All I Want

I’m prepared for it. I fucking know I’ll get hard the minute she lashes out, but what I’m not prepared for is her reaction to it.

I’d say she has bigger balls than me if I didn’t know every fucking detail of what she has between her legs.

She didn’t palm my dick and ask whom I was hard for. She demanded I tell her. And the combination of the ultimatum that had flashed in her eyes the moment that question slipped from her lips, and the feel of her hand against me was too much. She’d grabbed my cock like she fucking owned it, silently daring me to say she didn’t, and suddenly, I’d been the one at my breaking point.

It’s possible to hate someone, to look at them and wish you weren’t aware of their every move, and to want them more than you’ve ever wanted anything in your life.

I hadn’t cared that we were in her parents’ house.

I hadn’t cared that I was about to fuck up any and all progress I’d made on getting this chick out of my system.

Her hand had been on my dick, and there was no way in hell I wasn’t touching her.

And fuck, the feel of her coating my fingers as I slid through the hottest pussy I’ve ever had, has me close to coming from a fucking hand-job in a matter of seconds. That, and the fact that no one has squeezed my dick like that since Tessa. No one. I’ve had mouths on me that don’t come anywhere close to her grip.

That’s a problem. And it’s making getting off on the feel of anyone else near impossible.

But in that moment, with my fingers deep inside her, I didn’t care about anyone else. She was right there, pulsing against me, so fucking close I could feel her heartbeat between her legs. She told me to stop but I didn’t listen. I couldn’t. I hated her but I needed this.

Just give me this; the part of you I never doubted.

But she didn’t.

And then it was my hand around my cock as she left me on the edge with remorse and hurt in her eyes.

At me.

At herself.

I started choking on my own emotions as the situation sank in. As I realized how completely pathetic I was for letting this chick get to me. Again. And I’d needed to get the hell out of there. Away from her. Putting distance between us is the only thing that ever helps. And it doesn’t even help that much.

Because even though I’ve gone mostly all twelve months we’ve been apart without seeing her, I still think about her constantly.

Like right now.

It’s been four days since the baby shower—enough time to get most chicks out of my system, but not this one. I’ve been staring at the same spot on the floor as Ben and CJ, another cop in our precinct, talk about an arrest Ben and I made yesterday. I could contribute. I was there, for fuck’s sake, but I’m too busy picturing the look on Tessa’s face when she shoved me away from her on Saturday.

As if my touch repulsed her.

As if her own actions disgusted her.

“Luke.”

I look up, seeing two pairs of eyes on me as I run my thumb over the coin in my hand. I focus on CJ, whose voice broke me out of my head. “Yeah?”

He stands from his perch on the edge of the desk, reaching around and pulling out his wallet. “You want anything from Chap’s?”

“No, man. I’m good.”

He acknowledges me with a nod, thumbing through the cash in his wallet. “Spot me a twenty, Kelly. I’m good for it.”

Ben laughs from the chair behind his desk. “You’re good for shit. You still owe me from the poker game three weeks ago.”

CJ’s eyes lose focus as he tucks his wallet away. “Fuck. I forgot about that.”

“That’s funny. I’ve only been reminding you every other day,” Ben says, the sarcasm coating his words. He leans back, smiling. “Just have it for me by Friday morning. I’m taking off early to get on the road with Mia.”

“Yeah, all right. I’ll see you guys.”

“Later,” Ben responds, before his keyboard clicks with his typing. I’ve zoned out again, but this time it doesn’t go unnoticed. “You all right over there?”

I turn the coin over a few more times before glancing up at him. I slip it into my front pocket and tuck my hands behind my head, leaning back in my chair. “How’s Mia feeling about the trip this weekend?”

I see his reaction to the question I’ve dodged, but he doesn’t pry. He scratches the back of his head, keeping his other hand on the keyboard. “She’s anxious, I can tell. But she really wants to spend the anniversary of her mom’s death in Fulton. She’s got all this stuff she wants to do with Nolan that the two of them used to do. I just…” He blinks heavily, bringing both hands to his lap as he leans back. “I don’t want this to be too hard on her. With the baby coming soon, she doesn’t need to be upset or stressed out. And I hate seeing her sad. It fucking kills me.”

I see the depth of his feelings for Mia every time he talks about her. Or looks at her. It’s been like that since last summer, when she showed up and completely knocked him on his ass. No other girl has done that to Ben. Not since I’ve known him, anyway. I know if something happened to her, to Nolan, it would kill him. He wouldn’t come back from it.

“Mia’s tough,” I say, seeing Ben lift his eyes to me. “She’s probably a lot tougher than you give her credit for.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” He scratches his head before leaning forward and typing on his keyboard again. “Does it get easier?”