Desolation

The minute he reaches the house, I lean over and vomit.

~*~*~*~

NOW - Pippa

I wake panting. My fingers instinctively go out and clutch the empty space beside me. No one is there. No one is ever there. Once, there was someone who was there. I’ve never told anyone about Rainer, because he’s a part of my life that I haven’t been willing to share. We developed a strong bond. He hated me to begin with, but after we endured the hell we did, something changed between us.

I push up, my hands trembling as I lift them and run them through my hair. I glance at my clock—it’s 9.30 a.m. I slept past my usual time, and each time I do that, I end up having nightmares. It’s as if my body knows I shouldn’t be sleeping, as if it’s been drilled into my head that I need to be up at a certain hour. I rub my arms a few times, and then climb out of bed.

I want to do something today—anything. I need to venture outside of these walls, outside of my comfort zone. My therapist, who I have moved on to only seeing once a fortnight, has encouraged me to join a group so I can make some friends. I want to . . . I just don’t know where to start. I have an idea, however, and decide to give it a go.

I reach for my phone and find the number Sofie gave me last night before I came home. Swallowing down the anxiety bubbling in my chest, I text her.

Pippa: Hi Sofie. I know it’s your day off, too. Did you want to do something? Pippa.

My face is clammy and my hands are shaking as I place the phone down and just stare at it. I do this until it pings with a response. My heart jumps into my throat and I can’t reach for my phone fast enough.

Sofie: Pippa! Hey! Sure, I’d love to do something. What did you have in mind?

I breathe a sigh of relief, and a big smile creeps across my face. Maybe this won’t be as hard as I’d first thought.

Pippa: I’m new around here. What do you think?

I’m not new around here, but I haven’t been out and about so have absolutely no idea what there is to do. Sofie has lived here all her life; she’s more likely to have a better idea.

Sofie: If you’re up for it, I’d love to go to the beach. There’s a great cafe right on the water we can have lunch at after we’re done?

My heart skips a beat. I’ve not been to the beach since I was a little child.

Pippa: Sounds great. Shall I meet you there?

Sofie: I can come by and grab you. What’s your address?

I give her my address and we plan a time. Then I have the task of finding something beach-appropriate to wear. I’ve never been in a bathing suit and I’ve never had a friend, so I am honestly at a loss. I open my closet and go through the clothes Santana and I got when I first returned home.

There’s a yellow summer dress that ties up behind the neck and flows down to about knee height. That seems beachy. I grab it out and then find a dark one-piece bathing suit that’s never been worn. It’s a little too revealing, but maybe I can just keep my dress on. Deciding on this, I get changed and then search for a hat. I find a big, floppy white one and frown. I’m going to look stupid.

My phone dings and I glance down at it. Tyke.

Tyke: Morning little one. How did you sleep? I had to put you to bed.

I smile. I woke in my bed, so I figured Tyke put me there last night when I fell asleep listening to his soulful voice.

Pippa: I’m good, I slept well. I’m going to the beach with Sofie today.

Tyke: Who is Sofie?

Pippa: A girl I work with. I’m nervous.

Tyke: Don’t be; you’ll be great.

Pippa: I’m calling. I need to keep moving.

I press his number and dial, and he answers on the first ring. His husky voice is exactly what I need to hear this morning.

“Hey, Pip.”

“Morning, Tyke.”

“So, the beach, eh?”

I laugh nervously. “Yeah. I haven’t been since I was little. I’m worried about what to wear.”

He chuckles. “Most people wear swimsuits.”

I flush. “I know, but, ah, I’ve never worn one.”

“Baby.” He chuckles. “You’ve never worn a swimsuit?”

My cheeks burn hotter. “Well, maybe when I was five.”

“You’ll do fine. Just find one you’re comfortable in.”

“That would be none. I have one, but I have put a dress over it. My hat is ugly.”

Another chuckle. “Nothing would look ugly on you.”

Right.

Of course he would say that.

I open my mouth to answer but I hear a voice in the background.

“Baby, I’ve been calling all morning.”

Andi.

My heart clenches as I hear her smack a kiss to Tyke. The sound travelling through my phone makes my soul burn with jealousy. I’ve thought many times about kissing Tyke, and she can do it whenever she wants.

“Who’s on the phone? Wrap it up. I need you right now,” she croons, in a sexy voice that only indicates one thing.

Oh. My. Gosh.

I hang up – I don’t think, I just do. My phone vibrates a minute later but I can’t bring myself to answer it. Instead I put it on silent and shove it in my purse. I need you. I need you. I need you. I know what she meant, I know they do that, but thinking about it burns my heart. It rips right into the very core of me.

I try to push it out of my mind as I pull on my floppy hat and find a pair of flip-flops. The honking of a horn alerts me to the fact that Sofie is here and I’m wasting time. I grab my purse and then rush out the door.