Chapter 22
“Will you be ready soon?” his voice came through the door, and I sighed. This was the third time Kaden had asked. It was high time that I left the bathroom.
We’d spent the night together in bed, but were both so exhausted that we fell asleep. It felt pretty natural to wake up together and have breakfast, especially since Kaden made fun of my coffee habits, as usual.
But the atmosphere between us had changed, that was clear. It was hard for me to look at him for more than a few seconds without thinking about what he’d been doing to me yesterday. I caught myself wanting to touch him. I wanted more.
So his suggestion that I show him around Lincoln came at the right time. There wasn’t much happening in the streets. Probably everyone was with their family, busy preparing for Thanksgiving, which meant we could walk around in peace. But we both agreed quickly that we preferred Woodshill.
By late afternoon we were back in the hotel and watched the latest episode of Game of Thrones on the gigantic hotel TV screen. Afterward, I started to get ready. It wasn’t easy to make myself up with the few utensils I’d brought along, let alone get my hair in shape. I didn’t even want to think about what my mother would say about my outfit. She used to spend weeks looking for the right dress, or ordered designer clothes that cost more than my year’s rent at Kaden’s. The things I had on now were nice, but came mainly from discounters or cheap online stores.
I took a deep breath. Even though I was afraid of her reaction, my outfit was another symbol of my independence and that’s how mom should see it.
“Allie, I know what you’re wearing—I helped you pack. You don’t need to make a big fuss and drag this out,” came his impatient words from the other side of the door, and I rolled my eyes.
I pulled a few strands of hair from my pinned-up hairdo so it wouldn’t look too severe, and then opened the door.
“You get nervous when the bathroom is locked, don’t you?” I asked, grinning, and walked toward him.
Kaden’s eyes were wide and he let his gaze travel over my body. He swallowed a few times and opened his mouth to speak—but nothing came. How unusual for him.
And he looked great, too. He wore a dark, blue-green shirt, brown pants that looked a little bit worn in places—in a good way—and his dark leather boots. I would go anywhere with him dressed like that. There was just one little thing …
I walked over to him and reached for his shirtsleeves.
“Hey, what are you doing?” asked Kaden as I started to open the buttons. I looked up at him. His eyes sparkled.
“I want people to see it,” I said, rolling up the fabric on each arm, to just below the elbow.
“So you do want your mother to have a heart attack after all.”
I stroked the lyrics tattooed on his underarm before stepping back to look at my handiwork.
“Now everything is perfect,” I announced.
Kaden returned my smile and the tingling sensation in my belly started up again. “That’s it.”
For five minutes we waited in the taxi at the corner of the street, where I’d asked the driver to stop. I shook my hands because they’d started to shake, but that didn’t seem to help.
This whole thing was crazy. I’d make a fool of myself. On the other hand, wasn’t that the whole idea? I wanted to make it clear beyond a doubt that I wasn’t Mom’s marionette any more, and couldn’t care less what she or her so-called friends thought of me.
“Are you ready now, or should we make another turn around the block?” asked Kaden, standing by my side, and I shook my head right away.
Now was the time to face these people. And I wasn’t alone. Before I could think it over again, I opened the car door and got out. The air was cool but bearable. Thank goodness I’d brought my leather jacket along.
Expensive cars were parked along the street, and guests were strolling along the driveway past the large fountain and pompous sculptures to the spotlighted entrance of our house.
I took a moment to collect myself. As Kaden and I stepped onto the property, I tried hard to avoid the countless familiar faces, heading straight for the entrance. At some point Kaden grabbed my arm and forced me to slow to his pace. He bent toward me and murmured in my ear: “You’ll make it.”
I hoped he was right.
Once inside, we were welcomed by servants in black suits, who took our jackets and brought them down to the basement, where there was a huge wardrobe for such occasions.
A waiter offered us champagne, and I reached for a glass. Kaden followed suit. As usual, he first took a whiff of the drink and as the bubbles burst in his face, he narrowed his eyes.
“Sometimes you remind me of a cat.”
Kaden’s mouth twitched. “A cat? Can’t think of anything better?”
“There’s nothing better,” I replied, distracted as more people entered the foyer. They bubbled over in greetings, talking all at once, dropping lots of empty phrases that sent one unpleasant shiver after another down my spine.
They were all dressed to the nines—Kaden and I stood out.
“Crystal?” A high voice rang behind me, and I froze, then turned like a robot.
Standing before me was Brianna Mellery, a former high school classmate. She looked like she was dressed for a Hollywood film premiere, not for a benefit gala. Her shoes and shimmery dress must have cost a fortune.
“Brianna,” I said, hoping my smile didn’t seem fake. Once upon a time we’d been good friends, went to lots of parties together. We’d even looked similar, with our blonde hair and short skirts. But now I couldn’t see anything we had in common.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” she gushed, bending to peck a kiss on each check. “You look so … different. So casual. I like it.”
I raised an eyebrow. Yeah, right.
“And you’ve brought someone with you!” she shrilled, looking Kaden up and down, devouring him with her eyes.
He nodded: “I’m Kaden.” When Brianna hesitated to kiss him on the cheeks as well, he added: “Crystal’s boyfriend.”
For a second I must have looked just as confused as Brianna.
“How cute.” Brianna covered her mouth with her hand and let out an affected giggle. “You go off and move to the other end of the world and come back with a man like that. I’ve got to tell Lindsay. I was looking for her anyway—but come find us. We’d love to hear how you’re doing.”
With these words she strutted off.
I stared after her, and when she was out of sight and earshot, I turned to Kaden: “Crystal’s boyfriend?”
He lifted his hands. “Self-defense. I didn’t want her to think of me as fair game. She had claws.”
I couldn’t laugh. “You realize that she’s now spreading the word?”
Kaden grinned. “I don’t have a problem with that.”
“Whatever you say.”
“You do?” he whispered.
I didn’t answer right away, instead looked around the room. Though it was still early, most of the guests had arrived. A few shot indignant glances toward Kaden and me; others tried to hide the fact that they were whispering about us. No surprises there. I knew what conclusions people would draw when they saw us together at this event.
I took a big gulp. “No, I don’t,” I finally answered, though I could have sounded a little more convinced.
Kaden rubbed his hand on my back. But instead of calming me, his touch reminded me of his hands on my naked skin, and I immediately felt hot.
Until I saw my father. And felt cold again. Even in a simple black suit, he broadcast absolute authority. He was standing at one of the bar tables, talking with a man who later wandered off to chat with others. Without hesitation, I took Kaden by the arm and walked toward Dad. He was just lifting his champagne flute to his lips when he spotted us. His eyes widened, but he masked his surprise with a tight smile.
“How nice that you managed to fit this in.” He didn’t look at me, but instead fastened his eyes on Kaden.
“This is my roommate, Kaden,” I said, trying not to let his frown unnerve me. “Kaden, this is my father.”
“Nicholas Harper,” Dad introduced himself and reached out his hand to Kaden. They shook, and sized each other up.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir,” Kaden responded.
“You live with my daughter?”
“Dad! We’re just roommates!” I cried, and felt myself blushing.
“Yes I do, sir. She rents a room in my apartment.” Kaden’s voice was strong, his attitude self-assured but easygoing. If he was feeling intimidated, he didn’t let on.
I’d never imagined being in such a situation. Dad had never been interested before in what I did or who I hung out with. During the week he worked like crazy, and on the weekend I was always out and about. We’d lived together for years and never really got to know each other.
“Nicholas! I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” An older man had stepped beside Dad and laid a hand on his shoulder.
“Francis!” Dad exclaimed. “Great that you could make it. Can I offer you a glass of wine? But now I remember—you always preferred scotch, right?”
My father nodded to us again before guiding his business partner toward the bar.
“That wasn’t bad at all,” Kaden said, leaning his arms on the table in front of us.
“Mh hm,” I responded, unable to evaluate this encounter. Yes, Dad had met Kaden—but did he also understand that I hadn’t come here as a favor for him and Mom. Quite the opposite? I thought my outfit and Kaden’s tattoos would make it pretty clear on their own, but that hadn’t worked. Frowning, I put down my champagne glass and rubbed my finger around its edge till it squeaked.
For an hour, the chairs of this year’s charitable organization gave their welcoming speeches, but I hardly heard a word. First of all, people from my old life kept on coming over to us, fawning over me and eyeing Kaden with curiosity. And secondly, Kaden was doing everything he could to make this experience bearable. What did make me laugh was how he invented the wildest possible scandals involving some of the guests.
“That guy over there is Alexander McTalman,” he said, nodding toward an older man who was unknown to me. He was incredibly tall, wore a plaid suit and was unobtrusively scratching his crotch. “He’s a Scottish Lord who’s upset that he can’t wear a kilt today. You can see, he feels kind of cramped.”
“Your imagination is incredible,” I said with my mouth full. We’d collected a mountain of snacks on our table, since we were too hungry to wait for the real food.
“That woman over there is Sabrina Miller-Fishbury. She’s president of the golf club for underage criminals, and she’s having an affair with Lord McTalman.” Her hair was combed back so tightly that her face seemed stretched. A kind of natural face-lift that might work for my mother as an alternative to the massive amounts of Botox she had injected into her. “But Mrs. Miller-Fishbury is stuck in an unhappy marriage with Mr. Fishbury, whose hair growth cream stopped working.”
Kaden was looking at a pretty short guy who had plopped a toupee over the remnants of his real hair. I laughed aloud and covered my mouth, hoping no one had noticed.
“Your turn,” said Kaden with a happy grin.
He was making the best of our situation and didn’t complain once. So I didn’t mind taking part in his silly game. Looking around for my next victim, an invented story was on my lips when—
I saw him.
And my heart stopped.
The way he held himself, his straight, strong profile. His wavy brown hair, with a few gray streaks. I would have recognized Russell Anderson anywhere.
I couldn’t breathe, and started to black out. I grabbed the table to keep from falling.
Our eyes met. For a moment, he looked surprised; then a delighted smile spread across his face.
I felt sick.
He shook the hand of the person he was talking to, then turned and walked toward us.
I might throw up any second.
“Allie?” Kaden asked, but his words didn’t reach me.
He came closer. And then he was standing in front of me. His bitter aftershave penetrated my nostrils, making me nauseated.
“Crystal.”
What I wanted to do was spit in his face, punch and kick him. But as usual I was paralyzed in his presence. He leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek, keeping his mouth close to my ear. “How lovely to see you,” his warm, moist breath made my stomach curdle.
I pressed my lips together. Without reciprocating, I stared straight ahead, hands clenched, trying to avoid his arrogant smile. Or how his eyes wandered greedily over my body, as usual.
“College life has been good for you, I see,” he announced, pleased.
I folded my arms across my chest, as if I could shield myself from his hungry gaze. Kaden took a step closer to me and placed his hand on my back.
“And who do we have here?” Anderson asked, his voice dripping with disapproval.
This tore me out of my trance, and I looked up.
“This is my boyfriend, Kaden White.” I didn’t even know how I managed to get those words out so firmly. Autopilot must have kicked in. “Kaden, this is—”
“Russell Anderson. An old friend of the family,” Anderson interrupted, and nodded to Kaden instead of shaking hands.
Kaden tensed beside me, drawing me a bit closer to give me support, without knowing who this man was let alone what his presence triggered in me.
Just then the loudspeakers crackled with the sound of my mother’s voice. She talked about the organization that would get this year’s donations, and how much this meant to her.
But my eyes were still on Anderson. How could he have the impudence to appear here? To talk to me, touch me? In my parents’ house!
How could they even let him in, after everything he’d done to me?
“And I’m especially pleased,” my mother continued in her cheery speech voice, “that I have the honor of recognizing a remarkable person today. Not only has he supported the foundation through his commitment—he’s also been a friend of the family for a long time.” She paused for effect. “Ladies and gentlemen, please give a hand to this year’s top donor … you already know him! Russell—where are you hiding?”
My mouth dropped open.
Anderson turned toward me and winked. He let his hand drift across my hip as he whispered, “Nice to see you again, Crystal. Maybe we can free up some time for each other later on.”
Then he turned, straightened his tie, and, smiling brightly, made his way through the throng of guests to join my mother at the podium.
My legs were about to give way; I reached for Kaden’s arm.
“Get me out of here,” I gasped. “Please, get me out of here!”
Kaden shifted gears, put his arm around me and pushed me firmly toward the front door. Anderson’s oily slick voice followed us the whole way. He felt honored, and he would accept the recognition in the name of all those in need …
My stomach cramped. Once outside, I inhaled the fresh air as if I’d been drowning. Kaden led me across the driveway and away from the property, ignoring the dismayed looks of other guests.
Once we’d reached the street, he relaxed his hold, and I let myself sink onto the sidewalk. Kaden spoke, but all I could hear was Anderson’s voice swirling around in my head. Crystal. How he’d whispered my name.
My pulse was racing. This was the last straw.
Kaden’s face appeared before mine. He knelt in front of me and touched my knees. I pushed his hands away.
“What did that asshole do to you?” he whispered.
I couldn’t speak. He put his big hands around my face, but instead of making me feel safer, this just made me feel afraid. I resisted him.
“Allie, you have to tell me,” Kaden insisted. “Did he … Did he hurt you?” He said the words as if it pained him to pronounce them aloud.
I knew what he was asking, and shook my head no.
“I don’t believe you.”
I forced myself to look at Kaden. His gaze was pleading, almost panicky.
“He did not go to bed with me,” was all I could muster before standing and looking for a taxi. The walls I’d built around my soul back then had now returned. And they stopped me from telling the true story.
It wasn’t long before a taxi appeared. Kaden helped me get in and told the driver to wait a moment. He disappeared, returning a few minutes later with our jackets. He put mine over my shoulders and laid his own over my legs. The farther away we were from my parents’ house, the easier it was for me to breathe. But I still couldn’t bear Kaden’s touch. Not now. It was too much, just too much.
Back in the hotel, I disappeared into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I used an entire bottle of shower gel, but no matter how hard I tried, the terrible memories of Russell Anderson wouldn’t wash away. Afterward, the whole bathroom was filled with mist. With a trembling hand, I wiped a patch of steam off the mirror and stared at myself.
Pale face. Panic-stricken eyes. The look was oh-so-familiar. For months, I’d stared back at that broken girl in the mirror.
I tried not to hyperventilate.
Running into Russell Anderson was the last thing I’d been expecting today. Our last contact was nearly three years back.
I wrapped myself in the bathrobe, brushed my teeth, and then pulled on my leggings and a wide black T-shirt. As I blow-dried my hair, I realized I had calmed down.
“Allie?” Kaden was standing outside the door.
I took a deep breath. I knew I couldn’t hide myself from him much longer. I forced out a laugh. It sounded fake, so I tried again. This time it sounded better. That’s to the only way I could face Kaden. But would he accept it? How else could I deal with this situation? He should never have seen me in this state.
Carefully, I entered the bedroom. He was sitting on the bed, his head buried in both hands. When he heard me, he looked up. He looked more than merely worried.
I smiled.
“Cut it out,” he demanded.
My smile slipped just a little. “What do you mean?” I went over to my bag and took a bit of time to put my clothes inside.
“Allie, cut the shit.”
I continued to rummage through my bag. “It’s okay, Kaden. I was just overwhelmed.”
He leapt up and strode toward me, grabbing me by the shoulders and whirling me around. I opened my mouth to protest—but then saw how angry he looked.
“You are going to tell me what that was all about. Now.” he said through clenched teeth.
“Let me go.”
“No.”
“Kaden, let go of me now,” I hissed and tried to push him off with both my hands.
“No,” he repeated, and this time his voice was low. “You are not going to shut down now. Not after these last few months, not after I’ve introduced you to my mom, not after last night, and definitely not after tonight.” He pulled me close. “Do you understand me?”
Of course I did. But Kaden had no idea what he was asking of me. It wouldn’t happen, and the sooner he accepted it, the better. Shaking my head, I tried again to free myself from his grasp.
But he just held on tighter.
“My God, what do you want from me?” I cried, pushing with both hands against his chest.
“The truth,” Kaden whispered. “I want to know what this fucker did to you,” his voice grew louder. “What happened between you? Why can’t you be in the same room with him without losing it? I want to know-”
“Stop,” I interrupted him. My pulse was racing so fast, I felt dizzy.
“No way. I was there when he greeted you. I had to hold myself back from punching him in the face. The way he looked at you was—”
“Shut up,” I pleaded and covered my ears with my hands.
“What did he do to you?” Kaden’s voice was barely a whisper. He held me tight, but now he was running his thumbs over my naked arms. “Tell me, Allie.”
I could feel the walls collapse around me. The memories wouldn’t stay under cover any more, no matter how hard I tried to push them back. They poured over me like a torrent, one after the other, and I sobbed. My knees buckled, but Kaden was there and held me tight. He slid down to the floor with me. Hot tears ran down my cheeks, and I clung to him as the pictures from the past, so long repressed, came back—and with them the feelings of panic, fear, helplessness. The loneliness.
I cried and cried and cried.
Kaden stroked my hair, murmured gentle, soothing words into my ear, and held me so tightly that it felt like he wanted to keep me together with all his strength.
At some point the tears dried up. I lay curled up between Kaden’s legs, my knees drawn up and my head against his chest. His steady breath and strong arms around my trembling body gave me something I’d never known before—a feeling of absolute stability.
And then I started to talk.
“It all started just after I turned sixteen,” I murmured into his shirt, which was damp from my tears. “Anderson was one of Dad’s new business partners and spent a lot of time with us, because my parents got along well with him. He invested millions in our company. And at first I didn’t mind him. He’d helped my father out, my mother was happy, and that was all good for me.”
As if to encourage me, Kaden stroked my back with his hand. I took a deep breath and continued.
“When it first started, I didn’t even notice what he was doing—like how he would touch me when he passed by, how he got closer to me than he should have. I thought I was just imagining it. And at first it was harmless. But then he started getting … more persistent.”
I swallowed hard.
“It was a creeping kind of … abuse. When I finally got the courage to tell him to stop, he threatened to cancel all his contracts with my father, which would have bankrupted the family business. I was … I was afraid that I could destroy my parents’ livelihood.”
Kaden’s hands stopped and I could feel his body tighten. He wanted to speak but I went on.
“So I didn’t fight back. As disgusting as it sounds, I even got used to it. His constant nearness, his slimy compliments. To his hands, which sometimes wandered up my skirt. The glee in his eyes when Mom bought me another new dress. I just lay there and took it.” I managed not to gag. “One night, he and some other friends of my parents were having a few drinks at our place. He snuck into my room.”
Kaden clenched his hands in fists against my back.
“He started kissing me, but I pushed him off,” I blurted out. “I was afraid he’d push for more. He eventually left, but he wasn’t amused. After that his approaches were even more insistent. Like he had an insatiable hunger. He knew my parents had no idea. He knew I couldn’t bear to see my parents lose everything. So he kept coming at me. Eventually I felt like his voice had entered my head, like he was everywhere. I couldn’t escape his touching, his advances.” My eyes started to burn, but I suppressed my tears. “I couldn’t sleep anymore, couldn’t eat. I stayed at school as late as I could, and then I would hang out with friends at the mall or at their houses. Sometimes I’d go to the movies and sit there through the late show. I couldn’t go home anymore. He could be there, waiting for me. After I collapsed from exhaustion one day, my mother forced me to tell her what was going on.”
I paused and took a deep breath. It was hard to talk about this. I’d never trusted anyone in this way before.
“I told her everything. Everything Anderson had done and said to me, and she looked shocked. She asked me if he … ” I cleared my throat again. “If he’d raped me, and I said no. Then she asked if he’d forced me to do anything else for him. My answer was no here, too. He hadn’t hurt me physically. He just pushed himself onto me in a quiet, disgusting way. He robbed me of my security.”
Kaden seemed to be holding his breath. I lifted my head from his chest to look at him. His lips were pressed together, and his eyes were burning with anger.
“You’ve met my mother. She would never allow anything to ruin Dad’s business or the family’s reputation. She said, well, if he hadn’t raped me, then I shouldn’t worry. From now on she’d buy me new clothes that weren’t so revealing. Then I wouldn’t be tempting him.”
Kaden drew in his breath. “She didn’t.”
I sighed. “Yes. I told her how uncomfortable I felt and that I was afraid of Anderson. Afraid he would creep into my room again, and I wouldn’t be able to hold him off. I wanted to go to the police. But Mom didn’t let me. She said no one would believe me. After all, I didn’t have any bruises. She said I’d look like a liar. A liar who had dragged her whole family into the abyss. She said she’d keep him away from me, and that’s how it was. Until tonight.”
“You let this guy off so he wouldn’t harm your parents,” Kaden said, with a dark expression.
I shrugged. “What choice did I have?”
“For God’s sake, you were only sixteen, Allie,” his voice shaking with anger.
For a moment I just listened to Kaden’s fast heartbeat, building up the courage to continue.
“I still avoided spending any time at home. Especially on weekends. Even Dad noticed my absence, but since he wasn’t supposed to know anything about the whole thing, I withdrew from him.” I laughed bitterly. “And Mom … at some point I couldn’t look at her face anymore. She’d threatened to sue Anderson, and after that he invested even more money into the company. He paid for our silence.”
Now Kaden winced and pulled me closer.
“I’m so sorry that you had to go through all this,” he murmured into my hair.
“Actually, I thought I’d worked it out. I mean, I dated guys and tried stuff out. But seeing Anderson today and hearing my mother praising him has ripped open the wounds all over again.” I could still see Anderson’s face, his lewd smile. I shuddered. “Mom wanted me to be at the gala tonight. She knew he’d be there. The awardee is selected weeks in advance. She lured me into an open knife.”
Kaden just shook his head.
“I want to leave it all behind me once and for all,” I said with a sigh. Even if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders now that I’d confided in Kaden, I felt more vulnerable than ever.
“Let’s go home,” I murmured after a pause. “To Woodshill, I mean.”
Because that was home now. There was nothing left to keep me here.
Kaden leaned back from me a bit and brushed my hair from my face. His expression was still dark and heavy. “If that’s what you want, we’ll take the next plane.”