Derik's Bane

"It's been a bad day for both of us," he admitted. Then, "Blond stud?" He was absurdly flattered.



"Fuck you! I want you to get lost andleave me the hell alone!"



She had screamed that last part, shrieked it, roared it. Her fury was intense, overwhelming— he couldn't get the smell of burning cedar out of his nose—it was practically choking him.



Suddenly, startlingly, the pain in his head intensified—cripes, it felt like his skull was splitting!—and he started to get dizzy for the first time in his life. It was extremely unpleasant. But before he could complain, or explain, everything got dark around the edges, and the room tilted, and then he didn't know anything, anything at all.



9



More exhilarated than frightened, Sara finished taping Psycho Jerkoff to her kitchen chair with her last roll of electrician's tape (a must for any single woman's toolbox). Then she stood back, looked at him for a long minute, and went to get her bag.



She supposed she should find a phone and call 911, but she wasn't too worried about what's-his-face getting out of that chair. In fact, she wondered if he'd ever get up again ... he was the color of kitchen plaster, and his body had a loose, boneless feel she didn't like at all.



She found her bag, shook the dirt off it, stepped over the spilled planter, and returned to the kitchen. She briefly wished for a cell phone— she kept losing the fucking things, and she was paying for it now—and bent to Psycho Jerkoff. She peeled up one of his eyelids and grimaced— blown pupil.Really blown . .. the thing looked like a burst pumpkin, all brownish orange leaks. The sclera was shot with red threads, and his breathing was gasping, agonal.



What had she done to him? Was it like the rapist who was waiting—



But she wouldn't think about that now. What happened back then wasn't relevant to this poor fucker ... he was dying before her eyes. He had tried to kill her, but that didn't mean she wanted him to go toes-up in her kitchen. Poor dumb ass. Even his eye was—



Actually, it looked a little better. Less red, and the pupil seemed to be ... shrinking? Shrinking and pulling back, and the red was pulling back, too, disappearing, and then his perfectly whole pupil wasfixed on her, and he shifted his weight, and she stumbled backward so fast she tripped over another chair and went sprawling.



10



"Well," Derik said, waking up. "That was embarrassing."



She scuttled back from him, startled. He blinked down at her. What was she doing on the floor?



"What are you doing on the—"



"That wasfast," she said, almost gasped. "One minute you were out cold, and the next—"



"I'm a quick healer." He started to get up, then realized he couldn't. He was—for crying out loud! "You've taped me," he observed. "Taped me to one of your kitchen chairs. That's a new one."



"Electrician's tape," she said, gesturing to the depleted rolls on the counter. "A must for every household. Now go back to sleep so I can call the cops, you psychotic freak."



He wriggled. He could get loose, but it would take some time. She was fiendish in her cleverness! Tapewas tough, and he sure couldn't untie it.



"You might not believe this," he said, "but I'm sort of glad." And he was! He hadn't been able to kill her. She was alive, and pissed, and he was actually kind of happy about it, and relieved. It was strange, and probably stupid, but right now he didn't care. "Sorry about the mess in your house."



"Oh, shut up. Listen, you were really screwed up. How, how did you get better?" she burst out. It was as if she'd been dying to ask the question. "You had a blown pupil—do you know what that means?"



"Well," he said, "it doesn't sound very nice."



"You got that right. It's indicative of an aneurysm, get it? Brain bleed? Nothing good, in other words. But you got better while I watched. Which is impossible."



"About as impossible as you still walking around alive. And I told you, I'm a quick healer. Got anything to eat around here?"



"I'm supposed to feed you now? After you tried to kill me?"



"I'm hungry," he whined.



"Tell it to the judge." She reached for the phone, found it gone, then spotted the pieces of the handset all over the floor. "Damn it! I forgot about that. You're buying me a new phone, buster. And a new everything else we broke!" She knew, justknew, she would regret lending her bedroom phone to one of her former patients. Rose was a sweetie, but lending never meant lending, it always meant giving, and that was just—



"Sure, okay. Hey, listen, I've got to tell you something." Man oh man, Antonia wouldnot be pleased. Neither would Michael. Fuck it. "I was sent on a mission to kill you." "



"I gathered," she said dryly, "judging from all the murder attempts."



"No, I mean, my family sent me here. Specifically, to you. Because you're fated to destroy the world. And it's my job to stop you. Except I couldn't."



"Andyou're fated for a Thorazine drip, as soon as the nice men in the white coats come." But she looked troubled, as if she was hearing a voice in a distant room, one that agreed with him completely. "And I—I might have been wrong about your eyes. In fact, after the day I've had, a misdiagnosis wouldn't surprise me at all."



"Sure," he sneered back. "Because you make themall the time." This was a guess, but he figured Dr. Sara Gunn didn't get where she was by being a fuckup.



"Never mind. Now: "What the hell did I do with my old phone?" she mused aloud, running her fingers through her red, red hair. It kept wanting to flop in her face, and she kept tossing it back with jerks of her head. It was the brightest thing in the room; he could hardly take his eyes off it. Off her. "Did I throw it out? I don't think I did ... I never throw anything out, if I can help it... soon as you throw it out you need it again ... stupid thing."



"Listen to me. I'm not crazy, though I totally understand why you think I might be."



"Do ya?" she asked with faux brightness.



"I couldn't kill you. Get it? Never mind that I think my so-called sacred mission bites the bag; I was trying to kill you, and I couldn't do it. Don't you think that's a little bit weird?"



"No, I thinkyou're a little bit weird." But she frowned.



"Hasn't stuff like this happened to you before? Weird days? Strangers popping up out of nowhere trying to do you harm? I can't believe my family's the only one who knows about you,"



"This is California," she said, looking more than troubled; looking vaguely alarmed. "Weird stuff happens all the time out here. And it's not even an election year."



"Yeah, California, not the Twilight Zone." He wriggled more and the tape pulled at his arm hairs. "Ow!"



"Well, sit still."



"And starve to death? Forget it."



"Oh, for Pete's sake. How long have you gone without a meal?"



"Two hours."



"An eternity, I'm sure."



"Fast metabolism. Come on, you have to havesomething around here."



"Buddy, you have got some nerve." She sounded almost. . . admiring? But she still looked pissed. Not that he could blame her. "Weird stuff... you probably said that because you were in on it."



"In on what?"



"Oh, like you don't know!"



"Idon't know," he said patiently. "What are you talking about?"



"You don't know about the team of red-robed weirdos who tried to kill me at work." She said this with total skepticism.



"No, but I can't say I'm surprised. See, you're the bad guy."



"I'mthe bad guy?"



"Yup. In fact, you're fated to destroy the world."



She touched her chest, looking flabbergasted. "I am?"



"Yup. That's why I was sent to make you take a dirt nap, so to speak. And I bet the crack team of weirdos was sent to do the same thing. So you should do three things: Feed me, untie me, and get the hell out of this house."



She stared at him.



"Don't think you have to do it in that order, either," he added, wriggling again. Fucking tape! Why couldn't she use plain old rope, like his ex-girlfriend?



"That's it," she finally said. "I'm calling the police. Right now." But she didn't move, and he could smell that she didn't mean it. She was too confused and curious.



"Okay, Morgan. Fetch the fuzz."



"What did you call me?"



"Morgan. It's your other name."



"I think I would know if I had another name."



"Obviously, you don't."



"Oh, piss off!" she snapped, which almost made him laugh. "I've had about enough of this 'mysterious stranger trying to kill me and then being all cryptic' garbage. Spit it out."



"Okay. You're the reincarnation of Morgan Le Fay."



She threw up her hands. "Oh, please! That's the best you could do?"



He shrugged, as much as he could mummified in tape as he was. "It's the truth. You're a bad witch, back to wreck the world. Sorry."



"First of all, Morgan Le Fay wasn't necessarily bad. Second—"



"How do you know that?"



"I did some papers on her in college. Second—"



"Uh-huh. Of all the people in the world, living and dead, you picked her. I bet your minor in college had something to do with her."



"Lots of people minor in European history. And as for picking Le Fay for a research topic— me and about a zillion other people through the ages," she said, but again looked vaguely troubled, as if listening to something he couldn't hear. Which with his hearing was impossible, frankly. "Tell me, the place where you live . . . are there a lot of doctors there? And little cups of pills?"