Chapter Sixteen
Lindsey
Monday
“Are you…singing?” Denise asked me, apparently horrified at my attempt at being tuneful. Her eyes narrowed in on me as watched my face twist up into a happy smile.
“I think it’s more like humming,” I giggled as I swiped the cloth along the kitchen counter. “But yeah, I suppose so.” I shrugged and continued to clean as if it wasn’t so weird to find me so happy, especially not this early in the morning. The sun had barely even peeked its head out.
“And why, might I ask, are you so happy this morning?” She flopped down into the couch and looked up at me curiously. “Oh!” She bolted into a much more upright position as something hit her hard. “Oh my God. The barbecue. What happened? How was it? Judging by the smile on your face, it wasn’t anywhere near as horrific as the dinner.”
The memory of Adam and his incredible body pressed up against me flooded my mind. I could feel the smile growing brighter and my whole body language opening again. I just couldn’t help myself, I was over the moon. Yes, there were complications. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew that much – but at the same time, he made me feel incredible. And he wanted to see me again. I was the luckiest woman alive. I felt lighter than air.
“It was good, actually,” I replied coyly. “Really good.” I shook my head as reality hit. “I mean, the actual barbecue was terrible. We were only there for a very short time. Adam got into a huge argument with his brother, it was a shit storm.”
“Oh my God.” Denise’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree at the thought of some juicy gossip. “What happened? What was the argument about?”
“Erm, me, actually.” I cold feel a heat creeping up in my cheeks as I admitted that. “Brandon made some disparaging remarks about me being unintelligent because I want to be an actress, so he went crazy…”
“Holy shit.” Denise’s fingers curled around the couch as the excitement grew inside of her. “I mean, what a dick. How dare his brother assume that actresses are dumb; but on the other hand, Adam stood up for you against his brother, in front of his whole family. That’s insane.”
“I know.” A warmth filled my chest. That had to mean something, even Denise had pretty much just admitted it then. He liked me…as crazy as it was, it seemed like the truth.
“Is he a drama queen?”
“Huh?” Denise’s question was totally unexpected and knocked me sideways a bit.
“Well.” She pursed out her lips thoughtfully. “Do you think he might thrive off drama? If he has no job, then maybe he likes to fill his time up with drama. Maybe that’s what all of this is about. Maybe he’s brought you into the mix of his family just to spice things up a bit.”
Her words washed ice cold water over me, sickening me to my stomach. How could she even think that? She didn’t know Adam at all. He really didn’t seem that way to me. To be honest, I had him pegged as totally the opposite, someone who actually wanted a quiet life. That was why he’d asked for a fake girlfriend, isn’t it? To get his family off his back.
“I don’t know about that.” I bristled defensively. “I don’t think it’s like that, at all.”
“Oh my God.” Again Denise’s eyes flashed. She could sense something within me, she could smell it out like a sniffer dog. “Something happened between you.” She looked incredibly self satisfied as she recognized the truth. “You said that the barbecue was awful, but something has made you happy. Plus, I haven’t seen you all weekend.”
I could hardly deny it with the massive beaming smile across my face, so I nodded and admitted the truth instead. I didn’t want to hide it, anyway. What happened between me and Adam was absolutely awesome, I was proud of it, there was a big part of me that wanted Denise to know because then we could finally talk about it.
“You…” She looked like she was struggling for words, which wasn’t surprising considering it had been a very long time since I’d had any boy-related news. “You fool!”
“What?” I exclaimed in shock. “What do you mean?”
I felt sick. I thought she was going to be proud of me. I certainly didn’t expect that pitying look on her face as she looked at me like I was a child that had missed a trick. I folded my arms across my chest and glanced down at the ground to try and keep my emotions locked inside.
“I mean… This is a job, Lindsey, please don’t forget that.” Denise continued in a much softer tone of voice. “Adam is paying you. He is giving you money for your company, remember that this is an acting job, not an escorting job.”
I knew that Denise only had my best interests at heart, but I couldn’t stop my head from swimming and churning with rage-fuelled emotions. I stared up at her with wide shocked eyes as her words washed over me, threatening to swallow me up whole.
“I know that,” I all but yelled. “I’m very aware that this is an acting job, but the fact that we slept together was real.” The memories flicked through my mind, the feel of his touch, the kindness of his words… That whole moment was more real than anything that had ever come before. That was why I was still smiling about it now – or at least I was until Denise started all of this. “We have something together, it isn’t just…just…” I trailed off, unsure what to say.
Denise moved by my side and she put her arm over my shoulder in a comforting gesture. A childish part of me wanted to shake it off, but I didn’t. I simply froze instead.
“I know this isn’t easy to say, but you just need to be careful, Lindsey. I don’t want you to end up getting hurt. I don’t know much about this guy, but since money is exchanging hands I think that you need to treat this like any other acting job.”
“But…” I couldn’t stop myself from sounding like a child. A small lost girl who didn’t know where the hell to look. “But he’s invited me out again. To a Christmas dinner next week.”
“With his family?” I shook my head, hating the way that Denise was twisting my words and zapping the happiness from me. “Oh. And not on Christmas Day? Why not?”
“I don’t know.” Actually, that was a good point. I didn’t even think about that before. “Adam didn’t say. He just invited me and I agreed to go along.” I shrugged and acted like I didn’t care, but really it was messing with my mind. Now I had nothing but questions in my mind. “I was just happy that he wanted to see me again, you know?”
“Did he offer to pay you for this Christmas dinner?” I didn’t even bother to answer that, which gave Denise everything that she needed to know. She sighed loudly and stepped away from me as if I disappointed her. “Look, just don’t get too wrapped up in your role, that’s all.”
I grabbed the cloth and cleaned even harder as Denise’s words circled through me. She moved back over to the couch and sat back down. I heard the television flick on, but knew Denise wasn’t watching it because I could feel her eyes prickling over my skin. Tears filled my eyes as I realized how she saw me. Denise viewed me as a naïve child who didn’t know what guys wanted…and maybe she was right.
Maybe Adam did bring me to the events to stir up some drama and then we hooked up just because I was there. Maybe he was a real playboy and the words that I thought were very real were just carefully crafted to make every woman feel that way. Could I be so stupid? Could I be that much of an idiot? I hated to think about it.
So why the hell did I still want to see him again?
There was a big part of me that was still excited to see Adam, to spend time with him, to enjoy this mysterious Christmas dinner. The questions that Denise had opened up in my mind had only created a mystery in my mind and I couldn’t help wanting to solve it. I knew that if I pulled back from Adam now I would always wonder “what if?” and I didn’t want that regret hanging over my head.
“Are you okay, Lindsey?” Denise asked me cautiously and quietly. “I am sorry.”
I looked up at her and plastered a fake smile on my face. I didn’t want her to know that I was hurting; it wasn’t her fault. “Yeah, I’m good. Just thinking, you know?”
“Okay. I have been thinking, too.” I saw her eyebrows furrow as she tried her best to think of her next words carefully. “I just wanted to know what your Christmas Day plans are?”
My chest tightened, my breaths instantly became much shallower at her words. I’d spent the entirety of December not thinking about Christmas because it was without a doubt the hardest time of year for me. It was when I felt at my absolute loneliest. My heart pounded heavily, and I could feel my stomach constrict. I had to grip onto the kitchen counter just to keep myself standing upright. Denise knew that I couldn’t answer that with ease – she was the one person who understood that I didn’t have anywhere in the world to go.
“I don’t know,” I rasped quietly while clutching onto my chest. “I haven’t thought too much about it yet. I’ll probably just hang out in the apartment. Make no big deal of it.”
“You know that you can always come to my family’s home for the day, don’t you? The offer is always there.” She’d made it before, but I was yet to take her up on it. I wasn’t sure why, it just hadn’t ever happened. “I would love it if you came.”
“Thank you, Denise.” The walls were closing in on me. I couldn’t be in the same room as anyone anymore. I needed to be alone. I just hoped that my friend understood. She was giving me a sympathetic enough look, so I guessed as much. “I will think about it.”
“Sure, sure, just you know, let me know. I would love to spend the time with you over the holidays. My mother would, too; you know how much she adores you.”
“Yeah, I know.” I couldn’t take it anymore. I was getting overwhelmed. “Thanks.”
I dropped my cloth and staggered from the room right into my bedroom. I slammed the door behind me and collapsed onto the bed as the tears finally got the better of me. All the happiness that I’d been experiencing not so long ago was long gone and now all I could think about were the bad things: the loneliness, the sadness, the loss. I was so excited to spend time with Adam before, but now I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I just felt like shit about absolutely everything, and I didn’t know how to come back from it.
I’d been down this hole of depression before. I sure as hell didn’t want to go down it again. I knew better than anyone it was a challenge to claw myself back out of it. And I hadn’t even mentioned the weight thing to Denise. How much would she feel sorry for me if she knew that I couldn’t get any work? I was a pathetic mess.