A Place Without You

“Hello?” I call, letting myself inside the house.

Etta comes down the stairs, holding her finger to her lips. “They’re both sleeping,” she whispers, padding her way to Barrett’s bedroom just off the living room. She eases his door shut and meets me back in the entry.

“Bodhi didn’t go work?” I ask in a hushed voice.

Etta shakes her head while frowning. “He took a personal day after yesterday.”

“Yesterday?”

Her forehead wrinkles. “He didn’t tell you?”

I shake my head.

The frown on her face deepens. “Barrett refused to eat or drink, so yesterday afternoon Bodhi took him to the ER. They gave him IV fluids and had someone talk to him. Like … a psychiatrist or something. They determined he was fine to go home given his condition.”

“What does that mean?”

“I guess it’s hard to get anyone to say that a terminally ill person is a danger to themselves. After all, they’re …”

I nod once. “Going to die.”

Emotion grows in Etta’s eyes as she returns a tiny nod of acknowledgment.

“I’m sorry.”

She gives me a sad smile. “We all are. It’s so hard to watch Bodhi and Barrett go through this. That boy just tortures himself with guilt. It’s so heartbreaking.”

“How is Barrett?”

“Gone.” She wipes a tear before it falls. “He has such a vacant look in his eyes. His voice carries this monotone defeat. He doesn’t want to live, and I don’t know how you convince someone to live when they’ve lost the will.”

I rest my hand on her arm and give it a gentle squeeze. “I don’t think he’s lost the will to live. I think his body has lost the will to live. There’s a difference. He’s just lost the will to suffer and watch his kids suffer with him.”

Etta nods. “You’re wise for such a young girl.”

Sharing a sad smile, I shrug. “I’m just prematurely experienced in matters like life and death.”

“Sorry to hear that.”

“It’s fine.” I nod toward the stairs. “I’m going to peek in on Bodhi.”

“Okay. I’ll put some stuff in the Crock-Pot for later.” Etta gives me a kind smile before heading to the kitchen.

Easing open Bodhi’s door at the top of the stairs, I pad toward his bed where he’s asleep on his side, shrouded in darkness from the drawn blinds. I don’t want to wake him, but my arms need to hold him. When he shuts me out like this, I feel like I did when he let me go over the phone half a world away.

I slip under his sheet and thick gray duvet, inching toward him as he breathes steadily with his arms slightly crossed on his black T-shirt clad chest. Before I let myself touch him, I watch him for a few minutes, wondering if he’s at peace when he sleeps or if his dad and his past haunt him.

The palm of my hand touches his cheek so softly. His groggy eyes blink partially open.

“Go back to sleep,” I whisper. “I just needed …” I bite my lips together to hide the wave of emotion crashing into my heart as he looks at me with such sadness in his grief-stricken eyes.

“Me,” he whispers back. “I hope to God you just needed me because I sure as fuck need you right now.”

“I always need you … in all ways.”

Bodhi palms my backside with his possessive hand, bringing my body flush to his before rolling on top of me, settling his tall frame between my legs. I drown in the exhaustion and frustration etched into his face … but it’s the need that wins over.

“All ways?” His gaze sweeps over my face, settling onto my mouth.

I nod once, feeling breathless, tingly, warm, and heavy with need.

Balancing on one hand, his other hand slides between us and down the front of my jeans in one quick motion that ends with two of his fingers buried inside of me. I gasp, my eyelids surrendering to the gravity of his touch.

“Do you need me like this?” Bodhi whispers over my lips as I arch my back.

“Yesss …”

He kisses me hard with his tongue, making demanding strokes just like his fingers inside of me.

I am his canvas.

His instrument.

His making and his undoing.

Bodhi paints me with his emotions, plays me with his body, takes what’s his, and gives me everything in return.

“Take me away,” he whispers in my ear before dragging his warm mouth down my neck, “without leaving this bed…” he slides his fingers out of me and peels my shirt off, followed by my bra “…take me to another world where it’s just … Bodhi … and … Henna …” He shrugs off his tee.

My gaze goes straight to the side of his torso where my name crawls along the sexy curves of his muscles. I can’t see well in this light, but I know it’s there, an idle promise that we will never be temporary.

Sitting up, I lift onto my knees so we’re facing each other. “Henna and Bodhi.” My fingers thread through his hair, bringing his head to mine so our lips are a breath from touching. “Forever.”

He unbuttons my jeans as I kiss his soft lips. “Forever,” he echoes.

*

Bodhi

I need to check on my dad, but I don’t want to let go of Henna’s naked body tangled with mine, so I indulge for a few more minutes on the floral aroma of her wild hair spread around my neck and the warmth of her cheek on my chest. Her fingers trace my ribs and abs. I love this girl with more love than I thought I had left in my heart. Henna takes everything that’s good in my life and multiplies it.

“I’m worried about you.” She turns her head just enough to press a kiss over my heart.

Stroking her hair, I take a deep breath and let it fall from my chest with a slow release. “It’s my dad you should be worried about. He’s not thinking straight. He’s reckless. And he’s lost all regard for his wellbeing. I don’t know how I’m supposed to finish the school year with him in this mental state. It’s not fair to ask Etta to be on suicide watch. She tends to his needs, but that involves turning her back on him. He needs constant supervision.”

“What if he’s just tired of…” she shifts her body to the side, head on her propped-up arm, blue eyes set on mine “…everything. The cancer. The chemo. This …” Trapping the corner of her lower lip between her teeth, her nose scrunches.

“Life?” I roll onto my side to mirror her.

She nods.

“I know he thinks that right now. He’s thought it before. It will pass. It always passes. In the meantime, can you do me a huge favor?”

“What?”

I curl her hair behind her ear and brush my knuckles along her cheek. “Can you be here as often as possible with him? Bring him cookies, smoke joints all day, hell … I don’t care. Just be here so he has something to look forward to, and so he has less time alone to do something stupid. He likes you. And I need to finish the school year, then I can be here for him.”

“Bodhi, he’s very sick. You get that right? He’s weaker than I’ve ever seen him. His disposition has changed so much since before I left. I can’t give him the will to live no matter how many cookies I bake for him or how many joints we share on the porch. Your dad is …” She rolls onto her back and covers her eyes with her arm, but I don’t miss the quiver of her lips or the tear that slides down her cheek.

“Baby.” I pull her to me and she buries her face into my neck as her body shakes with silent sobs. I know my father is dying, but I’m not ready to say goodbye. There are a million unspoken words between us that I have to say before he’s gone. I just haven’t been able to say them yet, and if he dies before I get the nerve to tell him what’s in my heart, it will destroy me.

“Can you just give me a couple more weeks until school is out?” I kiss the top of her head, and she slides her arms around my torso.

She nods.

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

Henna

“You’re the babysitter?” Barrett stares at the joint I offer him.

“Yes. Bodhi asked me to get high with you while he’s at school. He’s killing my sobriety.” I ease into the chair on the porch next to Barrett’s wheelchair and pull a sketch pad and pencils out of my bag. “How cool is that?”

“He’s worried I’m going to kill myself.”

Sharpening my pencil, I glance up at him with a gonna-give-it-to-you straight grin. “Yep.”

“So you keep me in line until he’s out of school. Then he forces me into more treatment. God … that boy is delusional.”

I shrug, working my pencil in short feathering strokes over the top of the paper. “Maybe he loves you. Let’s go with that possibility.”

“He was good, ya know. At the drums.” A tiny smile steals his lips. I like where this is going. “His band didn’t exactly play the kind of music that I enjoyed, but I wasn’t blind. That kid had talent. Dumb as a box of rocks, though. Every one of them. They were on the cusp of becoming something really big and they knew it. That’s why they were celebrating all the damn time. Booze. Drugs. Girls. Just … stupid.”