She slumped, her bottom lip sticking out. “No, that’s it, I think. I want to either get together for real again or nothing. I can’t do the benefits stuff any more. I thought I could, but I can’t. It’s eating me up inside.” Her hand grabbed her shirt where her heart was and formed a fist.
I felt a pang in my chest. “I’m sorry, Avery.”
“It’s my fault. I was stupid and thought I could handle it. I can’t. I’m realizing that now.” She eyed me intently. “Are you and Caden FWB too?”
“FWB?”
“Friends with benefits?”
My eyes went wide. “No. No!” I couldn’t shake my head enough to emphasize that point. “We’re just friends. You know, the whole p-l-a-t don’t know why I’m spelling it. Platonic friends. That’s me and Caden.”
A platonic friend who cuddled, who carried me to bed and tucked me in so gently…who held my hand for an entire ride. Yeah. We were that type of friends.
“I don’t know how you do it,” Avery said.
“Do what?”
The ball fell from my throat, but it was in my chest now. I felt it pressing against my sternum, like it was trying to burrow its way out of me.
“Be friends with Caden and not develop feelings.”
Really? I cringed, hearing my own thought like a high-pitched squeal. I almost laughed out loud and said “You don’t say.” But I held it together and only responded with a casual-sounding, “Mmm-hmmm. Yeah.”
“Claudia was talking about you guys at lunch the other day. She doesn’t get it either. She’d be all over him within a day of trying to be a friend.” Avery laughed. “But then again, Claudia’s always had a thing for Caden too. The others had crushes on him too when we were freshmen last year. They’ve moved on. Caden’s picky about who he dates, but Claudia’s still hung up there.”
“She dated Kevin too?”
“Yeah. That turned out horribly.”
“And she still hasn’t told Shell?”
Avery frowned at me. “She doesn’t want to make it awkward. That’s the only reason.”
I’d spent enough time with that group of Avery’s friends to know that was bullshit. I’d heard their stories. Claudia knew Shell had dated Kevin early in the year, and she dated him later that year. She’d kept her mouth shut not because she didn’t want to make things awkward, but because she’d violated girl code. You aren’t supposed to date a friend’s ex.
I pressed my lips together now. “That’s…” I tried to control my voice so no cynicism slipped out. “…nice of her.”
“I thought so too.”
I didn’t understand Avery. I wasn’t super socially savvy, obviously, but May and Clarissa never went after guys I said I liked. Shit, if they had, we wouldn’t have remained friends all through junior high and high school. A sudden longing washed over me. I missed my friends. A lot.
“Is something wrong?”
“What?”
Avery was studying me. “You just sighed. Is something wrong?”
“No.” I waved that off. “Just stupid thoughts.”
“Like what?”
“What?”
She leaned forward, matching my grin. “What were you thinking? Tell me.”
“I was just missing two of my best friends from high school.”
“Have you kept in touch with them?”
I shrugged, feeling that stupid ball moving back into my throat. “I’ve called a few times.” And emailed, and texted, and left a lot of voice messages. Spending time with Caden had consumed me. I wondered if something similar was happening with them.
“Where’d they go to college?”
May went to New York, and Clarissa was a few hours away. “One’s not far. The other’s across the country.”
“Do you want to go visit her?”
I’d been picking at the carpet, but I lifted my head. “What?”
“We could go see your friend, the one that’s close. I mean, as long as it works for her schedule. I know some of the girls would totally be up for a road trip.”
“You mean you and Shell? That group?”
“Maybe even Marcus.”
Lovely. He could drill holes in the back of my head close up.
“Caden might go, since it’s you,” she added.
My head was swimming. “You guys would go on a trip for me?”
“Of course. Road trips are fun.” She laughed, leaning forward and pressing her hand over mine. She squeezed. “It’ll be fun. Where’s she at? Let’s plan something.”
A road trip was a new concept to me, especially with such a large group, but that’s what ended up happening. Once I got a hold of Clarissa and May, we picked a weekend. May would fly in from New York. Soon all the details were ironed out.
We were going in a few weeks—the second weekend after Family Weekend. Avery had been right about Caden too. He’d said he’d come, but he’d drive, and only I could ride with him. The girls were unfazed by that request.
Claudia even said, “We figured he’d say something like that.”
And since Caden was coming, Marcus was in too, as well as some of the other guys from Caden’s fraternity. In fact, most of the guys from the fraternity were coming. They had a chapter at Clarissa’s college, which was smaller than North River. We had fourteen thousand students, and Dubrois College had about six thousand.