Below Deck

She quickly turns around to face me, crossing her arms in front of her.

“You wouldn’t always have to apologize to me if you didn’t do stupid shit in the first place,” she fires back, making a smile tug at the corner of my mouth.

I clutch onto two of the wheel handles harder to stop myself from moving out from behind it and wrapping my arms around her. I want to drag my palms down the soft skin of her back, and I want to bury my nose in the side of her neck and breathe in her coconut smell.

“You’re right. I was wrong. And I’m sorry. Again.”

I watch her fight with her own smile until she rolls her eyes and shakes her head at me.

“I really need to get that on a t-shirt.”

We continue staring at each other in the dimly lit room until she finally sighs and breaks the silence.

“I’m on the pill and I’m clean, for your information. But you would have known these things last night if you hadn’t stormed off like a child,” she admonishes me.

“I’m clean too, in case you were worried about that. You’re the only woman who’s ever made me lose my mind so much that I forgot to protect her,” I admit.

“Good to know there won’t be anything screwing up our lives from this vacation fling,” she says sarcastically, throwing my words from last night right back at me and making me feel like an even bigger asshole.

My palms start to sweat around the wheel handles when I realize she stressed the word “vacation fling,” and it suddenly hits me how angry she is with me. And not just because I said something stupid and uncalled for last night, but because of what I said. I could see the hurt written all over her face when she said the words “vacation fling,” and it’s still there, shining brightly in her eyes with unshed tears that she quickly tries to blink away.

Have I missed what was staring me right in the face this entire time? I got angry when I heard the words she said in the Jacuzzi last night when maybe I should have been paying more attention to her. The way she looked at me and the way she trusted me with her body and small pieces of her life she shared with me. I’ve been holding back from her because I thought she didn’t feel the same, when I should have been pushing forward, opening up and telling her everything.

“Did you know the wheels on ships nowadays are just here for show? They aren’t used to actually steer it or anything,” I tell her softly, easing my way into opening up to her.

She pushes away from the control panel and closes the distance between us, resting her hands in between mine on opposite spokes of the wheel.

“That seems kind of sad. I like the idea of picturing a captain standing in his uniform behind the wheel of a ship. It’s much more romantic that way. Like Titanic, but not so horrifying and tragic.”

I laugh, rocking the wheel slightly while her hands continue holding on.

“I mean, it’s still fully functional, but the captain only uses it in case of an emergency and the computer system shuts down. So, if we have a massive power failure, you’ll still get your romance, minus the tragedy,” I tell her.

Our eyes stay locked together as I keep gently moving the wheel from one side to the other.

“You look good standing there behind the wheel,” she tells me quietly.

I swallow thickly, taking the opportunity she’s giving me, but nervous as hell about what she’ll say or think. Her opinion suddenly matters to me more than anyone else in the world. I want to be good enough for her. I want her to see that I want more out of life than cleaning up other people’s messes.

“This is all I’ve ever wanted. To be a captain,” I admit quietly, looking away from her to stare down at our hands in case I see something on her face that makes me lose my nerve. “That’s why I was so shitty with you when we first met and why I didn’t want to cross the line with you. I was afraid of losing my job and losing my opportunity to make my dream come true. I’ve been studying for my captain’s exam for years, putting my personal life on hold and working my ass off, and I’m finally ready to take the test once this charter season is over.”

She grabs on tighter to the wheel, forcing me to stop moving it and look up at her.

“I think you’ll make an amazing captain,” she tells me with a smile and a cock of her head. “You’re smart, and you’re incredibly anal when it comes to organization and following rules. Sometimes.”

She raises one eyebrow as she looks pointedly at me, and I can’t help but laugh as she continues.

“Everyone on this boat respects you. I see it every time you talk to them, or every time they come to you with a question or need advice. They look up to you. You’re going to pass that test with flying colors and be the best captain in the world.”

Mackenzie doesn’t even question what I’ve told her. She doesn’t tell me it will be hard and she doesn’t tell me it’s crazy. She immediately believes in me, and it makes me feel like I can do anything, as long as she keeps looking at me the way she is right now. Like nothing makes her happier than the fact that I’ve just shared the biggest part of myself with her.

“I’m jealous you know exactly what you want out of life, when I don’t have a clue,” she tells me.

“I thought I knew exactly what I wanted out of life. I had one plan, one dream I wouldn’t let anything get in the way of. I never thought I’d stray from it. I never thought anything would make me want to stray from it,” I admit. “You make me want to break all the rules, Mackenzie. You make me want to change all of my plans.”