I walk down the hallway, spotting my neglected tea on the nightstand by the bed. I carry the mug out into the kitchen and pour the contents down the drain, hating myself for missing that last second with him. I decide right then as the sink clears, his sweet gesture disappearing as if it didn’t happen, that I’m done pushing Luke for more. It’s moments like the one he gave me last night that matter; when we’re just together. Just us. Not the shit he’s trying to deal with on his own.
I love him. That’s enough. That will always be enough.
It’s daunting how easy that decision comes to me, like it’s been on reserve all this time. It feels right, and good. The way love should feel.
Everyone has something they’re afraid of. I never thought men like Luke, or my brother, men who risk their lives for others, who make it their job to protect people they don’t even know, would be afraid of anything. Luke said I made him feel things he never wanted to feel. Maybe that’s what he’s afraid of. If he lets himself love me, if he gives me every part of him, leaving himself vulnerable and I can’t take it, he could lose someone else.
Me.
I won’t let that happen. He’ll never be alone again.
I shower and get dressed as quickly as possible, not even bothering to put on any makeup. After downing my coffee, I grab my keys and purse off the table. My phone has half its battery life still, even though I didn’t charge it last night, and as I’m walking out the door, I notice the last call I received.
Mason.
After securing the fifth lock on the door, I stare down at the phone in my hand, thinking back to last night. I didn’t talk to Mason after he dropped me off. I may not remember Luke bringing me my tea, but I’d remember having a two-minute-and-forty-seven-second conversation on the phone.
Did Luke talk to him? Is that why he left? Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Does he think Mason and I are together?
Well, you did go on a fucking date with him, dumbass.
“Ugh!” I yell out, looking up at the sky as I press the heel of my hand against my forehead. I rush down the stairs to the ground floor, practically sprinting to my car. My thumb glides along the screen of my phone as my other hand inserts the keys into the ignition.
His voicemail picks up, and I decide against leaving a message. This should be said in person, and if he’s at the precinct, I’ll be able to tell him everything face to face. If he’s on patrol, I might be shit out of luck until tonight.
My phone rings in my hand as I inch out of my parking space, startling me. I slam my foot on the brake and watch Mia’s name flash across the screen.
“Hey,” I answer, easing on the gas and pulling out of the parking lot.
She sniffs into the phone. “Oh, God. Are you okay? You sound okay. Are you in shock right now? Do you need me to come over?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I ask, switching to speaker-phone so I can concentrate on the road in front of me. “Are you in the middle of some pregnancy hormone overload or something?”
I hear commotion in the background, recognizing Nolan’s voice. “Nolan, not right now. In a minute, baby.” A door closes, followed by a few more sniffles from Mia. “God, sweetie, I can be over there in five minutes if you need me to. Your mom might be able to watch Nolan for me today and we can just hang out. I’m sure she won’t mind.”
I’m thoroughly confused, glancing down at the phone in my cup holder with what I’m certain is my most baffled expression. “You’ve lost me, Mia. Am I supposed to be upset about something?”
“How are you so strong right now? I’ve been crying all morning, just thinking about what this is probably doing to you. I know you love him, Tessa. Everybody does. Why are you okay with this?”
The strangest feeling washes over me, stealing my breath, and I wrap my hands around the wheel until my palms ache. “Mia?” I whisper, hearing the sheer terror coat my throat, thickening my voice until I’m practically choking on that single word.
“Oh, God,” she pleads, gasping through the phone. “You don’t know, do you?”
Several things happen at once as I concentrate on continuing to breathe. Mia’s voice becomes distant, unrecognizable, as I let the car come to a complete stop in the middle of the road. Drivers blare their horns as they speed by me, but I’m numb, too numb to care, or move, or do anything besides listen to my lungs struggle for air. A quick gasp, followed by another. Not enough air. Another breath in, deeper this time, but still not enough. White spots blur my vision, and the sweat beads up on my body, pooling between my breasts. Mia’s words circle over and over again, in my head.
He said he did it for you. He doesn’t want to hurt you anymore.
My nails claw at the material of my shirt, then up around my neck, gripping, digging into my skin. I gag on a breath and my stomach rolls, lurching me forward against the wheel. I barely get the door open before the bile rises in my throat, burning my esophagus like acid on concrete.
Vomit splatters on the asphalt as I hold onto the door, using all the strength I have left in me to keep myself in the car. My body shakes with another violent spasm, ejecting the contents of my stomach. I wipe the back of my hand along my mouth when I think it’s over, settling back into my seat and pulling the door closed.
The loss sinks in, settling deep inside my soul. Rooting itself there like a splinter.
Luke left me. He left. How could he…
No. I refuse to accept this. This isn’t how today was supposed to play out. This isn’t how my life is supposed to go. He’s mine, and I’m his, and it’s enough. What he can give me is enough. This shit isn’t over. It’ll never be over.