All I Want

“Tessa? Tessa, are you there?”

I look down at the phone, hearing Mia’s voice as clear as if she were sitting right here next to me.

The driver behind me lays on his horn, his voice getting drowned out by the blaring noise. As soon as I hear him yell the word “bitch” in between two long beeps, I react.

I roll my window down, stick my head out, and glare back in his direction. “Hey, douchebag! Pull the dildo out of your ass, and go the fuck around me!”

“Move your car!”

“Suck my dick!”

“What is going on?” Mia asks through the phone I’ve neglected.

I flip the limp-dick off as he pulls around me, making sure everyone on this Goddamned street sees it, in case anyone else wants to ask me so politely to move before I’m ready.

“Tessa?”

“Nothing,” I choke out, a whimper catching in my throat. I grab a day-old water bottle off the floor behind the passenger seat and take a swig, spitting it out my window after washing my mouth.

“Do you need me to come get you? Or meet you somewhere?”

I step my foot onto the gas pedal and continue moving in the original direction I was headed. “No. Is Ben at the precinct? I need to find out where Luke is.”

“Yeah, last time I checked.”

“All right. I gotta go.”

“Tessa, wait,” Mia pleads, her voice wavering a bit. “I don’t think he wants you to find him.”

I grip the wheel harder, digging my teeth into my lip until I taste blood.

“I’m sorry,” she says softly. “I’m so sorry.”

I disconnect the call before she can hear my sobs.

***

Speeding into the parking lot of the police precinct probably isn’t the best idea I’ve ever had, but right now, a ticket is the last thing on my mind.

I spot Ben immediately, standing at his patrol car near the far end of the lot.

“Where is he?” I ask, throwing the door open before the car comes to a complete stop. Ben looks up, turning his body toward me, and takes a few steps in my direction with wide eyes. I slam the door shut, blinking the tears out of my eyes before I move to get to my brother.

“Where. Is. He?” I repeat.

Ben shakes his head, looking at me with concern. There’s a deep crease in his forehead, and he has heavy, worry-filled eyes. “He’s gone, Tessa. He took another job.”

I jab a finger into the center of his chest. “I know that. What I’m asking you is where the fuck did he go?” Looking up into Ben’s eyes, I see the sadness there hidden behind his tough exterior, as he wraps his big hand around my wrist, holding me ever so gently.

He shakes his head, and his lips part slightly to speak, but he doesn’t give me any words.

“You’re going to tell me where he is, right now. Right fucking now, Ben!”

“No, I’m not.”

His defiance knocks the wind out of me.

He knows. He knows, and he isn’t going to tell me? How could he keep this from me?

I resort to begging. I’ll do anything at this point.

“Ben,” I faintly whisper, as my heart struggles to keep beating. “Please. Please just tell me where he is. I can’t… I love him. Please.” I cry harder, fisting his shirt. “Please.”

His eyes fall into a heavy blink, but the accustomed shake of his head comes again before the grayest eyes I’ve ever seen regard me. “He’s gone. I’m sorry, Tessa. I know this hurts, but he doesn’t want you to come after him.”

I no longer have any strength left in me to keep my head raised, so I drop it against his chest with a heavy thud. His arms wrap around me in an embrace, but I don’t feel the comfort he’s trying to give me.

I don’t feel anything.

The tears roll down my cheeks, wetting my neck, a continual stream of agony leaving my body.

“I’ll wait for him,” I say to myself, to Ben, to Luke, if there’s some chance he can hear me. I press the side of my face against Ben’s uniform. “You said you’d wait for Mia. You said you’d still be waiting. I can do that. I can wait. He’ll come back. He has to come back.”

Warm breath blows across the top of my head. “I will always wait for her, but I would’ve never left Mia. Never.” His hands hold my face as he guides my head up to look at him.

I don’t want to. I fight it, trying to keep my eyes clamped shut, to block out the words I know he’s about to say.

This is going to kill me. I love him, and it’s going to kill me.

“Tessa.”

I shake my head against Ben’s hands, trying to break free, but the second I glance up at him, he takes the opportunity he’s given, and tells me what I’m dreading to hear.

“You need to let him go. Let him go.”

I cover my face with my hands as I silently reply.

I can’t.

***

There isn’t much resemblance. The sharp angle in his jaw, maybe, and his size. He’s definitely built like Luke, but he might have a bit more muscle, and he appears taller, even in the hospital bed.

His arms are covered in ink, but his tattoos aren’t as beautiful as the ones I’ve studied. The ones I can picture when I close my eyes.

“If you’re looking for Luke, he ain’t here, darlin’.”

My eyes flash open, connecting with the pair staring back at me, amber, almost golden in color.

Just like Luke’s.