Beauty Queens
“Well, we were kind of hoping to go home as soon as possible …” Adina started.
Ladybird Hope’s expression changed to one of disapproval. “Well. Of course, if that’s what you want. I would just think that you would want to say a big thank-you to the folks who rescued you and be a credit to girls everywhere. But if you don’t want to, we’ll just cancel the pageant this year.”
“No, we’ll do it,” Miss Ohio said.
Ladybird smiled. “Terrific! Oh, I’m so happy. Don’t you worry, it’s going to be great,” Ladybird assured them with a wink.
“When?” Nicole asked.
“Tomorrow night,” Ladybird answered.
“And we could tell them all the stuff we’ve learned about eating grubs and safe sex and vaginas,” Tiara said.
Petra grinned. “Tiara, you said the V word. Gimme five.”
“That would blow their little minds, wouldn’t it?” Jennifer said with a smirk. “Hello, America. My new platform is Kicking Ass, Girl-Style.”
“My goodness, I don’t know what you girls are talking about, but it hurts my ears! So stop it,” Ladybird Hope chided. She put a hand to her heart. “You know what? America needs you girls. It’s no secret the world’s as messed up as a hockey game played on non-Zambonied ice right now. It needs you to smile and wave and remind us that we are a great nation full of pretty. And that we will not allow any threats to our pretty. No matter what.”
On the screen, Ladybird Hope leaned closer to the camera. The angle was not kind. There was a pronounced ridge in her top lip from too much filler. “Now. You Dreams have a nice lunch, and then I believe you need to go shopping.”
45Alexandra’s Clandestine Closet, the number-one lingerie store, whose most popular undergarment is the Bicycle Pump-assiereTM, a bra with built-in tires that can be pumped up to simulate any cup size.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Mary Lou’s throat hurt from screaming, but no one could hear her down in this cave near the ocean. She and Tane had been tied together and dangled from a hook, which was slowly lowering them over a piranha-filled tank. Below their feet, the ugly, sharp-toothed fish darted back and forth, waiting to take the two of them down to bones. The rope gave a jerk as it lowered another half inch. A piranha leapt, startling Mary Lou, who screamed.
“You all right?” Tane called.
“Yeah. Those things creep me out. Are you okay?”
“Other than being lowered to my death, yes.”
“At least we’re together.”
“True. But I wish you weren’t here. I wish it were just me and you were safe.”
“Awww, so sweet!” The rope jerked again. “Aaaaahh!”
“At least we’re getting a fancy, Greek mythology–style death. They could have just given us quick bullets to the head. Now we get to die in style,” Tane said.
“Was that supposed to be comforting? Because, no offense, it wasn’t.”
“Nah. I always hated those stories anyway. It’s like, any time a human tries to break out and take action for him-or herself, the gods punish that person. Like Prometheus — he brings Zeus’s fire back from the mountain. He enlightens mankind, and so they chain him to a rock and an eagle eats his liver every day.”
“My mom tried to get me to eat liver at Rita’s Cafeteria one time. I wrapped it in my napkin and flushed it down the toilet.” A piranha surfaced. It snapped its teeth. “Yikes. Okay. Need distraction. Tell me another story.”
“Princess Andromeda was chained to a rock as a virgin sacrifice to stop Poseidon’s sea monster from devouring everything.”
“Wow. They really liked the rock-death thingy,” Mary Lou said. “What did she do wrong?”
“Nothing. Poseidon was punishing her mother for bragging about her daughter’s beauty.”
“There we are with the braggy again,” Mary Lou said. “So, Andromeda didn’t even do anything wrong and she ended up in the ocean? Why?”
“They needed a virgin sacrifice. But then Perseus came and saved her.”
“Because the pure girls get rescued.” Mary Lou felt something she didn’t let herself feel often: She was well and truly pissed off. “Why do girls have to be all pure and innocent and good? Why don’t guys have to be?”
“No argument here. I always thought it was pretty silly.”
“If I weren’t about to die, I would totally rewrite that.”
“If I weren’t about to be eaten by piranhas, I would tell you that I love you.”