All I Want

“No worries. Want another beer?”

I shake my head as I scroll back to the first message I ignored.

Luke: He’ll never see that part of you, Tessa.

I’m immediately confused, until I read his previous texts about how beautiful I am when I come. I guess now he’s deciding what guys I’ll sleep with. How sweet. I go to scroll to the next message, but my unwanted impatience nearly causes me to drop my phone.

“Shit.”

“Sorry?” Mason asks.

“Nothing, be right with you.” My eyes narrow in on the block letters.

Luke: He’ll never see that you’re just as desperate for him as he is for you.

I try to swallow, but I can’t. Instead, I let my mouth hang open as I read the first real confession Luke’s ever given me that pertains to his feelings. I read it again, then once more, as the words become almost illegible through the tears filling my eyes. I have one more message to read, and I can’t get to it fast enough.

Luke: Read this next line slowly, so it sinks in. It was never just about sex. Go back and read it again. Again, Tessa. Do it.

A laugh bubbles up in my throat as I re-read that line three times before I continue with the rest of the text.

Just in case you’re being stubborn, because you are stubborn, I’ll type it out again. It was never just about sex. Not even the other night when you kept me out. I wanted to be with you because it’s the only time I see how much you need me. And I don’t feel completely alone anymore.

My breath hitches as my hand covers my mouth, holding in the sob that’s begging to escape.

“Tessa?”

I hop off my stool, practically falling into Mason as I slam my phone on the bar next to my clutch. “I’m sorry. I need a minute.” The words come out like a desperate plea before I turn and push through the crowd of people in the direction of the bathrooms. I know the layout of McGill’s well; I know the long hallway that leads to the restrooms and the privacy it holds. I also know that I don’t need to look in Luke’s direction to signal him to follow me. I know he’ll follow me, and it’s confirmed when a hand grabs my elbow, halting me halfway to my destination.

“Hey.”

That little word is the only thing I allow him to say before I open my mouth.

“You asshole! You can’t send me texts like that. It’s too late! You’re too fucking late, Luke.” My hands shove against his broad chest, hard enough my elbows strain not to bend. He could fight against me easily if he wanted to, but the only resistance I meet is the wall behind him that’s unwilling to give.

I ignore the way my hands mold to his body. How my fingers reflexively seek anchor in the defined ridges of his muscles. It’s my body’s natural response to his. To grab a hold of any part of him I can.

I take in a constricted breath, my lungs burning as the air fills them. “You’re desperate for me? You need me? Where the hell was all this when I needed to hear it? Huh? When I begged you…”A sob breaks apart my voice, followed by more tears.

I push and push, wanting some sort of fight from him. Words, a hand holding me back, something—anything. I don’t want this to be easy. We have never been easy. I need a reaction from him and at this point, I don’t care what all I tell him.

How can this hurt any more than it already does?

“How did I fall in love with you?” I blink, sending the tears down my face. His lips part as a rushed breath escapes him, and for the first time since I pushed him up against this wall, he leans into me, causing my elbows to collapse under the pressure. I keep the distance between us with one hand flat against his chest, and he waits for more, studying my mouth as if he’ll be able to read the words I’m about to say.

“I wanted so much more than you ever gave me. I cried over you, every time you kept me out, but I still loved you. When you broke my heart… again and again, I loved you. A year ago… and yesterday, I loved you.”

“Do you love me today?” he asks, and I suddenly realize how close we are now. I don’t know when his hand formed to my hip, or his other to my cheek, but I’m too shattered to protest it.

I close my eyes with a heavy swallow. “In any universe, any version of you I could get, I would find you, and I would love you.” He moves in, his lips sealing against mine with the gentlest of kisses. “But I can’t love you today.”

At the feel of him leaning back, my eyes flash open, meeting the wounded look in his.

“Tessa.”

“No.” His hands drop away as I slide out of his grip. “I won’t, Luke. Not today.”

I leave him standing in the hallway, forcing my feet to move to get me out of there. I can’t see him like that, exactly how I’ve always felt when he’s pulled away from me—heartbroken and destroyed. It’s his turn to feel it now. Not just me.

The bar noise hits me as the room opens up, and I spot Mason bending over to take his shot at the pool table. Mia frowns as I step up to join the group, and I give her a weak smile, hoping to hide my misery.

“Hey, everything all right?” Mason asks, leaning his pool cue against the table. He looks over my shoulder, and I watch his eyes move with someone, following them.

I look to my right and catch the back of Luke as he exits the bar.

“Do you want to get out of here?” Mason’s voice brings my attention back to him, and I tilt my head up, expecting to see the look that’s normally paired with that line. I’ve heard variations of it, hell, I’ve used it myself, but I don’t get that shameless lust that’s usually burning behind the eyes of the person who’s delivered it. Mason only looks at me with kindness, the way a concerned friend comforts you when you’re too far gone to ask for help.