Beauty Queens

“You okay?” Jennifer asked. “You want something hot to drink?”



He nodded.



Jennifer handed him the cup. With shaking hands, Agent Jones took it and sipped. His lips twisted into a squiggle.



“Sorry. There’s no milk or sugar that I could find,” Jennifer said.



The squiggle became a smile. Agent Jones took two big gulps and leaned his head back against the railing, enjoying the breeze. The coffee was hot and strong. It was also Hazelnut.



Shanti toggled a DVD in her fingers. “One last thing to do, Teen Dreamers.”



LIVE ON BARRY REX LIVE



BARRY REX: Good morning and welcome to a special edition of Barry Rex Live. Today, disturbing images — and even more terrifying allegations — from that Miss Teen Dream Pageant gone wrong last night. Joining us this morning is someone who has a personal investment in this terrible tragedy: our special guest, presidential hopeful Ladybird Hope. Good morning, Ladybird.



LADYBIRD HOPE: Good morning, Barry. It is very disturbing news. You can see in this grainy footage Republic of ChaCha soldiers, under direct orders from The Peacock himself, aiming for the girls. The explosion. What we’re hearing is that our Miss Teen Dreamers have been murdered. All of them. As you know, the Miss Teen Dream Pageant has always been special to me. I was a Miss Teen Dream. It is the ideal of femininity. This is a direct act of war, Barry, and —



BARRY REX: Excuse me, Ladybird. Looks like we’ve got some special callers on the line. Let’s go to live feed, please.



On the studio screen, the girls waved. They had gotten pretty good at waving, but they had never enjoyed it more than they did right now. Ladybird Hope broke the pen in her hand into two pieces.



BARRY REX: How about that? They’re okay!



ADINA: Hi! You would not believe the crazy night we had, Barry. What with Ladybird Hope trying to kill us and all. So, you know, sorry if we look like shit. Anyway, it’s such a long story, and we are currently on vacation, so we’re just going to leave you with this video and a PowerPoint presentation. Enjoy! Bye!



Ladybird Hope’s smile twitched at the corners as the video came over the feed. Barry Rex’s eyes widened.



BARRY REX: Well. Is that … the Republic of ChaCha?



“It’s somebody’s Republic of ChaCha,” a camera operator murmured.



A half hour later, as Ladybird Hope left the studio, crowds had gathered again. But they were not cheering or holding up KEEP AMERICA PRETTY signs. No one shot play gun fingers at her with a wink. The faces were angry. Yelling. Ladybird Hope was not enjoying this moment in the spotlight. Still, she gave them a smile and a thumbs-up. “Keep your chins up. The truth will come out.”



“The truth just did come out, you murderer!” a woman shouted.



A bonfire billowed up. Some in the crowd tossed copies of Ladybird’s book into the fire while a librarian pleaded with them not to do that and grabbed a fire extinguisher.50 Ladybird Hope made her way through the angry mob to her car, where two federal agents in dark suits waited for her. If she squinted, she could almost pretend they were secret service and she was the president.



48Beena, the Bollywood actress and singer whose “Hindi Hindi Shake” made her a club sensation in 1999 before the “India-pop” craze was replaced by the “Pakistani Soul” sensation.



49Hip-Hopera’s La-La Boheme, the Jamaica, Queens-based urban arts collective’s hip-hop retelling of Puccini’s opera, which was protested by Concerned Citizens of America First for allowing more than ten black people on one stage at the same time.



50Really, being a librarian is a much more dangerous job than you realize.



CHAPTER FORTY-TWO



It was the most highly rated Miss Teen Dream Pageant ever. Though there were only thirteen contestants, the curiosity about seeing these survivors — fanned by an Internet ad campaign that hinted at unsavory sexual secrets and possible cannibalism — drew a record number of viewers. Sadly, without continued sponsorship from The Corporation, the program was canceled and replaced with new episodes of the reality show about Amish girls rooming with strippers, Girls Gone Rumspringa.



The media were calling LadybirdGate the sex scandal of the century. One tabloid referred to her as “Ladybird Ho.” Articles appeared in newspapers and blogs decrying the moral decay of girls in general. On TV, talking heads wrung their hands over a lack of traditional feminine values and wondered if girls’ sports were to blame. Then they cut to a commercial featuring a sexy college coed vacuuming her dorm room in her underwear.



Shanti shook her head. “All those crimes, and, like, all anybody can focus on is a sex scandal.”