Chapter Four
Lindsey
Tuesday
I was doing my best not to loose the positivity I’d started the day out with. Okay, so I had turned down the one role because of the whole nudity thing, but that didn’t have to be the end of my career. I could still find a way to make it work. I just needed to keep positive, motivated, and strong.
Stop stalling, I told myself crossly. Just take a break and get back to it. There has to be something for me.
I padded across to the kitchen, blinking my eyes rapidly trying to adjust to the light away from the computer screen. Keeping motivated was not as easy as it should have been. I wasn’t sure what it was, but nothing seemed right. Every audition I looked through just didn’t feel like it was the one for me. I couldn’t be fussy, but I couldn’t go for more roles that weren’t for me. I didn’t want to get blacklisted because I kept turning stuff down.
I flicked the kettle on and rested my back against the counter with my head tipped back and my eyes closed. With my scruffy hair pulled back into a bun, my face make up free, and sweat pants covering my body, I felt even less secure than usual, and that was probably affecting my decision making. Maybe I needed to make myself look good so I’d feel more capable of anything…
“Helloooo!” a sing-song voice called out through the apartment, dragging me out of my thoughts. “Honey, I’m home.”
“Hey, Denise,” I chuckled. “I’ve just switched the kettle on. Do you want a hot drink?”
“Yes, for sure.” Denise swarmed in the room and dropped a selection of shopping bags on the couch. I couldn’t stop the tight knot of jealousy from twisting around in my gut. I wanted shopping bags. I glanced down at my worn outfit, hating that it felt like I had nothing. “I’m pooped. I just got paid from that commercial, as you can tell… Do you want to see some of the stuff I bought?”
No, I thought desperately.
“Sure,” I said out loud with a bit of a fake smile on my face. I couldn’t let Denise know how upset I was, not when I’d let her down by turning down that role. “Let me see.”
I tried to block it out as she showed me everything she’d brought, I did my best to blur out the outfits in front of my eyes and listen only to the whistling of the kettle instead, but I couldn’t. I kept seeing beautiful, buttery-soft clothes that looked so appealing I wanted to cry. I had to keep gulping back the thick ball of emotion that lodged firmly in the back of my throat.
“Oh my God.” The words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them. I didn’t mean to speak, but then the next item of clothing came out, shocking me to my very core.
The dress. The red dress from Barneys’ window flashed in front of my eyes, making me cringe inside. I hadn’t told Denise that I wanted it, there was no reason for me to feel betrayed, but I did anyway. A heat raced through my body at a million miles an hour, crushing me.
But then I noticed Denise looking at me strangely, and I knew that I needed to correct myself. “It’s just so beautiful,” I finished lamely. “You’ll look amazing in that.”
Probably better than I would anyway, I told myself firmly. There’s no point in being jealous, it’s fine.
“Urgh, I know right?” she laughed. Her eyes spotted the computer screen and her whole face lit up. “Ah, you’re looking for more work. How’s that going?”
“It’s going,” I replied vaguely. “I think I need to widen my search a bit.” I wanted to shock her. I wasn’t sure why, just because I was a little bit sick of feeling inferior. It wasn’t something that Denise did intentionally, but it affected me all the same. “I think I’ll have to reconsider my view on nude scenes.”
Her face broke into a smile. “Well, that’s wonderful news, Lindsey. I’m really proud of you. You’re taking a positive step in the right direction. If you’re doing something that scares you, then chances are the reward will be much bigger anyway.”
“Hmm,” I mumbled hoping that she was right.
You might be proud of me, but would my mother be?
Tears welled up in my eyes, but I blinked them away rapidly and shook my head. No way was I going to think about my mother and what she would think about my life right now. I couldn’t allow myself to sink into that depressive hole.
Luckily before either of us could say anything more, one of our phones rang out. I grabbed mine and stared at the screen, but it was black as ever. It had to be Denise.
“Well, hello there,” Denise purred into her phone in a flirty tone of voice. “Fancy hearing from you again. How’s it going, Max?”
Max? I didn’t think I could remember a Max. I turned my back to Denise and finished off the hot drinks. As I circled the spoon in the mug, I couldn’t help overhearing the conversation, or at least one end of it.
“That sounds like fun.” Her tone had turned more professional which made me wonder whether or not it was a job. “I would love to do that, but unfortunately, I have another job then, so I won’t be able to.” I tried not to roll my eyes. I wanted to be in a position to turn down a job.
“Oh my God, that’s the pay?” She sounded shocked. “Well, if that’s the case, I might have someone else who’s interested in the job.” Her hand tapped my shoulder which made me spin around slowly. Was she offering my services for something? I wasn’t sure I much liked the idea of that even if it did sound like something that would be well paid. “Yeah I have this friend… Oh, she’s great. Uhuh. Uhuh. Great, send me the details. Good speaking to you, Max.”
As soon as Denise hung up the phone, her eyes lit up in shock. I gulped fearfully as I waited for her to lay whatever she had planned on me. My heart thundered in my chest, my mouth ran bone dry, I could feel my breaths coming out sharp and ragged. I didn’t like this one bit.
“So, that was Max…”
“Yeah, I guessed that much.” I didn’t mean to say that so sharply, but it came out that way regardless. “What did ‘Max’ have to say?”
“He has a job offer for you, and it is very well paid.” She winked at me. “I’m talking five figures, enough to pay the rent for a few months. Sounding more appealing now?”
On the one hand, of course it was. I needed that cash, desperately. I wouldn’t go and flash it on clothes, though; I would use it to get myself out of the hole that I currently found myself in. I would be able to relax for a few months until I got myself a job that I really wanted to do.
On the other hand… “What would I be expected to do?” I asked cautiously. “That’s a lot of money, what would I have to do for it?” All of a sudden, nudity wasn’t looking like such an issue, after all.
“Well, it isn’t so much a traditional acting job,” she started. “You would have to pretend to be someone’s girlfriend for a night.”
I recoiled back in horror. “Like an escort?” Surely, Denise did not think I would be okay with that. I would like to think that I gave a good enough impression of myself that she wouldn’t think I would really sell my body? We joked about it, but it wouldn’t ever happen.
“No, not like an escort,” she laughed a bellowing sound from the pit of her stomach. “It would literally be for a meal. Max’s friend has some bullshit family drama which will only be cooled if he’s seen out with a nice girlfriend. All you have to do is pretend to be his lady for a few hours and bam, you’re rolling in it.”
It sounded too good to be true, which meant it had to be. “What’s the catch?” I demanded. “What’s wrong with the guy?”
“He’s a Britt,” Denise shrugged. “Maybe that means something to you. It doesn’t to me. He’s rich as all hell and has a pain in the ass family. That’s as far as the catch goes.”
My brain spun. I didn’t know what to think about it all. It really did sound like the ideal thing for me at the moment, which made me suspicious. No nudity, just a few hours, a big payout. The why part I didn’t totally get. but that wasn’t for me to figure out. I just had to do what was requested of me: I had to become someone else for a short while, just like with any other acting job.
“Why aren’t you doing it?” I asked Denise. “If it’s so good.” It didn’t make sense, surely this was the sort of thing that Denise would have loved to do.
“You need the money more than me.” She stared down at her phone screen as some messages bleeped through. “Plus I have another job on that night, I wasn’t lying about that part. Plus… I have a bit of a history with Max. I don’t want it to get even more complex.” She shrugged and popped her gum. “You know how it is.”
“Right,” I practically whispered. “Okay.”
I slugged my drink back desperately, trying to clear my mind a little bit. The tea had started to go a little cold so it wasn’t much use, but I kept on drinking regardless. I just needed something to do with my hands while I tried to work out what I was going to do about all of this.
“Okay, that was Max. He wants you to meet him and his friend on Friday night at seven at Bijous. Can you do that?” I nodded numbly. “Don’t make any decisions before then if you don’t want to, just go and meet with them and see what you think. I would do it if I were you since this seems like the perfect way to keep your head above water, but of course it’s up to you.” She gathered up her bags and swept towards her bedroom. “See you later, okay?”
“Yeah,” I replied absentmindedly. “See ya.”
I strolled back over to the computer now armed with another option. I would scroll through the jobs for a little while longer – I had to just in case there was something amazing out there that I was missing – but at least I had another option now. Maybe it wasn’t ideal, maybe it wouldn’t be easy, but it was much better than standing naked in front of a load of people. It would also be better than doing a play from Hitler’s point of view, something I knew would be very insensitive.
I sighed, realizing just how much my morals were holding me back, but I just couldn’t let go of them. I hadn’t been left with much in my life after…well, after the tragedy that shook up my youth completely, but my morals I did have. Without them, I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. Maybe if I could do this silly fake girlfriend thing and still keep them intact it wouldn’t be so bad after all.
Argh, I thought as I rubbed my eyes hard. When did everything get so damn hard? And why aren’t there any signs of it getting any easier?