Holding my hand out in front of me, Collin sighs regretfully as he drops the keys to his car into my palm.

“Be careful, and call me as soon as you find him,” Collin tells me as I walk around him towards the door.

I nod my agreement, keeping my head down as I sneak around the nurse’s station and make my way to the elevators.

A few minutes later, I pull into DJ’s driveway and shut off the car. I probably could have taken up where Collin left off and started searching bars, but it would be like chasing my own tail. DJ has to come home eventually and I’m going to be here, waiting for him when he does. I overheard Collin and Dax talking quietly last night when the morphine began to pull me under and they were worried that he might do something stupid and reckless. Something permanent that would take him from this world so he wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of thinking that he’d lost me. The only thing keeping me calm at this moment is the knowledge that he would never hurt his family like that. He would never put his parents, his sisters and his nieces and nephews through something so horrible.

Getting out of the car, I head up to his front porch, cursing myself for not being smart enough to realize his door would be locked. Turning around, I lean my back against the front door and slide down to my butt. Hugging my knees up to my chest and resting my chin on top of them, I close my eyes and think about all the things I want to say to DJ when I see him again.

“Buddy, wake up!”

I jerk awake, wiping the drool from my chin as I take in my surroundings. Ripped and stained black leather seats, window partition splattered with fluids I don’t even want to know about and an irritated man staring at me through the dirty window.

Shit, taxi.

Leaning to the side, I grab my wallet out of the back of my pants and toss all the bills I have through the open section of the partition and get out of the cab as fast as I can. Thank God I slept for the entire hour and half ride or the smell coming from that thing would have made me throw up the entire bottle of whiskey I consumed through the night that is currently churning in my stomach.

I stand on the curb in front of my house, staring after the cab as it pulls away, squinting in irritation at the bright sunlight that amplifies my headache. When I turn around, I groan at the sight of Collin’s car in my driveway. I don’t want to fucking see him or talk to him right now. I don’t want to be around anyone, which is why I threw my cell phone to the ground as soon as I got to the bar last night and stomped the shit out of it until there was nothing left but teeny, tiny broken pieces.

Just like my goddamn heart.

I don’t want to walk in that fucking front door. She lived in that house with me and everywhere I look I’m going to see her, smell her and remember her. I’m going to picture her curled up on the couch watching a movie, standing in the kitchen loading up the dishwasher or lying on my bed, tempting me as I tried to get dressed. I’m going to see her in the shower, in the hallway, in the reflection of every motherfucking plate. I could walk away and never step foot in that house again, never have to feel the pain of losing her breaking apart my chest every time I take a breath. I seriously consider it, just walking away from my house, wandering aimlessly down the sidewalk until my legs give out. Not packing up my things, not saying good-bye, just disappearing into the wind like she did. I think of my mother, my father, my sisters and their children and I know that as much as I want to leave, I can’t. They love me, they depend on me and their hearts would ache as much as mine is right now if I did that to them.

Like the dumb fuck I am, I turn and make my way slowly up the driveway, giving Collin’s car the finger as I walk around it. I’m a glutton for punishment. Even though I don’t want to go inside that house, I have to go inside. I have to smell her on my sheets one last time, I have to pick up the clothes she strewed at the end of my bed, lift them up to my nose and let the scent of her skin and perfume surround me. There’s also extra strength aspirin in the kitchen that will hopefully put an end to the marching band that’s taken up residence in my head.

I try not to, but I silently curse Collin in my head as I go up the walk, digging through my pockets for my house keys. He’s going to tell me how sorry he is, he’s going to tell me it wasn’t my fault, and then he’s going to go home to Finnley and get to touch her, hold her and stare at her as much as he wants.

My feet angrily stomp up the steps and I stare down at them as each one pounds into the wood, wishing I could rip my heart out of my chest and do the same to it. Just pound it to dust like my phone so it didn’t have to sit there like a half-dead fish inside my chest, coming back to life every few seconds to flop around and remind me it’s trying to live, but is missing the one thing it needs the most – oxygen. Phina was my oxygen. I don’t want to breathe without her. It hurts too much to even try.

I get to the last step and pause as I finally manage to pull the tangled set of keys out of my pocket, flipping through them to find the gold house key. When I finally find it, I look up, and the keys slip through my fingers and clatter to the floor of the porch.

Goddammit. God fucking dammit.

I knew walking up to this house was going to be hard, but I thought I’d have at least a few minutes before I started to lose my fucking mind. I see her, clear as day, curled up on her side at the foot of my door, fast asleep.

I clench my eyes closed as tightly as possible and bring my fists up to rub them angrily. When I open them again, she’s still there, looking more beautiful than anything in my memory. Her knees are pulled up to her chest and her hands are tucked under her cheek just like they always are when she sleeps.