Broken Knight

Her eyes widened in disbelief, her cocktail glass—blue liquid, like the tips of her hair—slipping from between her fingers and crashing on the floor.

“I take full responsibility for everything that happened this entire semester. The whole Knight debacle. The thing with Josh. I didn’t handle it well, did I?”

I could see the confusion flashing in her face as it reddened, her pupils dilating like ink.

“But don’t assume you know the entire story from where you’re standing. I have so much to explain to you—if you’re willing to listen—but know this, April: You’ve helped me. Helped me in ways I could never repay you for. Thank you.”

“What the fuck, Luna?!” April’s eyes glistened as she stood.

Wordlessly, she slapped me across the face. I felt the burn crawling from my cheek to my neck, spreading, pinking my ears with embarrassment she couldn’t see because of the tan hue of my skin and the dim light of the club.

I lifted my head and stared at her. Every muscle in her face was shaking. Her expression told me I revolted her. In truth, I repulsed myself, too. She thought I was a liar now, and she had every right to feel embarrassed and betrayed.

I should’ve told her the truth—all of it.

I should’ve stood up for myself long ago.

I should’ve been more stern with Josh when he ignored my rejections.

I shouldn’t have accepted Knight’s half-hearted fumbles while he was with another girl.

I was worth more. I deserved more.

“Good luck getting yourself out of this one.” She looked hurt more than anything else, and I knew she had every right to be.

A firm tap on my shoulder made me turn around. I don’t know why I expected to see Knight. There was no reason for him to be here, other than the fact that, true to his name, he had the tendency to save my day.

It was Josh. His dark eyes were like two globes of misery, the weight of all the heartbreak in the world seemingly dimming his light. Seeing him hurt felt like a punch straight to the gut.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “It’s not that I spoke before this…” I licked my lips, looking around helplessly.

God, he didn’t deserve it. Any of this. How difficult was it to not-break a heart? I’d always been so mad at Knight for doing this to me. Maybe he hadn’t meant to, either. Maybe hearts were like carefully tended flowers. Sometimes they just wilted, no matter what you did.

Josh took a step back, shaking his head in disbelief. His hands trembled as he signed to me.

“You talk,” he said.

I nodded. I felt ashamed talking to him. Not that it was bad. Not that my breakthrough didn’t make me proud. But the fact that I’d hidden it from all of them for so long… I’d hidden a lot of things from my friends, and it was payback time.

“Since when?” he motioned, too stunned to show any negative or positive emotion.

“Since…a few weeks ago.”

He shook his head, without saying anything.

“How?” he asked.

I was about to lose the boy I loved, so I threw my fears and phobias off a cliff, was what I would have said, but I knew my honesty would rip him to shreds.

“Family crisis,” I answered.

The tears blinded me. Somehow, I could still see the melted figures of my friends through them, looking like clouds through a rain-stained window. April stood next to Ryan, and now they both faced me. Josh was starting to retreat, walking backward out of the club, out of my life.

Then he stopped. Smiled. It looked genuine. I could tell, even in the darkness of the club.

“Good for you.”

I couldn’t even form a response.

“I wish I’d known earlier.”

I didn’t know if he meant about loving Knight, or about my talking.

“I lost the ability to speak freely when I was a baby,” I tried to explain to them, even though they looked more hurt about my lashing out at April and hiding a secret from them than anything else. “It’s not like I ever spoke in public or…”

I stopped, clamping my mouth shut on the lie. I’d spoken at the New Year’s party Daria dragged me to. I was changing. I could no longer afford the comfort of being quiet and different. People were done cutting me slack.

I squeezed my eyes shut to rid myself of the tears so I could see Josh better. He signed again.

“You should go back to Knight. To California.”

He wasn’t mean. He was truthful. He knew it was something in California that had caused my breakthrough. Or so he thought. But if I hadn’t known them—April, Ryan, and Josh—I would never have stood up to Knight. Maybe I wouldn’t have had my breakthrough. Who knows.

“I never meant to hurt you,” I told him.

“I know.”

“I don’t want anything to change,” I almost begged.

April was the one to answer.

“Luna, we always wanted you to win. We just didn’t know we weren’t on your team.”

Before I slipped out of the club, Ryan clutched my arm in a bruising grip.

“We thought you were different, not just another rich, spoiled, holier-than-thou Todos Santos bitch. Turns out, you’re exactly like the stigma. Self-absorbed, beautiful, and a liar. It’s over for you, Rexroth. Boon’s over for you.”