Chapter 35
The first morning in my new apartment was great. At least until I realized there was no coffee maker, which checked my mood somewhat.
Kaden had gone back home last night. It seemed right to both of us. On one hand, I wanted him to stay forever. But his recent behavior still hurt. That and our current living situation had definitely drawn a clear line in our relationship. I knew we’d make it, but we both needed time.
The doorbell rang while I was just putting on my makeup. I ran to the door but couldn’t see anyone through the peephole, so I opened it up a crack—and squealed.
On the doormat was a coffee maker. And not just any machine. It was Kaden’s.
Next to it was a blue box. I opened it and couldn’t suppress a joyful cry when I saw all the little bottles of coffee creamer in the most varied flavors, from mint to vanilla to coconut.
I gathered the coffee maker and box in my arms and practically embraced them. Once in the kitchen, I set up the machine and was soon stirring two different creamers into the freshly brewed coffee in one of my brand-new cups. I took a selfie, closing my eyes in pleasure, and sent it with a smiley face to Kaden.
His answer came in less than a minute:
Which flavor?
I smiled and sipped my coffee while typing the answer with one hand.
Coconut and caramel.
Could you be any more disgusting?
The broad grin on my face would probably be stuck there all day.
The second surprise was waiting at my car. Temperatures had dipped below freezing in the last few days, which meant I’d have to scrape frost off the windshield. But no: Someone had done it for me! I pulled my scarf off my face and stared at the car, confused. It took a moment for me to realize it must have been Kaden. And then I saw a square package, wrapped in a crimson bow, sitting on the trunk.
Sitting inside the car, I untied the lopsided ribbon and tore the paper off. The box was full of CDs. Loads of them. I recognized them all from Kaden’s car. He told me that he would never lend them to anyone! I held each disc up: some were bands that Kaden had introduced to me and that I now loved; and others were bands we’d both already been fans of for ages.
I swallowed hard. Each CD had a song or two that connected Kaden and me. When I got to the end of the stack, I found a piece of paper where these specific songs were listed. But he’d added a few more titles to the end of the list—so I decided to play them as I drove to class.
It turned out not to be such a good idea. By the time I pulled into the parking lot, I was ready to cry.
The lyrics were so beautiful and moving that I wanted to turn right around and drive to Kaden. Or should I write him? After all, we were … Well, we hadn’t talked about what we were. I should have felt upset and insecure about being in limbo like this, but weirdly enough I’d never felt so calm and confident. Kaden made me feel complete. And the songs he’d added to his list made me believe that he felt the same about me.
Dawn and Scott joined me for lunch, and I told them about Kaden’s visit the night before without divulging the details of his story. I also told them about his intention to make up for how he’d treated me.
“Hm,” Scott mused, when I was done.
“It seems incredibly romantic and somehow not like Kaden,” mused Dawn. She seemed to have problems reconciling the Kaden I was describing with the Kaden she knew.
“He gave me his coffee maker. I found it at my doorstep this morning. And he scraped all the ice off my windshield. And left his CDs on the trunk. Gift wrapped. With a bow,” the words bubbled out of me.
Dawn rested her chin in her hand. “So beautiful,” she sighed. “Just like in a movie.”
“I don’t think you should soften up just yet, Allie,” Scott warned, waving his fork in front of my nose. “If Micah had pulled that kind of shit, he’d have to deliver much more than music and coffee.”
Well, that put a damper on my euphoria. If you put it that way, Kaden’s gestures weren’t really that special any more.
A tickling sensation feathered along my back, just as Dawn said: “Don’t turn around, Allie.”
Two hands lay on my shoulders, and I froze. Leaning back, I looked up—at Kaden’s amused expression.
“I hear you’re blabbering again,” he said with a smile.
“What are you doing here? Don’t you have communication sciences now?” I asked, and realized I must sound like a stalker. Or a controlling girlfriend. Or ex-girlfriend. Or however he saw me now.
Kaden rubbed his neck. “I had an appointment with my tattoo artist.”
“Did you get a new one?”
He nodded, still wearing that crooked, secretive grin.
“Where? And what?” I pushed. As usual, when his tattoos came to my mind, my heart started to race.
“You wish you knew, right?” His eyes flashed in amusement.
“Maybe a portrait of Allie’s face on your left butt cheek?” Scott asked, and Dawn and I burst into laughter.
“No. Though it’s not a bad idea.”
“Don’t encourage him,” I warned Scott.
Kaden chuckled and leaned over me again. “I have to go. Just wanted to drop off some desserts.”
He set a small, steaming bowl down in front of me. The fragrance of chocolate wafted up. Kaden had brought me a warm brownie.
My eyebrows raised, I glanced over at Scott, but he wasn’t looking my way. Instead, he was staring in amazement at the bag Kaden was holding out to him. He took it gingerly, opened it, and peered inside. “You got me a doughnut?” he asked, incredulous.
“Yes. And for Dawn,” Kaden said, pushing a second bag across the table, “a blueberry muffin.”
“I don’t like—”
“I know. It’s chocolate. So, gotta go,” he interrupted her. Then he leaned toward me, and I froze. For a second I thought he’d try to kiss me. But instead he put his lips to my ear. “I’ll never catch enough of your rays, Allie. You’re beautiful.”
He straightened up, nodded at Scott and Dawn, and left the dining hall.
“Okay, I forgive him,” Dawn said, her mouth full of muffin.
Scott stared at his doughnut. “I want to hate him, but I’ll never succeed if he keeps bringing me doughnuts.”
With my coffee spoon, I cut the brownie in little pieces and then ate one of them. Pointing the spoon at Scott, I said, “Now you know how it is for me.”
“So what are we going to do now?” Dawn asked.
“Eat our dessert?” I sighed. Coffee, music, chocolate. You had to give it to Kaden: He knew how to win over a woman—and her friends, too.
“But that doesn’t mean you’re canceling the roommate search, does it?” Dawn asked. “I mean, we hung up the ads everywhere.”
Not only that, but we’d scheduled an open house at the end of the week, for anyone who wanted to see the room.
“The one has nothing to do with the other.” Scott poked a finger into his doughnut filling, which was somehow both disgusting and cute at the same time. After licking his finger, he gesticulated wildly. “Just because these two have finally started talking to each other doesn’t mean they have to live together again. Maybe the independence will do you both some good.”
He was right. The thing with Kaden and me had nothing to do with our living situation. And aside from the fact that I didn’t need the extra room for myself, the rent was above my budget. So I’d keep looking for a roommate—no matter how tasty our desserts had been.
The week continued this way: Every morning, a little surprise was waiting on my doormat; the car windows had been scraped; and Kaden brought dessert for me and my friends. Every day, he called to see how I was doing, ask about my day. He kept his promise to make me smile every day.
He never kissed me or touched me intimately, which drove me crazy after day two. I—who had asked for more time—was now dying for his closeness. Even though I knew we shouldn’t rush things, each of his gestures was so sweet, that it was hard for me to control my feelings.
Thursday afternoon there was another package waiting outside my door. The box was large and heavy; I grunted as I carried it in and set on my living room table.
Leaving my jacket and scarf in the hall, I opened the package, my fingers tingling. What could Kaden have thought of now?
I wasn’t disappointed.
My rushed scrabbling into the box grew slower: I brushed the Styrofoam packing peanuts aside.
Picture frames. All sorts of different colors and sizes, some with bright patterns and made of different material. But it wasn’t the frames that held my gaze. It was the photos.
Some of the smaller frames held selfies I’d made with Dawn and pictures of me with Scott and Dawn. One glance was enough to make me laugh.
Then there were three medium-sized frames. The first held a black and white photograph of Kaden, Spencer, and me, taken by Monica.
The second image was of Kaden and me. Whoever took it had snapped the shutter at just the right moment: I was sticking out my tongue and Kaden was laughing. I traced my finger across the picture. Those laugh lines made my heart beat fast.
In the third frame was the photo I’d taken of Kaden and me in Portland. Each of us held up an album cover to make it look like the face on the cover was our own. We’d laughed so hard that day, I remember my stomach hurting. It was one of the best days of my life.
And then I dug out the largest frame from the box. It was huge and heavy on my lap. Turning it over, I caught my breath.
It was me. When did he snap this? I sat on the viewing platform looking down into the valley, leaning back on my arms. My hair was wild and windblown; the sky was a mix of red, purple, and orange.
Directly above me was a word in curvy letters.
Freedom.
In one image, Kaden had captured the feeling I had each time we were on the mountain. And I hadn’t noticed. He must have known how much it meant to me.
My eyes were burning with tears, but I was smiling. What a beautiful gift. Attentive, thoughtful, fantastic. I stroked the frames and wished I could hang them all up right now.
But first I had to call Kaden. I grabbed my phone and typed in his number.
“Bubbles.” Somehow the idiotic nickname didn’t bother me anymore.
“Thanks for the pictures.” I paused. My voice betrayed my emotions. Captivated. Excited. Happy. “I don’t even know what to say. They’re wonderful.”
“You’re crying,” Kaden said, with what sounded like a grin. “I actually wanted to make you smile. Is this a good sign or a bad sign?”
Now I had to laugh. “One hundred percent good. But you can’t dump all those frames on me and expect me to hang them up all by myself. Well?”
There was noise in the background, and Kaden cursed. “I stood up so fast that I tripped.”
Laughing, I dabbed at the corners of my eyes.
“I injure myself, and all you can do is laugh,” Kaden grumbled, though he was clearly happy about my call. “I’ll be there in ten minutes?”
It sounded like a question, and I nodded back before remembering that he couldn’t see me.
“Sounds good,” I said, my heart full.
When the doorbell rang, it was all I could do not to run to open it. Still, I was breathless when I saw him standing there.
Kaden gave me his crooked smile and lifted up his toolbox. He walked past me into the living room and pivoted to face me. “So,” he began. “Where do you want the photo wall?”
I followed him into the room, unable to focus on the photos. I wanted to pounce on him, drag him into my bedroom, and smother him with kisses.
“Bubbles?” His deep voice brought me back to this world, and I looked up at him, flushed.
“Yeah?”
“You weren’t paying attention.”
“Sorry.”
“How about here?” he asked, waving his hand toward the wall behind the sofa.
“I don’t know,” I hesitated. “Maybe in the bedroom?”
“You don’t want to hang them in the bedroom, so I’m not even going to take them in there,” Kaden said confidently.
“How can you be so sure?”
“I know you,” he murmured, taking a folding yardstick out of his toolbox. He turned and looked at me. “I’d suggest we raise them up higher. Otherwise if you lean your head back, you’ll hit them. What do you think?”
I nodded. It made sense.
“In what order should we hang them?”
Looking at the photos, I tried out a few options in my head. “Kind of random, not in a row.”
Kaden nodded. “Why don’t you arrange them while I look for the right nails.”
Laying the photos on the floor, I shifted them around until I found a cute arrangement.
“What do you think?” I asked Kaden. He stepped behind me and looked over my shoulder. My heartbeat sped up.
“Looks good. Maybe a little more distance between them?” he mused. “The wall is pretty wide, and we don’t want them to look squished together.”
“I trust you.” I tilted my head back and looked up at him.
For a second he seemed confused, but then smiled, content. Then he got to work. He climbed on the couch and started hammering nails into the wall, while I handed him the frames. After checking with a level to see that the second frame was straight, Kaden asked me to hold the hammer while he took off his sweater. As he pulled it over his head, his shirtsleeve inched up his arm.
“Wait.”
The word burst out of my mouth. I stared at Kaden’s raised arm. His shoulders tightened, and he tried to lower his arm, but I grabbed him and turned him so I could see the inside of his bicep. It was fresh, black lettering.
Not broken, just bent.
With one finger I traced the lines softly. Kaden winced but didn’t move otherwise.
“What is that?” I whispered, raising my eyes to look into his. Kaden seemed almost insecure.
“Your words,” he replied just as softly. His eyes were dark and full. “The words that made me believe in myself again. The words that drove me mad because I couldn’t believe someone could see me the way you do.” He swallowed hard.
My mind went back to that day at the waterfall. To our conversation and all the hidden signals he’d sent me. To everything we’d confided in each other.
You’re not broken, Kaden. Maybe just a little bent.
“You put … those are my words … on your skin,” I blurted out, staring again at the looping letters. The skin under the tattoo was still slightly red and puffy.
“Everything about you gets under my skin, Allie.” Kaden got down from the couch and stood facing me. His Adam’s apple moved as he swallowed, and my gaze flew from his eyes to the tattoo, then back to his lips. “I’m really trying to take it slow, Bubbles. But if you keep looking at me like that … no guarantees.”
I couldn’t stop looking. I didn’t want to. Right now I had only one need—to show Kaden how much I’d missed him.
“Please, Kaden,” I said, my voice heavy.
A sound came from somewhere deep inside him and he pulled me close. His lips were pressed hard against mine, his arms wrapped around me. It almost hurt—but I didn’t stop it. He sighed as my lips opened for him, and my tongue slipped into his mouth. My legs sank but Kaden caught me, and we sank together onto the couch. I clung to him, put everything into my kiss: the moments of pain, of overwhelming loneliness, the joy he’d brought to my life, and all the longing of the past few days and nights. Everything.
Kaden moaned into my neck. My hands explored his body, and it felt like the first time. My heart beat wildly. Our kiss grew softer but no less urgent. Kaden lay me gently on my back, brushing my cheeks, my forehead, my neck with his tender lips.
“I love you.”
I froze beneath him.
“What did you just say?” I whispered.
“I love you,” he murmured. “I love you so much that it almost hurts.”
I ran my fingers through his hair and along his jawline. But as I began to tug at his shirt, he grabbed my hand and held it over my head.
He gazed into my eyes for a long time. A crooked grin appeared on his face. He almost seemed a bit shy. “Wow, Bubbles. It’s the first time I’ve managed to stun you into silence.”
It was like he was trying to lighten the charged atmosphere. After getting my breathing back under control, I quipped, “I didn’t know it hurt to love me.”
His mouth twitched. “If you only knew.”
“What do you mean, it hurts?” I asked, intending to make him smile. But to my surprise Kaden started to search for the right words.
“It’s like my whole body is on fire … but in a good way. Everything contracts in me and at the same time it explodes, if I see you or smell you or … I’m really bad at describing this kind of thing.” Now he wore a dangerous grin. He lowered his head and sucked my lower lip between his teeth. “I’m better at this.”
He kissed me again. His weight bore down on me, but I wanted him even closer. I tugged at his shirt.
In a flash he broke free and sat up, lifting me so I was now straddling his lap. The tips of our noses touched, and Kaden’s eyes sparkled up close.
“I’ve got so much planned,” he said.
I tilted my head. “More presents?”
“Of course, Bubbles.”
“Good. I’ve gotten used to having dessert served to me at noon.” I wiggled my eyebrows the way Scott always did.
“I’ve got something very special planned for tomorrow,” Kaden continued, leaning back. He put his hands on my hips and pulled me even closer.
“And that’s why you want to leave now,” I concluded.
“No,” he answered, surprised. “Unless you’re kicking me out.”
I shook my head.
“Good. So, since I planned something big for tomorrow, I’d like to …” He tugged my shirt down in a gentle movement so that it covered my belly again.
“You want to take it slow.”
Kaden gave a quick nod. And then made a face. “No. I wouldn’t say that’s what I ‘want’ to do, Bubbles. But I want to earn it.” His voice sounded husky and his half-smile looked kind of sad.
“I know you’re sorry, Kaden,” I said, touching his cheek. “And I forgive you. Forgave you already, in fact.”
He nestled his face in my hand. “Then just wait till tomorrow.”
“Brownies again?” I asked.
Kaden shook his head. “Better. Much better.”