Chapter 33
Stressful would be an understatement. While back in class full time, I somehow managed to squeeze in one apartment visit after another. But the distraction did me good. Turns out, finding an acceptable apartment in the middle of a semester was easier than at the beginning of the semester. Maybe some students realized they weren’t college material. Either way, most of the viewings went okay.
Kaden and I had only one shared class. Film and TV. I’d considered dropping out and taking it next semester. But no. Why should I hide just because he thought he couldn’t be with me?
Instead, I just avoided Kaden, and pretended he didn’t exist.
Today’s classroom assignment was to place films and people in different production categories and periods. We were supposed to come to the front of the room and stick our little notes with names and titles in the correct columns on the whiteboard. I reached for a magnet to put my first note on the board when I felt someone standing behind me. It had to be Kaden. His arm pushed past me and over my shoulder, as he stuck a note on the board.
I froze.
“Can we talk?” Kaden’s breath brushed my ear, he was standing so close.
I wanted to turn and go back to my seat, but Kaden held me by the elbow. It was all I could do not to look at him. Instead of lifting my eyes, I stared at his hand on my arm. My pulse was so fast, I was dizzy.
It can’t work. I can never be with someone like you; his words rang in my head.
Without looking him in the eyes, I removed his hand from my arm. I returned to my seat and, heart pounding, began to copy the notes from the board. Kaden turned and left the room.
After our last class of the day, Scott and I sat in the campus café waiting for Dawn to get out of class. Both of them wanted to come along to one last apartment viewing today. What would I have done without them?
Lattes in hand, Scott and I navigated our way up the creaky wooden steps of the café. All the window seats upstairs were taken, but we found a little table in the middle of the room.
We hadn’t even sat down when Scott asked: “How was Film and TV?”
I sighed. Actually, I wanted to forget about the encounter with Kaden, but somehow Scott had a nose for news. “He actually spoke to me. He asked if we could talk.”
“And? Can you?” Scott asked, with raised eyebrows.
“Probably not.”
“Maybe he has something important to tell you.”
“Like what? That I left my tampons in the bathroom?” I asked a bit too loud; the girls at the next table stopped talking and stared at us, annoyed.
“Allie?”
I turned and saw Monica heading our way, with Spencer and Ethan in tow. By now Spencer’s eye had healed.
“Hey,” I heard myself say.
“Can we join you?” Monica asked hesitantly.
As if I could say no. I nodded and forced a smile.
“How are you?” Monica asked.
“Good.” Three pairs of eyebrows went up. “Okay, I guess,” I added, because at least that was kind of true by now.
“Kaden’s not doing so great,” Monica blurted out.
Ethan groaned. “Baby, I don’t think—”
Scott interrupted him. “Good. He doesn’t deserve anything better,” he said, with a polite smile.
Monica glared at him, irritated.
“Kaden can’t let anyone get to him, and you know it, Allie. And if he tries, he panics the next moment and pushes you away again. He’s done it with all of us. Right, guys?” She looked at Spencer and Ethan, who were sitting next to her.
Ethan sighed and wanted to reply, but Monica glared at him until he just nodded in agreement. Spencer just folded his arms across his chest. He didn’t look too happy.
“Then that boy should see a therapist, like yesterday.” Scott was furious.
“It’s okay. It’s over,” I said, putting my hand on his arm. But the words felt like plastic in my mouth. Fake and untrue.
“Allie, we both know that’s bullshit.” Spencer looked up. He frowned and leaned forward, his elbows on the table. “Ever since Alex came over, Kaden has been a basket case.”
Monica gasped. “Alex was here? Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
“Because Kaden doesn’t want everyone to know.”
“Well that explains something, man.” Ethan ran his fingers through his hair and then draped one arm across the back of Monica’s chair.
Scott snorted. “I’d like to know what that explains. The big bad brother comes over, then Kaden throws Allie out of the house? Sorry, people, but that doesn’t work for me.”
“We have to tell her,” murmured Monica, with a questioning glance at Spencer.
He shook his head.
“Spencer, she deserves answers,” Ethan agreed with Monica.
“Could you maybe tell me what you’re talking about?” Confused, I looked from one person to the other. And then my eyes fixed on Spencer.
He groaned and looked like he wished he were somewhere else. “Kaden and his brother don’t have the most stable relationship, let’s put it that way.”
“Right. He told me about it. About the divorce and his father and the company. And about Alex.” I remembered every single story Kaden had told me about his family.
“When Kaden was eighteen, his girlfriend left him,” Spencer said.
“Kendra,” I whispered, and nodded.
“What does that have to do with … Oh.” Scott’s eyes widened. “Did his brother come on to her?”
Spencer snorted. “No. He raped her.”
“What?” I stared in disgust.
“Alex raped Kendra after a party.”
“Oh God,” I said.
Spencer’s jaw tightened, and he struggled to keep talking.
“Kendra left Kaden because he didn’t believe her. He stood by his brother, who denied everything of course. By then Kaden already had little contact with Alex; you know that their parents’ divorce also kind of drove the brothers apart. But Alex was the big brother, and Kaden had always idolized him when he was younger. Kaden couldn’t believe his brother was capable of rape—let alone attacking his girlfriend. Things between Kendra and Kaden ended pretty badly.” Spencer looked down at the table and pushed around some stray bits of sugar with his finger. “He only found out much later that Kendra had been telling the truth. Kaden’s world fell apart.”
A gasp escaped me, and I grabbed Scott’s arm. He put his hand on mine and squeezed it.
“The incident was hushed up with a lot of money. Otherwise Kaden’s father’s company would have gone down the drain,” Spencer continued. “There’s no way to fix that kind of damage to your reputation.”
I winced. In my mind, I repeated the fragment of conversation that I’d overheard between Alex and Kaden. Everything made more sense now. No wonder Kaden loathed his brother.
“Kaden still blames himself for not believing Kendra right away. And even if he’d never admit it, he’s afraid to hurt and disappoint someone again. I think that’s why he blocks people from getting close to him. He prefers to keep his distance. But you can see for yourself what that’s done to him.”
“But he could’ve talked to me about it,” I sighed, thinking about my own sexual assault and Anderson’s hush money.
Monica sighed. “I think he just didn’t know how. And he was afraid to lose you.”
Her words gave me pause.
“It’s terrible. I mean it. But that doesn’t justify what he did to you, Allie,” Scott insisted.
“People make mistakes,” Monica said without looking at Scott. “I am convinced he regrets it. He’s doing really badly, Allie. He just sits at home and doesn’t talk to anyone but Spencer.”
“Not even me.”
“So what do you do, then?” Ethan asked, irritated.
Spencer shrugged. “Gambling.”
“That’s it?”
He shook his head. “If he doesn’t want to talk, I respect it. I guess he just needs time to digest everything.”
“We have to leave,” Scott reminded me. “Dawn’s getting out of class now.”
“Where are you going?” Monica asked. Her cheery tone sounded forced, but I appreciated her effort to lighten up the mood.
“Apartment visit number seven.”
Monica opened her mouth but Ethan beat her to it: “Are you really looking at apartments?”
“Maybe you should hold off a bit and see what—” Monica managed to begin.
“No,” I interrupted, trying to smile. My heart was being pulled this way and that. “Kaden means a lot to me, but apart from the fact that I can’t have my living situation dependent on someone who is so unreliable with his emotions. I’m done, Monica.”
I stood and tried to take deep, calm breaths.
One, two, three …
Inhale. Exhale. Breathe.
Everything in me cried out for Kaden. I wanted to see him, to take him in my arms and hear straight from him what his friends had just told me, but that was impossible. There was no way.
“Thank you for telling me.” As I left, I pressed my hand on Spencer’s shoulder and smiled at Ethan and Monica.
Spencer reached up for my hand and squeezed it. “Let me know if you need help with your move. That’s the least I can do.”
“Thanks, Spencer.”