Damaged

“You don’t have to tell me.”



“I haven’t told anyone, not really. My parents didn’t hear all of it.” I shrug. Nerves are swimming in my stomach. “Maybe telling someone will help me get over it.” Peter smiles at me, but it’s sad, like he knows what I mean. I finish the story. “He nicked me, here.” I point to my neck. There’s a scar that sits at the base of my throat, right by my collar bone.



I take a deep breath and ask, “Where’d the scar on your side come from?”



“A knife. It came from a knife.” Peter’s quiet for a moment. Then he starts telling me. “It’s from the night I proposed. I was down on one knee. Gina had her hands to her mouth, surprised, and smiling so big. She was looking at me, at the ring I held out. We were talking, saying things. She didn’t get to answer me…” His eyes glaze over while he speaks. I can almost see the memory in his eyes. “I felt a sharp pain in my side as the ring was grabbed out of my hand. Some guys had been watching us. They did it. The guy that stabbed me twisted the knife. That’s why it looks like that.”



I can’t breathe. There are tears in my eyes. “Oh, my God. Peter…”



We’re both quiet for a moment. Then Peter asks, “Want to keep going?” I don’t know why, but I nod. His eyes flick up to mine. “Are you afraid to have sex after everything that happened?”



My face flames red. My mouth opens and snaps shut again. “I want to say no. I want to say something, anything, else, but I can’t.” I look at him, wondering what I should say, if I should tell him how messed up I am. Dean broke me. I can’t imagine being normal anymore. Even when I was sitting with Peter the first day I met him, it wasn’t the way it’s supposed to be.



I smile, but my lips won’t hold it. They twitch instead. “I’m not afraid to have sex. It’s not the action, well, not totally. I’m afraid that I won’t like it. I’m afraid my mind will be stuck in the past somewhere and not here with you.



“As it is, I don’t feel like it, not really. I laid here next to you all night, and I don’t know if you know this or not, but you’re kind of hot.” He smiles. His eyes lock with mine and hold my gaze. I want to tell him everything. “I didn’t feel like it. I never seem to want more than kisses or your hands on my face. When I think about other things,” I shiver and shake my head. I press my lips together nervously and look up at him. “I can’t image feeling that way again. And last time was such a horrible mistake, how will I know? What if I make the same mistake again? What if…what if you hurt me?”



Peter takes my hand and pulls it to his lips. He kisses the center of my palm and looks into my eyes. “I will never, ever, hurt you like that.”



“How can I know that for sure? Dean didn’t start out that way, I mean—”



He holds my hand between his and looks me in the eye. “I am sure. I’m not like that. Most guys aren’t like that. That isn’t love, Sidney. He was using you.”



I can’t swallow. I nod a little too frantically. “Can you prove that you aren’t?”



He shakes his head. “I don’t think so, other than showing you how I feel about you. I love you. If you wanted to be with me, I’d wait for you. We don’t have to have sex, not right away, and not until you’re ready.”



I feel sick inside. I can’t look at him. My voice is weak, “I’ll never be ready.”



“Then, I’ll always be waiting.” He smiles at me and leans forward and kisses my nose. It makes me look up at him. My eyelashes flutter too much and I smile. “I’ll do anything for you, be anything you need. I just don’t want to let you go.”



CHAPTER 26



I must have dozed off because I wake up again a few hours later. Peter is talking on the other side of the bedroom door. It’s cracked, letting a little bit of light from the hallway spill inside. I stretch and push back the covers. My hands hurt. I forgot they were torn up. Stretching reminds me that my body will not be my friend today. I ache all over.



Rubbing my eyes, I pad across the room to the door. I watch Peter for a second. He has the phone to his ear and he’s talking softly.



“I know what it means.” He pauses and pushes his hair back, away from his eyes. His brow is pinched. “There’s more to it than that. Have you ever found someone that sees right through you? When she looks at me... It’s like we were thrown together, like my life didn’t turn into a pile of shit for no reason. I can’t leave her. I don’t expect you to understand. I just wanted you to know that it wasn’t a whim.” Peter shakes his head as if he can’t handle what the other person is saying. “I won’t be coming back, but thank you all the same. I’ll come by later and empty out my office.” He takes the phone from his ear and presses a button, then tosses it on the table.



I feel bad for watching him. Peter senses me. He turns and sees me standing in the doorway. “Hey. Feel any better?”



I give a weak smile and walk toward him. “A little bit. Thanks for letting me sleep.” I look at him, wondering who he was talking to. Peter seems rattled. “Are you all right?”



His eyes meet mine. He doesn’t say anything for a moment. Then he takes a slow breath and says, “They want me to come back.”



“Who?” I look up at him. I already know who, but I want to make sure.



“The University. That was Strictland. She said that she didn’t file my resignation, that I’m making a mistake.” Peter runs his hands through his hair and then down his neck. He sighs and looks straight at me.



I feel guilty. My stomach twists. I didn’t want this. I’m messing up his life. “You guys sound close.” I wonder about that.



He nods. “We were at the same university when I did my undergrad. Before she relocated here, Strictland oversaw my internships and wrote my recommendations for grad school. I was her TA, too. I got to know her since I was around her every day. That’s how I got the job here. She shoulder tapped me for another position. When Tadwick passed away, she moved me into his classroom.” He folds his arms over his chest. When he looks at me again, he adds, “I was kind of close to Strictland back then. She knew me before everything happened.”



My eyes dart to his side, to that scar, but it’s covered by a white tee shirt. When my gaze flicks back to his face, I nod. “You should go back.” He laughs, like he thinks I’m kidding. “I’m serious, Peter. I can’t do this to you. I—”



“You didn’t. Some asshole in New York did this to me. Someone they didn’t even find stole my life from me. It wasn’t you. If anything, you gave me a second chance.” He sighs and steps toward me. Peter takes my hand and pulls me to the couch. I follow, feeling a little more than exposed in my tee shirt. We sit down. He turns toward me. “I need to know what you want to do about last night.”



I bristle. “I’m not calling the police.”



He shakes his head and takes my hand. He pulls it into his lap. “That’s not what I mean. Do you want to—?”



Before he can finish, there’s a loud thud as someone pounds on the door. I know who it is before he speaks. “Open the goddamn door! I know she’s in there.” Sam’ voice fills the room.



Peter looks at me and then back at the door. The pounding stops. Silence follows. The door is a few feet away. Peter gets up and looks out the peep hole, then comes back to me.



“It’s your brother. Do you want me to let him in?” Peter’s voice is tight. His fingers flex into fists and reopen.



“Dean’s not there?” Peter shakes his head. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to talk to Sam, but I have to get him to leave me alone. “Wait a second.” I get up and find my jeans. I pull them on under Peter’s shirt and smooth my hair a little bit. This is going to look wrong, but I realize that I don’t care what he thinks. Sam pounds on the door again. I nod at Peter and he opens it. Sam’s hand flies through the air when the door is suddenly yanked open.



Peter glares at him. “If you try to take her again, I will kick your ass.”



Sam smirks. “Like last night? If I recall correctly, my sister saved your ass.”



Peter is through being nice. I can see something snap inside of him. Instead of answering, Peter grabs Sam by the throat and pushes him into the wall hard. He hisses something in his ear that I can’t hear. Sam’s eyes widen. His face is turning red. He can’t breathe. Peter drops my brother, then slams the front door shut.



Peter folds his chiseled arms over his chest and says, “You have two minutes. Talk.”



Sam is leery of Peter. I can tell that he doesn’t like this, that he doesn’t want to talk in front of Peter, but he does anyway. “Sorry about Dean.”



“Don’t apologize. I don’t want to hear it. What do you want?” I snap. We’re both standing, staring at each other. He’s my twin. We were so close once. He knew what I thought and how I felt, but I don’t know him anymore. He chose his jackass friend over me. I fold my arms over my chest and stare at him. Sam’s eyes cut to the side. He glances at Peter. “Just say it.”



Sam looks at my shoes. He’s silent.



The little muscles on the side of Peter’s jaw are twitching. He says, “One minute.”



Sam scowls at Peter. “It hasn’t been a minute! What the fuck, man?”



“I don’t care and you’re wasting your time.” Peter glares at him.



Sam finally says something, and gives me an indication as to why he’s here. “Mom’s sick, like really sick. She’s been asking for you. I told her that I’d find you and bring you home. You can’t send me back without you. Please, sis. She’s dying.”



I don’t want this news to affect me, but it does. My arms drop to my sides. “When? How long has this been going on?”