Chapter 30
By the time I dragged myself to class the next morning, Kaden still hadn’t shown up. He hadn’t answered my message. I was sick with worry. And it hurt that, after all I’d told him about myself, he didn’t have the same trust in me. On the other hand, I understood. I knew how hard it was to open up.
Not wanting to trigger wild speculation, I tried to hide my pain and emptiness, telling my friends I had a cold—a credible excuse given the changing weather of the last few days. What happened between Kaden and me was no one’s business.
Dawn had already gotten involved in our drama, with not-so-pleasant results. I didn’t want her fracturing more fingers on my account.
When the afternoon rolled around, I was so worried that I was afraid to go home, for fear of not finding Kaden there. I put it off, instead wandering across campus and then heading for the library. I even started working on a presentation that was due in a couple of weeks. I didn’t go home until the library shut its doors.
My heart tripped when I saw Kaden’s Jeep in the parking lot. I took two stairs at a time and tumbled through the door.
And then stopped. The blood drained from my face so fast that I felt dizzy and braced myself against the wall.
A suitcase stood in the middle of the hall. Next to it, a few boxes. Moving boxes, filled with stuff that looked familiar. Like my crocheted throw. The picture frame with the photo of Dawn and me the day I’d moved in.
My heard began to race. I broke out in a cold sweat.
I made my way past the boxes into the apartment. My door was open, and I heard a loud rumbling sound. Kaden appeared in the doorway, another box in his hands. He didn’t even look at me as he passed by and set the carton down next to the others in the corridor.
“W-what … what are you doing?” I managed to croak.
Kaden ignored me and went back into my room. When he emerged holding my lamp, I blocked his path.
“Kaden, what on earth are you doing?” I asked, this time much louder.
Now he looked at me. His eyes were cold and unfeeling, his posture off-putting.
“I’m kicking you out,” he said in a monotone. “Without notice.”
For a moment I didn’t comprehend. He pushed past me with the lamp. I grabbed his arm and forced him to face me.
“What the hell!” My voice trembled. It felt like someone was pulling the rug from under my feet. Any second I might fall.
“We never drew up a lease. When I say you’re going, you go. So take your things and leave.” His indifferent tone stabbed me like a thousand tiny knives. This was not my Kaden. It was a robot, ice cold and unfeeling.
“Why are you doing this?” I whispered, encircling his other arm. He shook me off and set the lamp down. As he turned to go back in my room, I stood in his path.
“Allie,” he growled between clenched teeth. That sounded more like Kaden.
“What did your brother say to make you think you have to get rid of me,” I demanded. And though I was teetering on the verge of a breakdown, my voice was somehow now firm. “What did you discuss?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You can tell me everything, Kaden. Just like you promised to do,” I said, my voice softer now. “Please, don’t shut me out.”
He looked at me. His jaw was tight. A vein was pounding on his temple. “No.”
“I thought this kind of thing was behind us. I thought we trusted each other.”
“You thought wrong.”
I grabbed him by the shoulders. “Are you kidding me, Kaden? Yesterday, you tell me how good it feels to make me happy, and today you’re throwing me out of the apartment for no reason?”
“It was a mistake. The whole thing was a huge mistake.” He whispered, as if trying to convince himself.
“What happened between us was no mistake,” I countered. “What happened between us is the best thing that ever happened to me—and you, too, I thought. Why are you letting someone take that from us?”
He closed his eyes and swallowed hard.
I ran my hands over his shoulders, neck, up to his cheeks. “I’m not Kendra. I will not just disappear, Kaden,” I assured him.
It was the wrong thing to say. Kaden jerked back and grabbed my wrists, tearing my hands away from his face and stepping back.
“What happened with us,” he let the words fall, “was the biggest mistake of my life.”
Something broke in me. I gasped. But Kaden was not finished.
“Stay away from me, Allie. I mean it. I can’t take this shit right now.”
My hands were tingling; I wanted to slap him so badly. But I wouldn’t give in to this desire.
Instead, I felt myself shut down. The pain and the fear became so overwhelming and unbearable that I had two options: I could let it break me. Or I could push everything, every single sensation, into the farthest corner of my heart until there was nothing but a cold center. I could numb myself before the pain did it for me.
“So you want me to leave?” I asked. My voice was calm, no trace of the sadness or anger that was shaking my core.
Kaden nodded once and averted his eyes. “Yes.”
“You want to end our relationship like this? By throwing me out of the apartment?”
“The rules were there from the start, Allie.”
My teeth clenched. “And they were doomed from the start—your words.”
“I say a lot when I want to have my way.”
“Don’t act as if you only said it so I’d let you in,” I hissed. “There would have been more effective ways to do that.”
Kaden breathed out. “Why are you making it so hard for me?”
“Because, goddammit, I’m not one of those girls you can hook up with and toss to the trash heap. I’m the girl who lay in your arms and confided in you about her own painful past. I’m the one who—”
Kaden put a hand on my mouth. “No.”
I pushed it off. “You can’t just call it quits because you’re afraid to share your past. I know how hard it is, Kaden. Believe me. But I did it anyway.”
“And that’s my problem!” he cried, rubbing both hands on his face.
I froze. “What did you say?”
“Allie, please, I can’t. I tried … it just won’t work.” He swallowed. “I just can’t be together with you. It’s not about you. It’s—”
“Because of Anderson? Because of the thing with my mom?” I whispered.
He shook his head. “There are just some things that … happened. Things that would destroy you if you learned about them. It can’t work. I can never be with someone like you.”
His words shattered me. I backed away.
Something dark flickered in his eyes. “And sooner or later we would have broken up anyway, believe me. It’s better this way.”
I suppressed my tears. My protective walls stood up at once. Then I looked into Kaden’s eyes with as much contempt as I could muster. Cool and calculated, even though I was falling apart inside.
“I’m not the kind of woman who runs after anyone, Kaden. You should know that by now.” I squared my shoulders. “If you want me to go, I’ll go. But don’t think I’ll ever come back.”
It seemed like an eternity passed before he nodded. “I can live with that.”
So I did it. Turned around and left, though my heart hurt so much that I could hardly move.