Broken and Screwed

And that night was spent in a hotel suite. We shared it with Angie and Justin. Ben also had a date. Each of us had a bedroom that was attached to the suite, but most of the night was spent laughing or in the Jacuzzi. Angie asked me in the bathroom if I was going to have sex with Eric. She said he wasn’t expecting it, but it was prom. It was almost tradition.

I laughed at that. My life was not traditional.

Eric got some cuddling from me and made it to second base. He felt underneath my clothes, but that was it. I’d given my all to Jesse and was only now able to breathe normally again. Through the rest of that night, I remembered how Barbie had said Ethan was a gentleman. Eric was as well, it was something that brought tears to my eyes at times. Maybe I was trying to replace Ethan with Eric, maybe that was why I told him that I’d never feel for him what he felt for me.

Eric took it well. He said it was the gentlest way a girl had let him down. And then he said he would still like to spend time with me. So for the rest of the school year, he picked me up for school. He drove me home. We went out for dinners and movies. He would hold my hand in the hallways and hold my books. He always knew I didn’t feel the same, but after I kept insisting that I didn’t want to lead him on, Eric pressed a kiss to my forehead. He told me that he only wanted to take care of me. So I let him. We spent almost every night together over the summer. He would sleep at my home on the weekends, on the bed that Jesse had used growing up.

He never said a word about my parents’ absence. Some nights Angie and Justin would come over. The four of us would make dinner and laugh all night. It felt right to have that in my home again. At times, I would feel Ethan’s presence next to me. I would imagine that he was smiling and laughing with us.

It was the beginning of August when I received a letter from my dad.

Eric saw who it was from and pressed a kiss to my forehead before he went into the living room. I sat down at the kitchen table with my heart pounding and hands sweating. It took me three times to open it. When I did, I almost wished that I never had.

Dear Alexandra,

Your mother and I received a phone call from your guidance counselor, Mrs. Farm. She was very polite, but forthcoming that our nonrepliance to her initial phone calls had been disappointing. Your mother and I have discussed this and have come to the conclusion that our absence from your life has not been fair to you as our daughter. While we are overjoyed you will be attending Grant West University, we feel it is only right that you receive the proper financial compensation from us. You are an adult and have been since last summer, but we have started a trust fund for you. You will receive an allowance every month in your savings account. It will last as long as your mother and I are alive. Ethan stipulated in his last will and testament that his trust fund, in total, would go to you as well. There is another trust fund that your grandfather set up that you will receive when you turn twenty five. The amounts are provided below:

Your monthly allowance: $ 2,000.00

The total trust fund from Ethan: $2.5 million

The trust fund from your grandfather: $2.5 million

We feel this amount of finances will provide for you throughout your life. On a personal note, your mother has been doing very well. She attends individual therapy and a grief group therapy session every week. I’ve retained a life coach to be on our staff. If you would ever wish to contact us, feel free to give us a call. We are very proud that you will attend the university your brother had been accepted to previously. Please give our best wishes to Jesse. We love him like a son.

Best wishes, your father.

I crumpled the paper up and then smoothed it back out. A burning sensation grew in me as I sat there. Everything was so clear, so focused. My heartbeat slowed to a calm steady beat and I no longer had to remind myself to breathe. I shredded each piece of that letter. I didn’t know how long it took, but I didn’t stop until each piece had been folded, ripped, folded again, and ripped once more. I finally stopped when the letter was a pile of pieces so small they could’ve been ash. And then I got up from my seat and went into the cupboards. I found a lighter.

As I approached the letter my heart slowed. I wanted to enjoy this. I wanted to be turned on by it. I lit it on fire.

As it burst into flame and spread, I stood back. Amazed. I wanted to see it grow more and more. I wanted the entire house to burn around me. Everything my parents had been would be in pieces at my feet. I wanted to destroy them, but I only destroyed the letter. It was a small triumph that was empty. I knew my parents would never care. If I mailed the letter back to them, they would only throw it out. Nothing touched them anymore. Ethan’s death had done that to them, it was now done to me.

Nothing would touch me again.

Eric rushed into the kitchen, panicked. When the fire alarm had gone off, he ripped himself from the doorway. He then dumped a bucket of water on the small fire. As he did and a cloud of gray smoke filled the kitchen, he fell against the wall. “Jesus,” he cursed.

“Don’t curse.”

“What?” He gaped at me, pale and sweating from the smoke.

I didn’t answer him. I didn’t care to answer anyone anymore. Everything changed that night. I changed that night. I never did anything different, but I knew I wasn’t right anymore. People grew scared of me. Eric stopped spending time with me. I never heard from Marissa again. Even Ben asked when I was quitting the coffee hut. He sounded like he couldn’t wait for my resignation. The only one I saw two more times was Angie. She came over to say goodbye the day she and Justin were leaving for college. Both of their cars were packed. Justin waited in his truck, parked behind hers, as she came into the house.