Below Deck

But once that excitement wore off, once they were driven away and out of our lives, reality sunk in. The reality that my father might have gotten rid of one problem, but he still had a thousand more to deal with once we got back to New York. And the reality that even though we’d mended our relationship and were closer than ever, I felt more alone than I’d ever been.

I hated that I wanted nothing more than to pick up the phone and call Declan back on the ship and tell him what happened. I cried myself to sleep the last two nights feeling so cold and lonely in my bed, wishing he was there with me, holding me in his arms and telling me everything would be okay.

Nothing would ever be okay again. Even if my father managed to get himself out of all the trouble that awaited him in New York, I knew I’d never be okay again. I left my heart back on the Helios, and it was impossible to get it back. Part of me couldn’t wait to get on the plane tomorrow so I could put as much distance between myself and what happened on that ship, but I knew, no matter how far away I went, I’d never be able to forget. I’d never be able to close my eyes and not hear his voice, not feel his hands on me, not see the happiness on his face when he talked about becoming a captain, and never stop wondering what would have happened if he’d just asked me to stay.

I just wanted him to ask me to stay.

I had been right all along. I wasn’t the type of woman who could have a vacation fling and walk away unscathed. I fell in love with the strong, gorgeous, stubborn man who behaved like an asshole more times than I can count. I fell in love with his passion for his job, and I fell in love with his confidence, and I even fell in love with how quickly he could realize he did something wrong and apologize. I fell in love with the fantasy of spending the rest of my days traveling the world with him and the excitement of falling in love with all of the things I hadn’t learned about him yet.

I fell in love with a man I met on vacation, and he just let me walk away.

“Why don’t you head back to your room at the hotel and rest? Our flight leaves pretty early in the morning, and you look exhausted,” my father tells me softly.

“It’s still early. I don’t want to leave you alone.”

Ben had shown up right before we went to dinner to whisk Brooke away for some alone time before they had to say good-bye. He seemed really excited when I told him my father and I were going out to dinner on the other side of the island away from the hotel and would be gone for a few hours. I’m sure it’s because their alone time would be spent in the hotel room I shared with Brooke, and I tried not to be jealous each time he gave me a wink and asked me just how long I planned on being away from my room.

At least he wasn’t looking at me with pity, with my puffy, red-rimmed eyes from crying and my hair in a messy bun on top of my head because I didn’t give a shit about how I looked. Although, that almost made me even sadder. If he wasn’t looking at me with sympathy and understanding, that means Declan never said anything to him about me. That means Declan didn’t even care about me getting off the ship and walking away. He let me go and he just went about his business as if nothing ever happened. As if he hadn’t stood in that wheelhouse and told me I made him want to change all his plans.

Fuck!

I can feel the sting of tears welling up in my eyes and I know I need to get out of here before I become a sobbing mess in the middle of the restaurant.

“Mackenzie, I’ll be fine,” my father says, setting his napkin on the table and waving for our waitress to bring the check. “I’m just going to walk along the beach around here for a while and enjoy the rest of this beautiful weather before we head back home. Go. Get back to the hotel and relax. I’ll be fine.”

With an apology and a kiss on his cheek, I move quickly through the tables of the small seafood restaurant and rush outside to get a taxi to take me back to the hotel.

I was too distracted and lost in my own thoughts to notice the twinkle in my father’s eye when I made my escape, or how the excited look on his face matched that of Ben’s before he disappeared with Brooke earlier, and how he wouldn’t stop asking when I was going back to the hotel.

I should have noticed. I should have been paying attention.

When I let myself into mine and Brooke’s hotel room, I poke my head around the door slowly, happy to find it empty and not filled with the sounds of Brooke and Ben saying their goodbye’s. I don’t bother turning on any lights as I move into the room and let the door close behind me with a quiet click. I left the double balcony doors wide open before we left for dinner and the setting sun during my taxi ride back was replaced with a full moon sitting high in the sky above the water, shining through the doors and giving me enough light to see by as I make my way over to the balcony.

Stepping outside onto the ledge ten stories up from the ground, I rest my hands on the railing, take a deep breath of the salty ocean air, and let the tears fall that I’d been holding back since I left the restaurant. My head drops between my shoulders and I let myself cry one last time, getting it all out of my system before I leave here tomorrow and have to find a way to be strong and try to forget.

“Mackenzie.”

A strangled cry flies out of me as I whip my head up and whirl around when I hear my name whispered softly from behind me. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I could smell his soap and a soft hint of that cologne he wears as soon as I walked into the room, but I thought it was just my imagination playing tricks on me and torturing me with the memory of him. It’s what made me break down into tears as soon as I got out on the balcony. The same tears that are still making tracks down my cheeks as I see him standing right in front of me in the doorway leading out onto this balcony. I swipe them away angrily, hating that he’s in my room right now, seeing me so pathetic and weak, crying over him when he doesn’t deserve my tears.