Beauty Queens

Sosie Simmons — The new director of Helen Keller-bration! dance troupe, currently touring the United States and Canada. Was able to secure additional funding for an arts-based after-school program for children with disabilities. Dating a boy, for now. Still enjoys watching clouds.



Sosie does a backward flip into the wings, where Jennifer slaps her five down low. Sosie puts her thumb to her chest and waves the other four fingers. Jennifer mimes it back. “I think you’re awesome, too.”



“Watch out! It’s the original Flint Avenger, Miss Michigan, Jennifer Huberman!”



“Oops. That’s my cue,” Jennifer says.



“Go Jennifer!” Sosie whoops as her BFF takes the stage.



Snapping her fingers from side to side, Jennifer skips down the runway in satin harem pants and a Wonder Woman T-shirt whose hem she’s bedazzled with tiny shell fragments that catch the light and cast her in a pinkish glow. She reaches into a pocket and produces a golden lasso (all right, a thin, golden strip belt, but why quibble?), which she twirls above her head, disco-style, and quite frankly, she’s f**king fabulous. But what of her future?



Jennifer Huberman — Writer/illustrator of the underground comic Fiercely Fashionable Dykes. Co-owner, with her wife, Marguerite Espinoza, of Galaxy Comics, the best independent comics store in Flint, Michigan, and organizer of the annual Girl Con.



Jennifer presses the backs of her wrists together like clinking bracelets. Shanti imitates the movement and they share a laugh. “Wonder Woman herself, Miss Michigan, Jennifer Huberman!” Shanti calls.



Jennifer duckwalks her way back, earning the laughter and applause of her friends. Spirits are high.



Adina dons a pair of sunglasses and grabs the mic. “I hope you came to get down, because Miss Ade’s in town! Ladies and gentlemen — the girl who puts the rad in COLO-RAD-O! Nicole!”



Nicole’s long legs take the runway in gazelle strides. Her hair is a beautiful black corona tied off with a bright orange scarf. Her purple dashiki is accessorized with a flower-and-frond necklace. She shadow-boxes the air with hard, swift uppercuts before coming to rest in a champion’s pose, arms stretched overhead.



“Check it,” she says, and purses her lips.



Nicole Ade — That’s Surgeon General Nicole Ade, thank you very much. Implemented comprehensive public school sex ed programs credited with raising teen body awareness and self-esteem and lowering teen pregnancy rates. Manages anxiety with karate. Stopped biting her nails.



“You gonna moonwalk for us?” Shanti teases from the booth.



Nicole shoots her best friend the bird and everyone laughs. As she grooves her way back up the runway, Shanti’s hands swerve over the turntables, expertly blending dissimilar sounds that somehow, mixed together, make something new and hot.



“Tiara! Tiara! Tiara!” the girls chant.



Tiara slides out on the runway in a purple tulle dress over black knee-high, lace-up boots. A garland of blue island flowers is pinned to her hair. She launches into a hard-popping krunk routine, her body like a weapon, before dropping straight down into a split.



“Whoa,” Petra says. “That Christian pole dancing really limbers you up.”



While we linger on Tiara’s giddy, triumphant face, let’s peek behind the corner at her future.



Tiara Destiny Swan — Part-time interior decorator and full-time soccer mom to four kids. Recently let them use her old trophies to construct a fort in the backyard. Enrolled in a low-residency college program with a 3.75 GPA. Knows how to spell douche.



“Thank you, Miss Alabama!”



“Mississippi!” Tiara singsongs.



“Oh, Alabama — that’s me!” Brittani runs out onto the stage wearing a bikini and a metal cape made from salvaged plane parts. She turns to show off the cape and winks over her shoulder.



Brittani Slocum — Soap opera actress and celebrity spokeswoman for the Third Nipple Foundation. Accidentally married a European prince while making a music video. Now princess of that principality, but not really sure why.