Chapter 11
I licked the salt on my wrist, tipped my chin up, downed the shot of tequila, then bit into a lemon slice. Snakebite.
I couldn’t say how many times I’d repeated this ritual tonight. I could hold my liquor, and it usually took a while before it showed any effect. But now the walls were spinning. And I felt fabulous.
“How does she do it?” Scott asked, looking across me to Dawn. I was sitting between them at the bar in Hillhouse.
“No idea. Her liver must be made of steel,” my friend responded. A liver of steel. I snorted. I must have gotten it from my mother. After all, she had a heart of steel.
I paused. If I could still think that clearly, I definitely needed another shot. I leaned over the bar and waved my hand. Within seconds the next glass was in front of me, and I raised it in thanks to the bartender. Thank God for their lax attention to age.
“I want to dance,” I called out to Dawn and Scott after I’d tossed down the shot. I dragged them to the dance floor and began to move to the music. I was drunk and surrounded by friends. I’d feel better soon. At least so I told myself.
After a while, Scott went off with a guy who seemed familiar, someone who was taking a course with me. Dawn and I joined a bunch of students, dancing with abandon. It was already after midnight when they asked us if we wanted to join them at a house party with other friends. We quickly agreed.
Dawn had taken it a bit easier this night and did her best to make sure I got safely to our goal.
Students were staggering around with red Solo cups in their hands in front of the entrance, and a sweetish smell floated in the air, hinting that not only cigarettes were being smoked.
Our new friends introduced us to the host and then disappeared amid the swirling crowd. Music thundered from the speakers, so I dragged Dawn toward the makeshift dance floor at the other end of the room. I had to keep on dancing.
“I’ve never seen you here before,” a guy addressed me as we got closer. Right away, his friend started chatting with Dawn.
“I’m a freshman,” I said, smiling, and moved to the music.
“Want a drink?”
I looked at him. He had beautiful green eyes and sandy hair, just a tad too long. As if he could read my mind, he shook his bangs off his forehead.
I grinned. “Sure.” I said with a shrug, following him to a table crowded with bottles of beer and other mysterious liquors.
“What’s your name?” asked the guy, handing me a cup filled with red liquid. I sniffed it and wrinkled my nose. Actually, I didn’t like sweet mixed drinks. But I’d make an exception today.
“I’m Allie. And you?”
“Brix.” He knocked his cup against mine. “Cheers to being a freshman.”
We chatted a while, until he introduced me to a few more people. I laughed aloud at the jokes that Brix’s friends made, and I soon noticed that a pleasant warmth had spread through my body. No idea what was in this drink, but it seemed to have an effect. And as long as I could keep that emptiness at bay, it was okay with me.
Brix and I went off to dance. He moved his hands up and down my body. It wasn’t strange or frightening. It felt good to let go.
I didn’t know how we reached that point, but I started dancing on a table with another girl, one of Brix’s friends. She took my hand and we swayed together to the music.
From the corner of my eye I saw Dawn talking on her phone near the entrance. She didn’t notice me waving her over to us.
I closed my eyes and concentrated on the music. This was exactly what I needed today. I needed to be here, not in my room, where my mother’s words still hung over me like a poisonous cloud.
When I reopened my eyes, I saw a familiar face below me in the crowd. With his set jaw and sparkling eyes, his tousled hair and three-day beard, he looked damn fine—but also incredibly dangerous.
“Roommate!” I squealed and leapt from the table, which was a pretty major feat in my high heels. I landed right in his arms.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
I chuckled. “Dancing.”
“Yeah, I saw that.” Kaden removed my arm from his neck. His tense expression brought me down from my high.
I heard a few people laugh. I turned to them and Brix was grinning broadly at me. I waved back.
“Didn’t know you had a boyfriend, Allie,” Brix said.
“What?” I almost laughed. “Kaden isn’t my boyfriend.” My tongue suddenly felt heavy, and I could barely stand. “He’s just my roommate. And he has rules. ‘Cause it’s the only way that living together can work.”
“Rules?” repeated Brix, amused, taking a sip from a beer bottle.
“Rule one: Don’t bother me with girly stuff,” I mimicked Kaden’s deep voice. The others laughed again. “Rule two—Hey!”
Kaden had grabbed my arm. “Cut the shit.”
“Cut your own shit.” In my drunken state I was no competition for Kaden.
“I’m sorry I called you,” I heard a small voice next to Kaden. “I was worried about her.”
“Don’t talk about me as if I weren’t here, Dawn,” I hissed and tore my arm away from Kaden. “You asked him to come?”
With a guilty look, Dawn bit her lower lip. Great.
“We should go home,” Kaden whispered. I could feel eyes on us from all around, but Kaden didn’t care. “You had a long day.”
I glared at him. “That’s why I’m here.”
“Dude, I think you should let her decide for herself,” Brix intervened. “If she wants to stay here, let her.”
“Keep out of it, buddy,” Kaden spoke firmly.
Brix raised his hands and took a step back. What a loser.
“You’re not going to push me around.” I turned my back to Kaden and headed for the bar. But before I could lift one of the bottles, I was grabbed by the hips and pulled back against a hard chest.
“You’re coming home with me. Now.” Kaden’s eyes were blazing in anger.
“Or else what?” I demanded. I raised my hands and put them on his chest. When I touched him, he exhaled. Then he grabbed me by the hands. His grip was gentle.
“Don’t do it,” he murmured.
“What shouldn’t I do?” I asked in all innocence.
“Allie.”
Chills ran down my spine. I loved it when he said my name. If his voice alone could trigger this response in me … what else could he do with me?
“I can’t go home, Kaden.”
“We don’t have to go home, if you don’t want to. But what I see going on here,” he gestured toward the table on which I’d just been dancing like a fool, “is not right.”
“How do you presume to know what’s right and wrong for me?” I demanded. By now my good mood had evaporated. Instead, a thick knot had grown in my stomach.
Kaden tipped his head and gave me a crooked smile. “Because I know you. I know how you really are, Bubbles. And the girl who just danced on the table? That’s not you.”
The knot moved up into my throat. “You don’t know me at all.” My voice broke. I sounded as weak as I felt.
“Unfortunately,” he retorted and rubbed his forehead in frustration. He took a deep breath and held out his arm to me. “Now I’d feel very connected with you if you’d cut the shit. Come with me now, or I will haul you out of here. Your choice.”
“Good. My decision,” I said, turning around to grab a random bottle of wine that I’d just spotted.
Kaden growled and made good on his threat without another word. He lifted me as effortlessly as he’d done at the waterfall. I let out a shrill scream and pounded his back, but he just clapped his free hand on my butt.
“Kaden, I swear, when we’re home I’m going to tear you to pieces!”
He laughed, and I felt its rumble pass through his body and into mine. “Let out your claws. I can hardly wait.”
The alcohol that I’d consumed at the party took its full effect on the way home. It took me several tries to get out of the Jeep, and when I’d managed it, I twisted on my high heels and nearly fell—which I found so funny that I couldn’t stop giggling.
“My God, you’re unbearable when you’re drunk,” muttered Kaden, throwing an arm around my waist.
“At least I’m only unbearable when I’m drunk.”
Kaden threw me an angry look, but I saw the hint of a smile. “Can you manage the stairs?”
I gave a haughty laugh and removed my shoes. “Good one.”
Easier said than done. I didn’t even get up the first three steps before I lost my balance and slumped to the side. With all my strength, I clung to the railing, but everything was spinning. Kaden gave an annoyed snort and held out his arm so I could catch myself. In his other hand he held my shoes. I thought it was cute how he helped me up the stairs with this somewhat remorseful expression on his face.
Once inside the apartment, he pointed me toward the bathroom and even brought me my pajamas. Very thoughtful, I found.
While I washed my face, I held on to the rim of the sink so as not to tip over.
The cold water brought me out of the fog a bit. And suddenly I saw everything much more clearly than I’d wanted to.
My mom had found me. She wanted me to return. And worst of all: She still didn’t respect my wishes. She even had the nerve to demand my gratitude for the money in my own savings account. After all that had happened.
I swallowed hard and tried to shut down my thoughts. It didn’t work. My eyes were burning, but I kept on splashing cold water on my face until I had washed all the tears away. Then I brushed my teeth and slowly peeled off my dress. Once my pajamas were on, I sat on the toilet seat and buried my face in my hands.
Everything was spinning, and I heard Mom’s voice repeating in my ears.
I couldn’t leave this room until I was under control. Otherwise Kaden would see me, and there was no way I wanted him to know how messed up I really was.
As if he’d read my mind, he opened the door. I stayed where I was. Maybe he just wanted to brush his teeth.
“Bedtime, you boozer.” Only Kaden could manage being thoughtful one moment, and rude the next.
I staggered out of the bathroom and closed the door behind me. The trip to my room seemed endless. When I finally made it, I dropped onto my sofa bed and buried my face in one of the pillows.
Don’t worry.
It was nothing serious.
You can’t throw it all away over such a petty thing, Crystal.
Think of your father.
What I wanted to do was hit something hard, to get rid of my anger. This afternoon, when my mother saw and spoke to me, it felt like she still had absolute power over me and my life. But she didn’t! I wasn’t their prisoner anymore. I had to repeat this to myself over and over again.
My door opened.
“Here.”
I lifted my head. He held out his outstretched hand. Groaning, I reached for the two aspirin on his palm and took the glass of water in his other hand.
After popping the pills, I wanted to set the glass on the windowsill, but Kaden shook his head. “Drink up,” he ordered.
I cursed at him, but did what he said.
“That’s a good girl,” he praised me with a self-satisfied grin.
“Can you leave me alone now?”
Instead of answering, Kaden plopped down on my desk chair, crossed his arms behind his head, and eyed me with suspicion.
“Good, then you can watch me sleep,” I said as if I couldn’t care less. I turned to my side and looked at him.
“Do you want to talk?” he asked abruptly, frowning.
“Rule one,” I spouted back at him.
“I make the rules. If I ask, then I also want an answer.”
I sighed. “I don’t want to talk, Kaden.”
He nodded, but kept his eyes on me. “Should I go?”
I thought about it. Then I shook my head. “No.”
His face softened. “What was that all about? At the party, I mean.”
I looked at him, and his eyes were warm. Not demanding, just offering. I didn’t know if it was the alcohol working on me, or if it was Kaden, but I suddenly felt the need to tell him a few things. Not everything, but at least a part of what had made me do what I’d done this night. I sighed. “I wanted to shut off my thoughts.”
“It looked as if you’re an old hand at that.” He didn’t sound curious, but I heard his underlying question.
“I used to drink a lot, to silence my head. I stole liquor from my parents. I had friends hook me up. I guess tonight was a kind of relapse,” I said, shrugging.
“Sounds as if it was loud up there pretty often,” said Kaden, nodding toward my forehead.
I smiled. “There’s pure chaos in my head.”
He returned my smile.
“Tell me something,” I said. “Anything. So I don’t go nuts.”
“What do you want to hear?” he asked and rubbed the back of his head.
“Your tattoos.” I pointed to his crossed arms. “I’d like to know what they mean. Especially the written parts. I’ve always wanted to know about that.”
There it was again, that crooked grin. “Slide over a bit,” he murmured and sat down beside me on the bed.
“Where should I begin?” he asked, as if the situation we were in was completely normal.
I needed a moment to collect my thoughts; then I pointed under his left arm. “With this one.”
Kaden slid closer to me and lifted his left arm to reveal the tattoo in cursive script. “I had this one done when I was sixteen. I drove all the way up to Vancouver to get it done, since no one around here can ink a minor.”
With great power comes great responsibility.
“Spider-Man?” I asked grinning.
Kaden blinked at me, surprised.
“My mom lost it when she saw the tat. I was grounded for at least a month.”
He rubbed his finger over the words.
“Which one’s next?”
“The rings,” I said, and ran my finger over the topmost pattern encircling his biceps. For the first time I noticed that there were a few very finely drawn points and lines above it. As I traced the pattern, Kaden seemed to hold his breath.
“I was between eighteen and nineteen when I had that one made.” He rubbed his thumb over the spot. “I was in a difficult phase. But I got over it. Every ring stands for a month that I survived.”
“Why are they different widths?”
He swallowed hard and avoided my gaze. “The first are wider because I was in the most pain. At some point things eased up, so the circles are thinner.”
“The top one above the rings looks like a kind of code,” I murmured.
“Damn.” Kaden gave a half smile. “I didn’t think you’d notice.”
My eyes grew round. “Please don’t tell me it’s the name of your ex, Kaden.”
“Would that be so bad?”
“You poor boy,” I said and patted his arm. “And this reminds you of her every day?”
He shook his head. “I’m not that crazy.”
“No?” I teased, which made him cuff my knee through the blanket. I screeched but Kaden didn’t react.
“It says ‘Rachel’ in Morse code.”
“I hope you didn’t break Rachel’s heart,” I said, looking at the points.
“Yes, I did. With every single tattoo. My mom doesn’t like them.”
“Wait—you got your mom’s named tattooed onto you?” I asked, in surprised.
“What of it?”
I held my hands to my heart.
He made a face. “What’s next?”
I wanted to save the multi-lined text on his other forearm for last. “The feather on your back.”
“You little spy.”
“How can I help it if you drag me to a waterfall and strip in front of me?”
I’d ever seen Kaden smile so much. This whole situation was surreal—I was probably just hallucinating. Or drunk. Definitely drunk.
“I told you about my dad,” he began, and I nodded. Of course, I remembered what he said about this awful man. Kaden looked away and slid back on the bed until he could rest his back on the wall. “The feather is my newest tattoo. This might sound ridiculous … but it stands for freedom. It took me a long time until I managed to split from my father. But ever since I did it, I’ve finally felt free. The feather is there so I never forget.”
At that moment that lightning struck.
“You have no idea just how well I can imagine that. I wish I had a feather somewhere on my body,” I murmured.
He looked down at me and smiled. “After having the honor of meeting your mother, I believe it.”
I stiffened. I didn’t want to think about my mother. Not now. I pointed to the last tattoo. “What does this writing mean?”
Kaden twisted his body and showed me the inner side of his arm. I squinted.
It’s time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don’t ask too much, just say
‘Cause this is just a game
I held my breath. It couldn’t be true. Kaden couldn’t have these exact words on his arm.
“Oh my God,” I exclaimed in disbelief.
It was the second stanza of A Beautiful Lie by Thirty Seconds to Mars. The lyrics of my favorite song were tattooed on Kaden’s arm.
I blinked several times, but the black letters remained.
“I think we have more in common than you think, Bubbles.” Kaden lowered his arm and slid down a bit so we were lying next to one another. I turned on my side. My heart was pounding wildly.
I looked up. His caramel-colored eyes were gleaming.
“I should go,” he murmured.
“You should.”
Neither of us made any attempt to get up. Instead, we looked at each other until my eyelids became heavy. Enveloped by Kaden’s spicy fragrance and the warmth of his body, and with his stories in my ear, I fell asleep.