Chapter 31
Dawn opened the door and looked at me in surprise. She prepared to speak but then saw the pillow in my hand and the suitcase on the floor next to me. She scrunched her eyebrows with concern and stepped aside to let me in. Sawyer didn’t seem to be there, but I didn’t care.
Not at all.
Dawn asked no questions. She pulled the suitcase into the room, then took me by the hand, and led me to her bed. She murmured something. I saw her lips moving, but my ears were throbbing with my pulse, my rage, my heartbreak so I couldn’t understand her. Dawn left the room.
I sat on her bed, dangling my legs and staring at my socks.
Dawn returned with two cups of steaming tea, which she set on the nightstand. She pulled back the covers and helped me get comfortable. Then she got in next to me, and I lay my head on her lap. With my face against Dawn’s leg and my fingers clutching her sweater, I let the tears come.
I cried for hours. Dawn didn’t move from the spot. She pulled the blanket over me and stroked my hair, murmuring comforting words as my body shook with violent sobs.
At some point I was too exhausted to do anything but stare at the wall. It felt as if someone had torn every organ from my body.
Everything hurt.
My eyes grew heavy. I fell into a deep sleep.
As the week went on, sleeping turned into the high point of my days. Those were the only hours when I didn’t feel the overwhelming pain. Eating and even drinking were hard for me. I left Dawn’s bed to use the bathroom, nothing more. I skipped all my classes. It would have killed me to see Kaden there.
Dawn was an angel. She brought notes from our classes and photocopied Scott’s notes from the classes she wasn’t taking with me. To my relief, Sawyer didn’t show up much.
On Saturday, Dawn arrived with Scott in tow. They’d brought pizza. The aroma made my stomach rumble. But when Scott opened the box, I felt tears at the corners of my eyes. Everything reminded me of Kaden. It was ridiculous and terrible, but I couldn’t help it. Even though I’d slept more in the last few days than in the rest of my life put together, I felt drained and empty.
For the first time in my life I was in love. And for the first time in my life, someone had broken my heart. I didn’t know how to get over it. Especially since I was also homeless. What would I have done without Dawn?
I was always dependent on others—first my parents, then Kaden, and now her. As much as I’d tried to suppress everything that had happened in the past few days, one message had penetrated: I had to take responsibility for my life. It was time to get back on my feet.
“I need an apartment.”
Those were the first words that escaped my lips since I’d appeared at Dawn’s door. I stared for a while at the faded carpet and then looked up at my friends. “I need an apartment.”
Scott’s mouth opened and closed. I guess he hadn’t counted on this being the day I’d break my silence. Even Dawn seemed surprised. She put her slice of pizza back on the plate in her lap.
“You can stay here as long as you want. They hardly ever check, and if they do we’ll just make it seem like you’re my roommate. I mean, Sawyer is almost never here anyway,” she kept on going, obviously glad that I’d finally said something.
I felt the corners of my mouth twitch. Only a bit, but both Dawn and Scott had seen it.
“Sweetie?” Scott ventured, but not so cautiously as to make me look ridiculous.
“Huh?”
“Did you want to say something?” he asked.
I thought about it a while. The pain had lessened a bit, but I felt cold and numb. And empty.
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
“We’re here for you,” he said softly. “Always. Just so you know.”
Dawn nodded until her hair flew around her head.
I took a few deep breaths and stared back at the carpet. A lot had happened in my life. I’d felt alone for years, never able to trust anyone. My friendships had all been superficial; I kept people at a distance, thanks to my bad experiences.
In Woodshill, everything was different. Even I had become a different person—more myself than ever before. No matter how much Kaden had hurt me, I’d learned from my mistakes and realized now that it was better to talk about problems than to bottle them up. Otherwise they would come out on their own, and with destructive force.
I didn’t want to fall apart like this ever again.
So I got out of bed, sat down on the floor with Dawn and Scott and started to talk. It took a huge amount of effort, but I did it.
I told them about my parents and life in the Midwest. About Anderson, though not everything. About the awful confrontation on Thanksgiving. About Kaden’s brother. And how from one moment to the next Kaden had changed, though we’d grown so close. As I spoke—stumbling and clumsy—I realized how right it felt to talk to Dawn and Scott. I trusted them.
When I stopped, Dawn crawled across the floor and encircled me in her arms. Scott took my hand and squeezed it.
“Okay. First of all,” Dawn began in a firm voice, “I believe everything happens for a reason, Allie. If all that hadn’t happened, you wouldn’t be sitting here with us. We never would have met. Maybe you never would have found the courage to follow your dreams—maybe you’d never have told your mother that you wanted to be a teacher. You wouldn’t have fallen in love.”
I returned Dawn’s gaze and nodded.
“And secondly,” she continued, “it sounds like you’re not the only one who has to process stuff from the past. Kaden also seems to be dragging something around.”
I chewed on my lip.
“Whatever it is, it’s no reason to throw Allie out of the apartment. To be honest, it makes me mad,” Scott said, frowning as if the idea were something utterly new to him.
“He told me he can never be with someone like me.” I had to clear my throat, because my voice was failing. “I asked him why, to tell me what had happened between him and his brother. But he wouldn’t say.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? With someone like you?” snapped Dawn and sat erect. “I should beat him up again. I still have a good hand. And two feet.”
It was a sweet gesture, but I couldn’t even smile. Instead, I shrugged.
“The rules were fixed from the start.” I let out an ironic laugh.
Scott shook his head. “That guy is full of shit. Have you heard anything from him?”
I blinked. My cell phone had sat unused for a whole week.
My days had consisted only of sleeping and Dawn’s attempts at distraction.
“No idea.”
After Dawn handed me her charger, and I’d attached my phone to it, a single name appeared: Spencer.
“Of course,” I murmured. Spencer had probably been sent to take care of the rest of my stuff. I locked the phone again and shoved it aside.
“I have no idea what to do now. I mean, I can’t stay here forever, no matter how much I appreciate the offer, Dawn.”
Dawn gave me a crooked grin.
“First of all, let’s go look at apartments. I’m guessing you don’t want to share a place anymore, right, Allie?” Scott looked at me and tapped on his smartphone.
The fact that the two didn’t overwhelm me with pity but instead set about finding practical solutions made it so much easier.
“No,” I announced. “No more roommate … unless I get to choose my roommate myself. I still have some savings and an account that my parents set up. I can dip into it in an emergency.”
True, I wanted to avoid touching a single cent of that money, but it would be impossible to find a dorm room mid-semester—all rooms were occupied and the waiting list seemed endless.
“Let’s go!” Scott clapped his hands. “You’re in it to win it, Allie.”
I took a deep breath.
Then I stood up.
I was in it to win it.