

“I’m sorry.” She steps back.

This is not a conversation I want to have today or ever. It’s not going to do anything but pound a wedge between us. And for what?

“There’s no reason to be sorry.” I walk Snare out of the barn.

“It felt like another world away. You know? I didn’t feel like Henna—your Henna.”

“It’s fine.”

“Would you at least look at me?”

I stop. Holding the reins with one hand while resting my other hand on my hip, I gaze at the ground. After a few moments of silence, I turn toward her. “What do you want me to say, Henna? How am I supposed to be honest without coming off as angry or mean? If I’m willing to let it go, why can’t you?”

“Honest as in you were jealous and angry? That’s what you mean, right?”

I shake my head, releasing a painful laugh. “I can’t win this game, Henna. There’s no way I come out of it as anything but the unreasonable asshole. So let’s let it go.”

“Now you’re talking like a guidance counselor.”

“I am a guidance counselor.”

“Not mine.” She plants her fists on her hips.

“Okay …” I say slowly. “Fine. I was jealous and angry. There. Are we good now?”

“Why?”

“Jesus …”

“Just tell me why?”

“Because I was.”

“That’s a terrible answer.” She pokes and pokes. “Was it because you loved me or because you were mad at me for leaving you?”

“BECAUSE I’M HUMAN!” Snare gets antsy. I pull on his reins to calm him down.

Henna jumps, tears rushing to fill her eyes.

“Yes, because I loved you. Yes, because I was mad at you for leaving even if more of me was so damn happy that you were getting that opportunity. And because monotony sucks, but those are the cards I dealt myself. And because my dad was—is—battling cancer. And because he was trying to kill himself. And …” Emotion burns my own eyes. “I’m human,” I whisper in complete defeat. “Love is not a rational emotion. It jumps out of planes and dives off cliffs. It leaves a permanent mark on everything it touches. I can do the right thing or I can love you, but I can’t do both.”

She blinks, letting go of her emotions. I watch them stream down her cheeks. The right thing would be to wipe them from her face, an unspoken apology for me being human.

I don’t.

Our love is forbidden and complicated. It’s hard and unforgiving. If we want it, we need to let it hurt sometimes.

I hold out my hand.

Henna doesn’t wipe her tears either, but she takes my hand and lets me help her onto Snare. I mount him behind her. We take off on a slow gait, disappearing into the trees, letting the silence between us soothe our wounds.

After an hour without a single word spoken, we return to the barn by the last blink of daylight. Snare stops. The reins drop, and I hug her to me. I feel like she’s mine—like she’s meant to be mine. But I don’t know why or how that even makes sense in the scope of events that have happened in my life. It’s just this whisper along my skin when I’m with her—don’t let go.

Henna leans her head into the crook of my neck. “I’m human too.”

My nose nuzzles her long hair until my lips find the back of her ear. “You’re my favorite human.” I kiss her warm skin for a long moment before dismounting Snare.

Henna shares a tender smile as I help her out of the saddle and into my arms. “Thanks for the ride.”

In spite of the disastrous afternoon with my sister, I can’t help but smile back before pressing my lips to her forehead. “Anytime.”

“We’d better check on your dad and Bella,” she says as I lead Snare to his stall and remove his riding gear. “I feel solely responsible for the impaired states they’re probably in right now.”

“You should.” I put everything in its place and take Henna’s hand, leading her back to the house. As we get to the front door, I push her up against the siding and kiss her like I can’t get enough because I really can’t.

“What was that for?” she asks, breathless and clenching my shirt to keep her balance.

“That’s for now. Right now when it’s just us and I get to pretend that you really are my whole world. In about thirty seconds…” I nod toward the door “…that’s going to change.”

“That’s how I always felt about third period. In your office, with the door shut, I always felt like we were in our own little world. Henna and Bodhi.”

I nod slowly. “Bodhi and Henna. I like them—quite a bit.”

She pushes at my chest. “Let’s go assess the damage.”

We make our way to the living room.

“You!” Bella points a finger at Henna from the corner of the sofa. “You got me a little high.” She sighs contently. “But at the moment. I’m okay with it. Shh …” She laughs a little. “Don’t tell my dad.”

Dad’s asleep in his recliner. No big surprise.

Henna bites back her grin as I take a seat at the opposite end of the sofa and pull her onto my lap.

“So you’re banging dad’s young friend. How kind of you.”

I frown and start to speak, but Henna beats me to it.

“I fell in love with your brother before we ever had sex.”

“Yeah?” Bella returns several exaggerated nods.

Yup, she’s high.

“Dad’s going to die.” Her downcast gaze mirrors her mouth. “I know we don’t want to believe it, but he’s going to die, and…” Bella leans her head back and closes her eyes “…maybe it’s his time. Ya know? We all have our time.”

“It’s not his time,” I murmur.

Henna rests her hand on my arm as my body tenses beneath her. Bella doesn’t say another word. Instead, her jaw relaxes with the rest of her body, and she joins Dad in dreamland.

“Where does she sleep?” Henna turns her head to glance back at me.

“She has a room upstairs.”

“You should carry her up the stairs.”

I nod, not moving an actual muscle to get up. There’s something so peaceful about being in the same room with my sister and my dad without anyone fighting. For a few minutes, I just want to enjoy it. “Thank you.”

Henna scoots around until she’s facing me, straddling my lap. “For what? Getting your sister high?”

“No. She’s okay with it because she’s still high. Tomorrow, I’ll encounter a totally different Bella. The thank you is for coming here when I told you not to. Thank you for dealing with my fears when I couldn’t do it. Thank you for being you. For being my dad’s friend. And …” Leaning forward, I press my lips to her neck, teasing her skin with my tongue. “Thank you for coming home to me.”

Her hands slide along my shoulders and up the back of my head to fist my hair. “Bodhi … you’re everywhere I want to be.”

I’ll take my sister to her room after I take Henna to mine and show every inch of her perfect body how incredibly thankful I am for her. She’s the second chance I don’t know if I deserve.

“Everywhere, huh?” I stand, hoisting her up with me.

She wraps her legs around my waist. “Everywhere,” she whispers over my lips. “Where are we going?”

I start up the stairs. “I feel like dealing with you.”

“Yeah?” She grins.

I nod, kicking open my half-closed bedroom door.

“Whoa …” Her eyes bulge in their sockets as I set her on her feet. She crawls up to the head of my bed and runs her fingers along all the postcards she sent me. “I sent you a lot of postcards.”

They cover most of the wall.

“There should have been more,” she whispers just before twisting her body to look at me over her shoulder.

I shrug off my shirt and unfasten my jeans. “Should have is the most unproductive phrase in the English language.” I let my jeans fall to my ankles and step out of them.

Henna’s lips part and her tongue makes a lazy stroke along her bottom one.

“But should by itself is filled with endless possibilities. Like … you should take off your clothes. You should let me touch you everywhere … because it’s where I want to be.” I flip off the light and shut my bedroom door. By the time I find her in the dark, she’s completely naked on my bed. “You’re so beautiful,” I whisper into her neck.

Her hands slide up my bare back. “You can’t even see me.”

“Baby, I don’t see your beauty with my eyes.” I slide her hand up, pressing it to my chest. And for a few long moments, we remain idle with nothing between us but my heart kissing every one of her fingertips.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

Henna

Bodhi was right. Bella didn’t appreciate the high once it wore off. Lucky for everyone, she got on a 10:30 a.m. flight back to Kentucky, and Bodhi went to work.

By mid-afternoon, I have my suitcases unpacked and all of my laundry done. As I set a new canvas on my easel, Juni calls. I answer and put her on speaker phone so I can keep working.