Chapter Thirty-Three
Adam
Friday
“Hmph, you there?” I muttered while patting the bed next to me. “Lindsey?” In my mind, she’d just been kissing me all over, her lips driving me crazy, but the bed was so cold that none of it could’ve been the truth. “You there?”
I bolted upright in bed at the realization hit me that I was completely alone – and for good reason, too. I acted like a crazy douche bag yesterday and had lashed out at absolutely everyone. I shot down Brandon for being a massive dick, I ignored my mom and my dad, too, just at the moment that things were potentially about to get good, and I yelled and swore at Lindsey. There was no coming back from that.
Mind you, there was no coming back from what she said to me, either.
My blood ran cold when I remembered her icy words. She actually thought that Brandon was okay by talking to me that way. The fact that my entire family had always treated Brandon like the golden boy affected me deeply. More than I ever could imagine. Of course, that was much more my father than my mother, but the damage was real.
It made my veins bubble and boil at the thought of Lindsey feeling the same way. The thought that she might prefer Brandon to me was killer. Or even if she thought that he was right even once. How could she think that she knew more than me? I’d been living it forever.
No, I shook my head angrily. No way. I couldn’t take it. I wouldn’t. I was better off without her. If she couldn’t see things from my point of view then I just didn’t need her.
I pushed myself off the bed and headed into the shower. I grabbed my cell phone to take with me, but as soon as I saw the number of missed called from Lindsey I dropped it like a hot potato. I didn’t want to even think about her trying to contact me. I didn’t want to speak with her ever again. As soon as I plucked up the courage, I would delete and block her number, hopefully to never speak with her again.
Once in the bathroom I flicked the water on and I slumped onto the toilet to throw my head into my hands. I’d felt pretty shitty in my life, I’d done many things I felt bad about this, but none of them as bad as this. I knew that Lindsey was a great girl in many ways; she was pretty, she was fun to be around, she was awesome, she got on with my family, and she made the kids at the orphanage happy, too. It was just a shame that she would never be the one for me. Not now.
I stepped under the steaming jets of water and tried to unwind. I needed the heat to loosen up my muscles, but it didn’t do a damn thing. I was as tense and stressed as ever. Spiteful thoughts swirled around and around in my mind until I couldn’t think anymore.
Fucking Brandon, what a horrible jerk… Screw him…screw all of them… Lindsey, too. How dare she say that Brandon had something else to be sad about?
I mean, what could he possibly have to cause him pain? What could possibly bother him? He had it all… my father’s love, the job he loved, his wife. Just because I hated her, didn’t mean he did. He had everything. There was no reason in hell to assume that he had anything wrong. He was just an asshole, the sooner Lindsey came to realize that, the better.
Not that she’d come to realize anything. She was gone now. Not coming back.
Knock, knock… Knock, knock… Knock, knock…
Oh my God, I couldn’t catch a break. With sheer rage bursting through me I jumped out of the shower and raced to the front door with Lindsey’s face in my head. I had a feeling she’d be dumb enough to come to the house to try and sort things out. I did not want to see her, and I’d soon let her know…
“Oh. Mom, it’s you.” My rage trailed off as soon as I realized this wasn’t the person I needed to feel angry at. This was Mom, someone who always tried to stick up for me even if she did so quietly. I couldn’t be mad at her no matter what. “Come inside.”
As she entered into my house, she stumbled a little, which left my grabbing out to catch her. She wasn’t usually one to stumble. I’d never noticed her struggling before, but there was something about the trip then that grabbed my attention and dragged it away from all the petty bullshit in my life. I narrowed my eyes at her and tried to work out what was going on.
“Mom, are you okay? What’s going on?”
“Oh sure, I’m fine.” She rubbed her forehead, looking flustered. “I think with all the stress last night I didn’t sleep much, so I’m tired. How are you doing?”
Guilt flooded me. I hated how much all of this affected her. I knew it wasn’t fair but what could I do? I tried being the bigger person. I didn’t react over Christmas, I behaved myself and it still made no difference. I hoped Mom understood that it wasn’t me.
“Pissed off about it all, but it’s just standard, isn’t it? Same old, same old, nothing is going to change. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember, and I’m sure it’ll continue on.”
Mom took a seat in my dining room, collapsing into the seat as if she was weary. I remained where I was for a moment just watching her. Had she always looked so weak? Did I spend so much time focused on the fight with my family that I forgot to pay attention to Mom?
“I wish something would change,” she said sadly. “I hate it being so fraught all the time. I thought that Lindsey coming into the picture would change things…”
I huffed loudly and took a seat by her. My eyes fell closed as I had to confess the damn truth. “Well, I don’t think you need to worry about that anymore. Lindsey is gone.”
“What do you mean, gone?” Mom looked horrified and I could hardly blame her. It wasn’t exactly a secret that she loved Lindsey, she wouldn’t be impressed about what had happened.
“We’re done, Mom.” I ripped the band aid off rapidly, trying to ease the pain. “It’s over.”
“Over?” She gasped as if she was actually physically hurt. “Why?”
I hung my head low, hating the sensation that I was a crushing disappointment yet again. Just for once I would like to be the person who made my family proud, but that ship had long sailed. Any other family would be proud of someone who spent their time giving something back, like I did to the orphanage, but I didn’t have a normal family.
“We just are, Mom. It’s done and that’s the end of it.” She gave me a look, forcing me to continue. “She just said a load of bullshit last night about what I said to Brandon…”
“Yeah, I can’t imagine that went down well since she doesn’t have her family anymore.”
I did not need that reminder. “I know, Mom. Obviously, I wasn’t thinking when I said that, but she still didn’t need to stick up for Brandon, did she? She didn’t need to say that I was the one in the wrong when he started. He always starts it, you know that better than anyone.”
“Yeah, I’ll give you that,” she agreed quietly. “I know he always starts it, but that’s because he’s jealous of you.” I rolled my eyes. I knew that much. “And now he’s even more jealous of you. You’ve got someone in your life that you love and that loves you back.”
“He’s married, Mom. Don’t forget that.”
“Yeah, he is married. Married to that woman.” She shook her head rapidly. “He isn’t happy with her, is he? Any idiot can see that. He got married to her because she’s beautiful and your father liked her. He thought she’d be a good shot, I guess in his short sighted way he thought it’d be okay. Little did he know that she’d be turn out to be…well, exactly how she is.”
“Yeah…maybe.” I could understand that. Helen was an awful person, truly terrible. One of the worst people that I’d ever met. I suppose Brandon had to see it really, even if he didn’t want to. “But what has that got to do with me? Precisely nothing.”
“Oh, sweetie, can’t you just go and make it right?”
Of course that was why she was here. She wanted everything to be okay again to make her life easier. Just because of the sorry look she was giving me and the way she didn’t look great, I almost agreed to do it, but I couldn’t. There was no way. Brandon and I had been through too much. I’d tried and failed. I always kept my problems to myself, I didn’t make them his. There wasn’t any reason for him to make his problems mine.
“Mom, there isn’t going to be any come back from this, what’s done is done. I would love to do it for you but I can’t. I can’t keep dealing with his shit, it’s killing me. I can’t keep worrying about what shitty thing he’s going to say next. I just don’t want to know him anymore. He’s toxic, and I need him out of my life.”
Mom sighed loudly and that guilt was back, but I couldn’t keep living for other people. It wasn’t right. If there was one thing I’d learned in all of this mess, it was that I needed to live for me. “I understand. I mean, it’s a massive shame to see my boys fighting. I would much rather everyone be friends, but it isn’t going to happen that way.” She paused for a moment before she took my hand. “But what about Lindsey? You can’t lose her over this.”
I snatched my hand away and huffed. I couldn’t deal with this any longer, I’d done nothing but think about it. My brain had gone round and round in circles, thinking about this from every angle and the answer was still the same.
“Mom, I just told you that I need to get rid of everything toxic. That includes Lindsey.”
“Oh, Adam. Don’t be silly!” she started speaking to me like I was a child. “Lindsey isn’t toxic; she was just trying to make you see things from another point of view.”
“I don’t need to see this from anyone else’s point of view. I need to see it from my own. I can’t keep doing any of this for everyone else. I’m sick of making everyone happy. I’m sorry, I know that isn’t what you want to hear, but that’s how it is.”
Mom sighed and pushed her chair backwards, getting ready to leave. As she did, I could see the sheer agony on her face. I wasn’t sure if that was to do with me or something to do with her current condition, but I didn’t feel brave enough to ask. I already felt bad enough about myself, I didn’t need her words making me feel worse.
“I suppose I better go then.” She stared down at me hard. “Just think about your relationships, Adam. You don’t want to end up a very lonely man, do you? I know that you don’t.”
I didn’t answer her, but I didn’t have to. She knew that I didn’t want to end up by myself as well as I did. But what was I supposed to do next? How could I get out of this mess with my sanity intact?