Beautiful Secret

“What would you do?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I said blissfully. “We’d just lie around in the sand all day, play volleyball or read or talk, listen to music. When we got hot we’d jump into the water, maybe take turns on someone’s paddleboard, when we got hungry we’d eat the lunch we packed. My mom would see us in the morning and then not until the sun went down.”

“Sounds brilliant. I quite like the image of teenage Ruby,” he said, wrapping a finger around a piece of hair and tugging. “Hair bleached from the summer and freckles across your nose. Tan skin and tiny bikini.” He seemed to consider how this sounded for a moment before clearing his throat and adding, “We’re going to imagine I’m teenage Niall in this scenario, as well.”

I laughed, pulling the sheet up around my body. “Carlsbad was an amazing place to grow up, you know? Before I left the States I was sharing this great apartment with two of my best friends. We could see the ocean from our dining room window,” I said, missing them so much in that moment it was like a physical ache. “Between our work schedules it felt like we hardly saw each other, but when we finally managed to all be there at the same time we’d make cappuccinos so we could stay up late and talk, sometimes watching the sun come up over the marina. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to leave . . . We’d all grown so busy we barely saw each other anymore.”

“Maybe. Or perhaps, you knew something bigger was on its way. Waiting for you.”

I looked at him for a long time when he said that, wondering if he meant school and work, or more. “You should go there someday. Lie on the beach, go to Disneyland, ride Space Mountain.”

Niall scrunched up his nose in distaste, but I leaned in and kissed him anyway. “Disneyland?”

“You didn’t think you’d like the concert, either. Remember? Sometimes it’s fun to just be silly.”

He was quiet for a moment before nodding once and tilting his chin toward me for another kiss. “You’re right, I suppose,” he said against my mouth. “And what do you think of New York? Do you enjoy yourself?”

“It’s big and loud, but . . . sort of exhilarating. I’ll never forget it,” I said, eyes still on the comforter.

“Maybe you’ll come back.”

I lifted a shoulder in a small shrug. “Maybe. Might not be the same without the company, though.”

“Who would buy you hot dogs and tease you about mustard?”

“Or grope me on the subway?”

“Exactly. So school first and then you’ll what? Go back to San Diego?”

We’d been so honest tonight and I didn’t want to give that up. “I’m not sure,” I said. “It depends on a lot of things.”

“Such as?”

School, finding a job, finding a flat. You. Me.

“School,” I said. “A job that pays enough to live there.”

“I’m fairly certain neither of those things will be a problem.”

“I still have to actually get into Maggie’s program, you know.”

“You will. Margaret Sheffield would be nutters to let someone like you go. You’re quite brilliant, Ruby.”

“I’m distracted,” I corrected him.

He smoothed a hand down my back and over the curve of my ass, to rest at my hip. “Ah, but we go home soon, yeah?”

“I think we both know that New York isn’t the distraction,” I said honestly.

“I think that may be true for the both of us,” he said, pressing his thumb into my skin.

“What will happen when we get home?” I asked, voicing the question we’d both been avoiding. We were due to leave in two days. The tickets were bought. The email telling me to check in to my flight would be arriving in less than twenty-four hours. Everything had happened so fast, but would it continue? We wouldn’t take the physical side of our relationship any further until he knew he loved me, but what did that mean for the rest? Were we an actual couple? Would we tell anyone?

He blinked up to my face, and I could tell he hadn’t been expecting that, for me to just come right out and ask. “We’ll plug along,” he said. “Things will of course be different at work, but outside of that, things can stay as they are.”

His expression tightened into one that I’m sure mirrored my own. I wasn’t sure which of those sentences I hated more. We’ll plug along made it sound like we were barely surviving this, that we were something to be endured. Things will be different at work. Of course they would, how could they not? And things can stay the way they are. I was greedy. I didn’t want things to stay the way they were, I wanted more. I wanted all of him.