Broken and Screwed

She stopped suddenly, but her chest kept heaving. Her shallows breaths were loud in the quiet room, but then Marissa hopped to her feet. Her chin was set and she flared in defiance. “I don’t care what you say. You don’t know me anymore, Ang. You used to, but some messed up crap has happened to me. You have no idea and you have no right to judge me anymore. I won’t stick around for it.”

“But—” Angie’s mouth dropped once again. When she saw that Marissa was about to leave, her long finger extended towards me. “We’re here for her, not for you and me. You called me, remember? You were the one who said we needed to get Alex out of the house and have a friend trip. What the hell? How did we get into a fight? This was all about Alex.”

I straightened at that. “Excuse me?”

Her mouth snapped back shut. “Nothing.”

My gaze whipped to Marissa. “What is she talking about?”

Her eyes were wide, fearful, but then she crumbled. She said so quietly, “I saw your parents at the airport, Alex.”

Nothing. I felt nothing.

There was no friendliness. There was no warmth. There wasn’t even pain. I’d gone numb again. But I choked out, “And?” I needed to hear it all, and from the torment on her face, I knew there was a bunch more.

I got myself ready.

“We know they ditched you for the holidays.”

Oh. They knew. Angie had already told me they knew, but this made more sense now.

“Well?” Both of them watched me.

“What?”

“That’s it? That’s all you’re going to say?” Angie seemed dumbfounded.

I shrugged. “What do you want me to say? You already knew. You found their note.”

“But they’re here,” she cried out. “They’re here to see Jesse and they’re not including you in anything.”

“They’re married. That’s for them to do. This is like a second honeymoon or something.”

“And they told you with a note!” Her arms flung wide again. “I would be going crazy. I would be calling them and chewing them out. How dare they forget you! You’re their child. You’re their last kid alive. You’d think they’d go overboard with you since they lost Ethan.”

Pain ripped through me. A shudder of torment that I’d always suppressed broke free at hearing those words. They’d been thoughts that I had over the past year, but I’d never voiced them. I never said a word to my parents. They were grieving. They had lost Ethan too. So I gave them their distance. I became the good girl for them. I didn’t want them to worry about me either, but then it had gone too far. They stopped caring. They stopped loving. And now, as Angie said all of that, the main thought I had was that it felt as if I wasn’t their child anymore. They had always loved Ethan more, but after this year I was starting to wonder if they had ever loved me.

I didn’t want to burden them. I didn’t want to be a burden to them. It was best to remain quiet.

I shrugged again, but I couldn’t look at them. I couldn’t make eye contact. It hurt too much and I didn’t want them to see that. “Its fine, you guys.”

“It’s not!”

Then I gave up and surrendered. “What are you going to do about it?”

They stopped. They blinked. Their mouths opened. No sound came out. They were like owls. After awhile, Angie strangled out, “What do you mean?”

“What do you want me to do?”

“I…” She closed her mouth again. There was nothing.

“Exactly.” And for the first time, I let my pain shine through. I couldn’t hold it back. I didn’t want to anymore. Maybe it was because I was finally hearing someone defend me or support me, but I stopped hiding that pain. And I knew the instant they both saw it, because they gasped.

“Alex,” Angie whispered.

Marissa wrenched away. Her arms folded around herself and her shoulders hunched forward.

“Are you going to reprimand my parents for not loving me as much anymore?” Those damn tears started coming again. I barely felt them now. I whispered more, “Are you going to tell my mom that she was selfish when she tried to kill herself? Or tell my dad that he shouldn’t have to only worry about his wife, but his daughter too? They’re both grieving, Ang. We’re all still grieving.”

Suddenly, Marissa took off. The door slammed behind her.

“What?” Angie shrieked again. Her stricken eyes skirted from the door to me. “What the hell was that?”

It should’ve hurt that she had left, but it barely fazed me. She was the least of my problems.

“I can’t believe—Alex, what do I do here?”

I shrugged. They opened this can of worms. She should deal with it, but then I stood and brushed away the wetness on my cheeks. I was so tired of it all. “I’m going to go.”

“No, please.”

“Angie.”

“What?” She had conflicting emotions on her face. Concern, anger, and another unnamed one flitted over her. Then she shook her head and grabbed my arm. Her fingers wrapped tightly around it. “What do I do here? I have no idea. And what the hell happened with Marissa?”

“It’s not the first time when things got too real and someone bailed.”

Her fingers jerked in reaction. “That’s happened to you before, huh?”

“More than you want to know.”