Below Deck

I close my eyes tightly, not wanting to look at him, not wanting to let myself feel anything for him. I try to pull my hands out of his grip, wanting to cover my ears so I don’t have to hear the raw pain and misery in his voice when he speaks, but he won’t let me go.

“I knew I was going to come and find you and beg you to forgive me as soon as I woke up this morning,” he continues, moving closer, pressing my hands against his chest and holding them there.

I feel the rapid beat of his heart under my palms and I try to pull them away, but he still won’t let me.

“I knew you weren’t a rich, spoiled princess the first time you opened your mouth. I knew you were worth it the first time I touched you. I made a mistake, and you’ll never know how fucking sorry I am I let you walk away from me,” he says, his voice cracking with emotion.

I can’t help it, I let my eyes slowly open and I look up at him, my heart shattering when I see the pain on his face as looks down at me, his eyes pleading with me to understand.

“I let your fucking bitch of a stepmother fill my head with shit that ate away at my insecurities and made me second-guess everything I felt for you. You were always worth it, Mackenzie, but she made me think I wasn’t worthy of you,” he tells me softly, taking a deep breath. “It didn’t matter if you were the richest woman in the world or didn’t have a penny to your name. All I could think about was what kind of life I could give you. You’re smart, beautiful, and the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. You deserve everything, and all I can give you is a life never staying in one place, on a boat in the middle of the ocean. It scared the hell out of me that it wouldn’t be enough for you. That I wouldn’t be enough for you.”

I knew something must have happened to make him go so quickly from wanting me to change his plans to not wanting me at all, but I never imagined it had anything to do with Allyson. I should have known, and it makes me hate her even more than I already do that she managed to fuck up my life in more ways than one.

“All you had to do was ask. That’s all I wanted. I just wanted you to ask,” I sob, my tears falling faster and harder. “I would have told you that you were worth more than anything I had waiting for me back home. I would have told you that nothing would have made me happier than spending my life never staying in one place, on a boat in the middle of the ocean with you.”

He groans, dropping his head until his forehead is pressed against mine.

“Stay with me,” he whispers. “Don’t go. I love you, Mackenzie. I can’t be on that boat without you. I can’t walk around that ship without seeing you everywhere I go, without needing you there with me. I love the way you make me laugh, I love the way you make me want more out of my life. I love the way you make me happy for the first fucking time in my life. I love the way you make me feel like I could make you happy. I love that you make me feel like I’m enough for you, even though I know I’m not. I love everything I already know about you and everything I can’t wait to learn about you. I love the way you say my name and the way you look at me, and how no matter what I do, I can’t get you off my mind. I love that you’ve thrown me off course and that I never want to get back on track. I love you. Stay with me.”

It’s everything I wanted from him. It’s all the words I wanted him to say, if only he’d said them before he let me walk away.

“I don’t trust you, Declan. I don’t trust the words you’re saying no matter how much I want to. I needed them two days ago, not now, not after you know what’s going on with my father and think you can make everything better by telling me what I want to hear.”

He lets go of my hands and presses his palms to either side of my face, tilting my head up so I have no other choice but to look into his eyes.

“You can ask Ben. You can ask Zoe and Marcel. They were there when I told them I’d fucked up before I read the article. They were ready to kick my ass if I didn’t get off that boat and come find you. Yes, I felt like the biggest asshole in the world when I found out everything you’d been dealing with and keeping to yourself, but it’s not why I’m here. I know I can’t make everything better. I know I can’t fix everything, but I want to try. Please, stay with me,” he pleads.

I shake my head in his hands and he leans down, kissing the tears off my cheeks.

“I love you. Stay with me,” he whispers.

The broken pieces of my heart start slowly putting themselves back together every time he says the words I needed from him.

“Stay with me.”

It stops mattering why he’s here or what made him get off that ship and come find me. I can hear it in his voice, and I can see it on his face that he means every word he says.

“Stay with me.”

He continues to kiss away the tears that continue to fall and I clutch the material of his t-shirt in my fists where my hands are still pressed against his chest, the steady beat of his heart still thumping under them.

I’m weak and I’m pathetic, and suddenly, I don’t care. I don’t care about anything but the man standing in front of me, pouring his heart out to me. I don’t care that I’ve only known him for two weeks and in that span of time, he’s broken my heart more times than I can count. All I care about is the fact that he can put it back together.

“Stay with me,” he whispers one last time, pulling his lips away from my cheek to look down at me.

“How can I be sure that’s what you want? How can you be sure that’s what you want? You have a future and plans and I’m just going to mess all of that up,” I tell him softly, flatting my palms against him as he leans into me, his body pressing against mine from hip to chest.