Close to You

“I don’t think that’s true.”

“It’s fucking true! And now he doesn’t have to stay here. I don’t want him to go, but I don’t want him to be sad. And every time he looks at me, I’ll just be a reminder that I lost his baby.” I’m hiccuping now with the tears. Riley’s stopped petting my head, leaving me be to cry and rant and just purge all of this bullshit out of my body.

“I wanted that baby so much,” I say, quieting a bit now, but keeping my face in my hands because I’m just so embarrassed and ashamed. “I loved him already, and I was hoping he’d look like his daddy. And Landon is everything I’ve ever wanted and I screwed that up too. I’m just not supposed to have a husband and a family, Ri. And it’s good that this happened now, before the wedding.”

I’m rubbing my swollen eyes. I need a cold cloth, but I don’t want to ask for one. I just want to call Landon back, but that’s dumb. I already fucked that up.

Suddenly a cold cloth is pressed to my neck, and I take it and push it against my eyes, crying into the cotton, making it warm.

“I can’t stop crying.”

“Shhh.”

“It’s so much more than just losing the baby,” I say, quieting a bit now. “We lost all of it. His first steps, swimming lessons, the first day of school.” I shake my head. “I won’t get to straighten his tie on prom night, or dance with him at his wedding.” She puts her hand on my ankle over the covers and sits silently, letting me cry it out and then just breathe, taking long, jagged breaths until I’m calm enough to wipe my face and glance up.

But it’s not Riley sitting next to me.

It’s Landon.

“You didn’t leave.”

He doesn’t smile at me, and he takes the cloth out of my hands, runs it under the faucet to get it cold again, and passes it back to me. It feels like heaven on my face and neck.

Landon just watches, calm as can be. His eyes show the hurt, and that makes my eyes well up again. Of course he’s hurting too. I don’t want him to hurt. I never want that.

“I loved her too,” he says quietly, and leans in to rest his elbows on the bed, taking my hand in his. His touch always feels wonderful, but this is better than anything I’ve ever felt. “And I’m so sad that we’ll never get to hold her and love her, and do all of the things you just said. It’s tragic, Cami.”

I nod and bite my lip. “I’m sorry.”

“Losing her isn’t your fault,” he says firmly. “Look at me.”

My gaze finds his. “None of this is anyone’s fault. I don’t know why it happened. But I do know this: I’m not about to lose my child and the love of my life in the same day. You are convinced that I don’t want to be here, but, Cami, I’ve never said that. Yes, the Navy took me away for a long time, but when that was over, I didn’t have to come home. I could have relocated and started over anywhere. I chose to come back to Portland, and I’m so damn glad I did because it brought me to you. Will I want to travel with you? Of course. But this is our home.

“I can’t spend the next fifty years proving it to you over and over again, just to have you mistrust me. You know me well enough that I don’t do anything that I don’t want to do.”

I smile and nod softly, hope burning brightly in my chest.

“I’m sorry I said that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t say things to deliberately hurt people, and I’d never try to hurt you.”

“You’re sad, and you’re angry. And, please don’t throw something at me again, but your hormones are probably all over the place.”

My lips twitch, and I simply nod again. I’m just relieved that he didn’t actually leave when I told him to.

Thank God.

“I told you before, and I’ll say it again, I didn’t propose to you because of the baby. Cami, I’ve wanted you for as long as I can remember. I want you to be my wife, with or without the baby. You are mine, do you understand me?”

“Yes,” I murmur, and take a long, deep breath. “I’m a pain in the ass.”

“Oh, for sure,” he says, finally smiling. “But you’re a pain in my ass, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We’re going to get through this, the same way that we’ll get through every other difficult time that crosses our path: as a team.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Yes, you do. You deserve every wonderful thing that life has to offer. You deserve better than me, but this is what you’re stuck with.”

“Thank God.”

He tips his forehead against mine.

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too, you beautiful pain in the ass.”

“IF THE DAIRY guy is late with my cheese one more time, I’m going to fire his ass and look for someone else.”

“Organic dairy isn’t easy to find,” I remind Mia the next morning. “Especially not at the prices he gives us. Everyone else charges an arm and a leg, and I’m not going to approve the funds for a more expensive dairy just because you and this guy don’t get along. Did you sleep with him or something?”

She just shrugs, not looking up from her phone.

“You slept with the dairy guy?” I demand, my voice a little shrill.

“He’s good-looking,” she says defensively. “And he’s not an idiot.”

“But apparently he’s late all of the time,” Landon says, crossing his arms over his chest. “Do I have to beat him up?”