Bestie

“Sounds like you just moved too quickly. This man he doesn’t sound like a prick. If he was, he would have just used you and given you the flick. Sounds to me like you both have something real, but he simply wasn’t ready.”

“So, it was my fault?” I croak.

“No, darlin’. You both jumped in, because it felt good. That’s not on either of you. He wasn’t ready, he should have probably been more honest about that, or at least understood that when you have a connection with a woman, and you sleep with her, she’s going to get attached. All men know that.”

“I truly believe he thought he was over it. Honestly, I do.”

Dad nods. “Sometimes when you’ve been hurtin’ so long, something comes along and makes you feel so good it masks your feelings. Then, as you’ve seen, that all comes crashing back down.”

“Do you think his feelings for me were ever genuine?”

Dad nods. “Yeah, I do, but the man hadn’t recovered from his past and until he does that, he isn’t free to move forward. Best thing you can do, baby girl, is to give him time. Trust me, he needs it. Pressure, or any kind of emotional response from you, it’ll only make it worse for him and push him away from you. Put yourself in his shoes, and have some empathy.”

I look to my dad. He’s right. Of course, he’s right. Roman’s heart probably feels like it’s being ripped out of his chest right now, so no matter if he cares for me and truly does see potential, he can’t feel anything outside of what he’s feeling right now. He’s hurting. He just needs to hurt and heal.

“How do I shut down when I care about him so much?” I say softly.

“Space if you need, but if you can’t do space because you both need each other, then you need to take a bit of time, get yourself together, and accept what is right now. That is friendship. The man is hurtin’, he’s going to feel like that for a while, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you, but you need to remove the pressure from your end for a while and just be there for him. Trust me, the more you add, the harder it’ll be for him to figure his head out.”

“I’m scared of doing that, because the more time I spend with him, the more I care about him. If he does actually get back together with his ex, it’ll destroy me, Daddy. I know it will.”

“Then, baby, you gotta take some time. You gotta take care of yourself first, you know this. That’s the best thing you can do for both of you. I don’t know much about his situation, but I can tell you more often than not when two people get back together after a nasty break up, it doesn’t last, but sometimes they need it to see that. Let him sort himself out. You can’t fight this battle for him. When he’s done doin’ that, you can be there for him again.”

I nod.

He’s right.

I have to let Roman do this one on his own.

I have to get myself together.

~*~*~*~

A week passes, and mostly I feel like I’ve just lost my best friend. Roman still tries to talk to me every day, and I know my lack of contact is worrying him. But I had to take this time. I’ve cried a lot and spent most of my time lying in my bed, wondering why I was so damned stupid. I should have never let my feelings come into play so early, if I had left them out, I would have been able to support him right through this and come out the end.

Instead, I screwed it all up.

After the eighth day of sulking, I get up, take a deep breath, and know it’s time to move on. I have to get over this. I have to find myself again. I have to get myself together. This isn’t healthy, and it’s not helping anyone. Maybe when I do, I can have the friendship with him that he wants. I get out of bed, I shower, I go for a walk, and get ready for work. It’s hard, but I force myself to do it.

I decide to send Roman a message just before I leave, letting him know I will drop some stuff he left here off while he’s at work. The only way for me to recover, is to do it properly and remove anything that reminds me of him, at least until I can get myself together. I can be strong for him, but I can’t do it if he’s with her. If that’s the case, I’ve decided I’ll need some time. If he’s not, I can control my feelings to be there for him.

M – Hey. Sorry I haven’t been answering. Been a hard few days. I hope you’re doing okay. I dropped off your stuff at your house, for when you get home. Hope you’re well. I’ll leave some beer, too. I owe you.

He responds almost immediately.

R – You don’t owe me. You sound like you’re leaving this friendship. Those things were yours. I gave them to you. I owe you. You were there for me the whole time. Don’t think I didn’t appreciate it. I did. I decided last night I’m not going down there. I need to have some self respect. Thank you for always being there.

I stare at the message.

Then I read it again.

He did it? He really did it?

M – I’m proud of you for doing that, and I will always be here, in one way or another. I just needed time. Are you really not going back there?

R – Nah. I can’t. I need to have some respect. She’s not well. I asked her to leave me be. It was amicable. She never really cared anyway, so it was easy for her. I just want to move on. I need to be strong this time.

He did it.

He ended it. He had the choice to go down there and see if there was anything left, and he chose to end it. Of course, going down there would have ended badly, and he would have gotten more hurt, but the fact is that when you love someone, it can be very hard to let that go.

But he did. He let it go.

M – I’m so proud of you. I know that would have taken so much strength. I know how hard it has been for you, and I know that decision wouldn’t have been easy.

R – Yeah. I deleted all the messages, all the photos, everything.

Wow.

He hasn’t done that. Not once. For him to delete it all ... that takes a lot.

Has Roman finally realised how utterly incredible he is, and how much more he deserves? Will it stick?

I have a feeling this time, it has a better chance of sticking, because I know it wouldn’t have been something he decided lightly.

M – That wouldn’t have been easy. I’m really proud of you for doing that.

R – Yeah. Gotta move on.

M – Listen, I’m really sorry I went off at you the other day. I feel like an idiot for not being there for you when you needed. It wasn’t fair.