All I Ever Wanted

Tiptoeing across the room, I could feel my heart clattering. The thing in my bathroom was probably a bat or a bird, but…what if it was a serial killer? Or a terrorist? Don’t forget vampire, Michelle suggested.

Lucky for me, the bathroom door’s latch was still broken. The door was closed, but I could kick it open the way they did on Law & Order: Criminal Intent and thus surprise my intruder. Oar in one hand, phone in the other, I took a deep breath, then kicked the door open as hard as I could.

A na**d man leaned against my shower, dripping wet, his back to me.

“Aaah!” I screamed—the door hit the wall and closed again, and I leaped backward, away, the oar clattering to the floor. Bowie bolted to his feet, barking hysterically, rushing instantly to my side. A shriek—someone else’s—split the air, and I gave an answering scream. Holy shit, who was in there? What was in there?

“Nine-one-one operator, what’s your emergency?” came a voice. Thank God, I’d hit the last 1, bless my smart thumb. “Naked man! Naked man!” someone yelled—oh, it was me! Hide the phone! my brain instructed, so I hurled my cell across the room and vaulted across the bed, Bowie rocketing after me, baying in high-pitched panic, as I scrambled away from the na**d intruder. Grabbing a pillow, I clutched it in front of me, my back against the wall.

The bathroom door opened again, and I screamed, long and loud.

“Christly, Callie, shut up!”

My scream choked off mid-screech.

My grandfather. Wrapped in a towel. It was Noah. Noah! The na**d man had been leaning because he only had one leg. I threw the pillow to the floor.

“Jesus God in heaven, Noah, what the hell were you thinking?” I yelled, my entire body shaking wildly. Bowie barked, backing me up. “I thought you were a serial killer! You scared the life out of me!”

“Did I?” Noah snapped. “You’re kiddin’ me. And what if I was a killer, huh? Your pillow gonna save your life, dumb-ass?”

“You… I—” My heart still thundered away, so hard my head buzzed. “What the hell are you doing in my bathroom, anyway?” I asked.

“What the hell are you doing home so early?” he countered.

“I left work a little…wait a minute, wait a minute,” I said. “Who else was screaming? It wasn’t just me, was it?”

“None of your business,” Noah answered, but his cheeks reddened.

“Is someone else in there?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.

At that moment, Jody Bingham appeared from the bathroom, damp and…okay…wearing my bathrobe. “Hi, Callie,” she said calmly. “Sorry we scared you.”

In the distance, I heard the sound of sirens. “Well, I’m sorry I called 911,” I said.

WHEN THE POLICE, THE EMTs and the volunteer fire department (half of whom were River Rats) had listened to my story four or five times, wept tears of mirth and ascertained that my grandfather was not a threat to my safety, they finally trooped out.

“Always great to see you, Noah,” Robbie Neal, president of the River Rats, said, shaking my grandfather’s hand.

“Get outta here, Mister Man,” Noah grumbled.

Robbie winked at me. “Sorry for your troubles, Callie,” he said.

“Not as sorry as I am,” I returned. He closed the door behind him, already pulling out his phone to share the love.

“Noah, Jody, once again, I’m wicked sorry,” I said. “But maybe you’ve learned an important lesson about not using other people’s bathrooms, huh?” I stirred the soup I’d whipped up during my little police interrogation. Jody and Noah sat at the kitchen table, looking rightfully sheepish.

“We weren’t doing anything too…” Jody paused. “Nothing that improper, Callie,” she assured me. “Your grandfather’s leg hurt, I suggested he take a little Jacuzzi, and the tub’s in your bathroom.”

“Uh-huh. So, Noah, the next time your truck’s in the shop and you feel like getting a booty call, maybe you could leave a note?”

“What’s a booty call?” he asked.

“What do you think?” I muttered, still a little ticked off. One does not often see one’s grandfather na**d in one’s bathroom, after all. And thank the merciful Christ for that.

“A booty call is when you visit someone for sex,” Jody said matter-of-factly. “Callie’s teaching us hip-hop. It’s very enlightening.”

“So,” I said, bringing the pot of soup to the table and going back for a pack of Ritz crackers and some cream cheese, “how long have you two been…getting it on?”

“Oh, we’re not really getting it on,” Jody said fondly. “Just two kindred spirits, right, Noah?”

“Let’s not get hysterical,” he muttered, but his cheeks were pink, and when Jody reached across the table to hold his hand, he didn’t pull away.

At that moment, the back door opened, and in poured the entire rest of my family—the parents, the siblings, the nieces.

“We just got a call from Robbie Neal,” my father said, his forehead wrinkled with concern. “He said there was a break-in involving a…a pervert, honey?” Dad came right over to me and gripped my upper arms.

“There was,” I confirmed. “And it was terrifying.”

Once again, I told the story of Naked Grampy, which was sure to become a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie.

“That is so nasty,” Bronte said, her face a little gray.

Freddie was rocking back and forth, wheezing, Hester wiped tears from her eyes, Josephine played with a one-armed Barbie. And my parents sat next to each other on the bench.

There was enough soup for everyone, and I whipped up a little peach crumble while we were all talking, and despite the fact that work sucked and I’d almost had my grandfather arrested for a sex crime, it turned out to be the nicest family meal we’d had in a long, long time.

Maybe ever.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

THREE DAYS LATER, realizing I’d crushed any fledgling romance between Ian and me, I was fighting the blues. I wanted to call him, but kept losing my nerve. I thought about posting a question on his Web site… Dr. McFarland, if a guy kisses you and then, through no fault of your own, you run into an old boyfriend, how do you get things back on track?

But all the dating manuals and Web sites warned fiercely against such an act. According to Slicing the Carotid: Fatal Mistakes Women Make in Relationships as well as Why the Man You Love Hates You, the very last thing I should do was pursue.Men are genetically predisposed to be the hunter/gatherers, one book said. Think of yourself as the woolly mammoth. Let the hunt come to you. I wasn’t sure about that advice, knowing just what happened to the woolly mammoths, but I got it. Besides, Ian had my home, office and cell numbers, my e-mail, my Facebook page and my street address. He was ignoring them all.

In other news, eCommitment showed that I’d had some interest from a fifty-three-year-old lumberjack with two ex-wives, seven children and nine dogs. Clearly, I’d run through all the available men in northeastern Vermont. Human Hair was looking better and better.

On Tuesday, Annie and I met for lunch at Toasted & Roasted, which was mobbed with senior citizen leaf peepers, and it was only because I’d danced with Gus at our eighth-grade mixer that we got a table. After hearing about my godson’s triumphs in the classroom, athletic field and dentist’s office, I brought my friend up to speed on my lack of a love life. “Are you sure I shouldn’t call him?” I asked, toying with my soup.

“Give him some space.” She took a bite of her French dip sandwich and chewed wisely.

“I hate space,” I muttered. “I’m much better at smothering, pestering and stalking. Space sucks.”

“Trust me,” she said, smiling. “I know everything.”

By Thursday, I decided that Annie in fact knew nothing and stalking was indeed the way to go. Hence, I decided to take my kayak for a little spin that evening on Granite Lake. Wasn’t like I’d never kayaked here before, was it? Sure, Ian’s dock was on the far side of this same lake, but that was hardly my fault. I’d been kayaking here long before any vet moved in.

I unloaded the boat, got my paddle from Lancelot’s hatch and clicked on my life vest. “In you go, Bowie,” I said. My dog leaped neatly into the front seat of the kayak, pleased as punch.

Twenty minutes later, I sighted Ian’s dock. He wasn’t there, and his house was too far to see from the water. Too bad. I’d rather hoped he’d be sitting out here, mooning after me. I bobbed there a moment, the waves slapping the side of the kayak. Then, with a gusty sigh, I turned my trusty vessel around and headed back. But the fresh air and exercise soothed my soul a little nonetheless; it was hard to be blue with Bowie, who sat in quivering attendance upfront, his head turning sharply whenever he sensed a fish or a turtle or an amoeba.

Vermont was at its most beautiful this week, the height of leaf season, the foliage so pure and brilliant it was almost a physical sensation. The early October evening was soft, the setting sun cutting in golden shards through the gray clouds. In just a few weeks, all this would be gone, just an achingly beautiful memory ’til next year, and the long, white winter would be upon us.

Another kayak came cutting across the lake. A couple about my own age paddled vigorously, their cheeks glowing with the cool air and exercise. “Beautiful night, isn’t it?” I called.

“It sure is!” the man answered. “Guess what? We’re getting married! She just said yes!” The woman flapped her left hand, ostensibly to show me her ring.

“Oh, mazel tov!” I called merrily, though a quick vision of them capsizing flashed satisfyingly across my brain. They waved, in love with life, and continued on their happy way.

“Want to be my boyfriend, Bowie?” I asked, huffing away. He did, of course. He twisted neatly out of his seat and took a step or two to lick my face. “See? You’re very attuned to my moods. You don’t snore. You’re quite attractive. Okay, that’s probably enough, boy. You’re a dog, after all, and this sounds perverted. Go sit down.”

Bowie returned to his seat and continued his search for minnows. As the twilight thickened, I made it back to shore. Bowie jumped out and watched as I hauled the kayak onto the roof of my car and took off my life vest. With one more look across the lake, I opened the car door. “Come on, boy,” I said, then buckled him into his doggy seat belt and kissed his furry head.

My melancholy returned as I started Lancelot and trundled down the dirt road away from Granite Lake. Work wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t the same. Last night, I’d scouted out Craigslist, but there’d been nothing, just a sales position for a dying newspaper in New Hamster. I’d be kind of dumb to quit in this economy, give up all those nice perks and bennies. “Maybe I’ll go into the family business,” I told Bowie. “Not that I want to be around dead people all day, but I would have job security.”

Suddenly, a huge wild turkey came running out of the woods to my right. The thing was enormous, and it was sprinting as if being chased, its wings flapping, clearly preparing for takeoff. And on a collision course with my car! “Watch out!” I called, slamming on the brakes. I flung my arm protectively in front of Bowie, who barked in surprise, and we jerked to a stop, our seat belts locking.

“Oh, shit,” I whispered. There’d been a thud. I was almost sure of it. Heart pounding sickly, I got out of the car, my hands over my mouth, prepared to see turkey carnage.

There it was, lying on the side of the dirt road. One wing flapped weakly, then stopped.

“No!” I cried. “Oh, no, I’m so sorry!” I wrung my hands as I approached. The turkey didn’t move again. I couldn’t tell if it was breathing. “Please don’t be dead,” I squeaked.

Sobs jerking out of my chest, I went to the back of my car and opened the hatch. Stupid Lancelot! Why did I buy a Prius? If only it made some noise, the poor bird would’ve been warned. “Please don’t be dead,” I repeated.

I grabbed the tarp I always kept in the car for my dripping paddles. Bowie whined in inquiry. “We hit it,” I said wetly, then returned to the turkey.

It was horribly still. Like all turkeys, it was an ugly brute…a tom, a male. In the fading light, its feathers looked dull and black, the bald, rough-skinned head in shades of red and chalky blue. The bird’s legs were long and strong, with spurs on the back for defense. Not that it did much good against my car.

My hands shaking with fear and adrenaline, I lay down the tarp next to the bird, then got the paddle from my car. Closing my eyes with the horror of the job, I used the paddle to gently push the huge bird onto the plastic, gagging at the flopping sound its body made. “I’m so sorry, so so sorry,” I wept, then gathered up the ends of the plastic, making a sling so I wouldn’t actually have to touch the bird. Half dragging it—it was heavier than I expected, maybe twenty pounds—half swinging it, I got it over to the trunk, still crying, then sort of swung it inside. One talon stuck out from the tarp, making me cringe. Poor, innocent thing. “Please don’t be dead,” I said, tears sluicing down my cheeks. Then I closed the hatch, ran to the driver’s seat, threw the car into Drive and floored it, my tires slipping on the rough road.

In all my life, I’d never hit an animal before. Not even a squirrel. Not even a chipmunk! It was quite a feat, living up here in the boonies, and something I’d always been proud of. I could hear myself crying, a long, low whimper that caused my dog to howl softly as well. “Don’t be dead, don’t be dead,” I chanted, ignoring Bowie, who tried to twist around to get a better sniff at our quiet passenger. We came onto pavement, and I pressed the accelerator harder, the trees whipping past in a blur of color. Bitter Creek Road, a hard left. “Don’t be dead, don’t be dead.”