Confessions of a Shopaholic

So what am I supposed to do next? Where am I supposed to go?

I slump miserably at my desk. God, this frugality is hard going. I leaf dispiritedly through a few folders. . then raise my head and stare out of the window, at all the busy Oxford Street shoppers clutching carrier bags. I want to get out there so desperately, I’m actually leaning forward in my chair, like a plant toward the light. I’m craving the bright lights and warm air, the racks of merchandise, even the bleep of the cash registers. But I can’t go. This morning I told myself that I wouldn’t go near the shops all day. I promised myself — and I can’t break my own promise.

Then a brilliant thought occurs to me. I need to get a curry recipe for my homemade takeaway, don’t I? David E. Barton says recipe books are a waste of money. He says you should use the recipes printed on the sides of food packets, or take books out of the library. But I’ve got an even better idea. I’ll go into Smith’s and copy out a curry recipe to make on Saturday night. That way, I can go into a shop, but I don’t need to spend any money. Already I’m scrambling to my feet, reaching for my coat. Shops, here I come!

As I walk into Smith’s I feel my whole body expand in relief. There’s a thrill about walking into a shop — any shop — which you can’t beat. It’s partly the anticipation, partly the buzzy, welcoming atmosphere, partly just the lovely newness of everything. Shiny new magazines, shiny new pencils, shiny new protractors. Not that I’ve needed a protractor since I was eleven — but don’t they look nice, all clean and unscratched in their packets? There’s a new range of leopard-print stationery that I haven’t seen before, and for a moment I’m almost tempted to linger. But instead I force myself to stride on past, down to the back of the shop where the books are stacked.

There’s a whole array of Indian recipe books, and I pick up one at random, flicking over the pages and wondering what sort of recipe I should go for. I hadn’t realized quite how complicated this Indian cookery is. Perhaps I should write down a couple, to be on the safe side.

I look around cautiously and take out my notebook and pen. I’m a bit wary, because I know Smith’s doesn’t like you copying down stuff out of their books. The reason I know this is because Suze once got asked to leave the Smith’s in Victoria. She was copying out a page of the street atlas, because she’d forgotten hers — and they told her she had to either buy it or leave. (Which doesn’t make any sense, because they let you read the magazines for free, don’t they?)

So anyway, when I’m sure no one’s looking, I start copying out the recipe for “Tiger Prawn Biriani.” I’m halfway through the list of spices when a girl in WHSmith uniform comes round the corner, so I quickly close the book and walk off a little, pretending I’m browsing. When I think I’m safe, I open it again — but before I can write anything down, an old woman in a blue coat says loudly, “Is that any good, dear?”

“What?” I say.

“The book!” She gestures to the recipe book with her umbrella. “I need a present for my daughter-in-law, and she comes from India. So I thought I’d get a nice Indian recipe book. Is that a good one, would you say?”

“I’m afraid I don’t know,” I say. “I haven’t read it yet.”

“Oh,” she says, and starts to wander off. And I ought to keep my mouth shut and mind my own business — but I just can’t leave it there, I have to clear my throat and say, “Excuse me — but doesn’t she have lots of Indian recipes already?”

“Who, dear?” says the woman, turning round.

“Your daughter-in-law!” Already I’m regretting this. “If she’s Indian, doesn’t she already know how to cook Indian food?”

“Oh,” says the old woman. She seems completely flummoxed. “Well, what should I get, then?”

Oh God.

“I don’t know,” I say. “Maybe a book on. . on something else?”

“That’s a good idea!” she says brightly, and comes toward me. “You show me, dear.”

“Well,” I say, looking helplessly around the racks of books. “What’s she interested in? Does she. . have any particular hobby?”

“She likes the fresh air,” says the woman thoughtfully. “Walking in the countryside.”

“Perfect!” I say in relief. “Why not try the travel section for a walking book?”

I point the woman in the right direction, then hurry off to do my copying. I reach the CD and video section, which is always quite empty, and hide behind a rack of Teletubbies videos. I glance around and check no one’s about, then open the book again. Okay, turn to page 214, “Tiger Prawn Biriani”. . I start copying again, and I’ve just got to the end of the list of spices, when a stern voice says in my ear, “Excuse me?”