Broken and Screwed 2

He’d been waiting for me.

I reached for the door, ready to pull it behind me as I stepped inside his room. But I stopped. My hand fell away from the handle and my gut dropped to my feet. Whatever Jesse had to say to me wasn’t going to be well received. I saw the warning in him and knew I was going to hate it, whatever it was. So I left the door open and leaned against the wall behind me now.

He stayed on the bed.

I stayed in the hallway.

It was time.

“Why didn’t you tell me about your parents?”

He looked down at the ground. My lips parted. Why was he looking down? Why wasn’t he looking at me? Alarms went off in me, but I pushed past it. He felt bad. That must’ve been it. He felt bad because he didn’t know.

I shrugged even though he couldn’t see that. He still wasn’t looking.

“Alex?” He looked up now.

I didn’t relax. He was still guarded. “What’s going on with you?” His eyes closed, but I saw the guilt. My voice rose. “What’d did you do?”

“Nothing.”

“Then why do you feel guilty?” I stepped towards him, but stopped again. An invisible hand pushed down on my chest. I couldn’t go any closer. “What is going on right now?”

“Nothing.” Jesse stood now, but there it was again. Dread.

I saw it. I knew that’s what it was. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I whispered as I looked away and pressed a hand to my mouth, “You were supposed to take me in your arms. You’re supposed to tell me that everything will be fine. You’re supposed to make it right.” At least that was how it was supposed to go in my fairytale dreams. Jesse saved me. He’d been there from the beginning. But that wasn’t how this was going? Doom settled in the bottom of my stomach. It was spreading all the way to my toes and I wanted to rewind time. I wanted to figure out where this started going wrong.

His voice wrung out, “You should’ve told me about them.”

“Why?” I gasped out.

Confusion flared over him. “What do you mean?”

“Why? You loved them. They were your ideal parents, not mine.” My gut kicked again. I went with a hunch. “And not Ethan’s either.”

His hand jerked. There it was. I’d been right, but I felt no victory. “It’s the secret, isn’t it?”

“What are you talking about?”

My hand lifted and I gestured to him. “You. This whole thing. You’re not comforting me, Jesse. That’s your job. That’s what you’re supposed to do, but you’re closed off.” It hurt to say, but I did. “This is you for the last two years.”

His eyes closed.

He knew what I was getting at. I kept going even though I felt like I was being strangled, “What did they do to Ethan?”

His head went back down.

“Jesse.”

He looked away now.

“Jesse.” My voice rose to an authoritative bark. He had to tell me. He just had to.

Finally, he looked back, but he was closed off again. A f**king cement wall came over him. He wasn’t letting me in and my stomach dropped. He wasn’t going to tell me the secret. He had to. He had no other choice. Didn’t he know that?

Why was this going so wrong?

The doomed feeling began to spread all over me now. I shook my head. “Stop this, Jesse. You can stop this right now.”

His chest heaved up as he let out a dramatic breath, shaking his head. “I can’t. God, I want to. I really do, but I can’t. It’s not my secret, Alex. Trust me,” his voice sounded strangled too. “I want to. I really do, but I can’t.”

The wall lifted. There was the same agony. My own came alive again as it felt its twin flare up. Why couldn’t he see? He could end both of our pain, if he’d just tell me. He turned away and his shoulders hunched forward. There it was, the look of defeat. He wasn’t going to tell me, ever.

A wrangled cry escaped my throat. I couldn’t stop it and I couldn’t stop the tears that started falling. This was it then. He couldn’t know my secret and not tell me his. I needed to know. It was about Ethan. I had a right to know, but I didn’t ask again. He wasn’t going to tell me. So instead, I cut out, “I’ll pack.”

His head snapped around. “What? No.”

“I can’t be here if you won’t tell me. Ethan was my brother.”

“He was mine too,” he growled. His hands jerked into fists at his side. “He was my f**king brother too. Don’t start rewriting history.”

I flinched. There was the old Jesse again, the one that lashed out. But I swallowed over a lump in my throat and started grabbing my clothes. The tears had withered up at his anger, but my eyes were stinging. They wanted the release, but I wouldn’t allow it. My heart was pounding against my chest as I threw my clothes into a bag and then started for my books.

He watched me as I moved around his room. I was blind as I rushed to get my stuff and get out. I was grabbing at things, not thinking. I could only feel his gaze on my back. It was burning into me, drilling a hole.

“Stop, Alex.”

“No.”

“Stop.” He reached for my bag.

I twisted away to keep it. “NO!”

He wouldn’t let go and instead, he used the bag to pull me into his arms. Lowering his forehead to mine, he said urgently, “Please don’t do this.”

I shoved him away. “You can stop me.”